Newborn feeding nightmare

[ExcitingTimes2023]

So, my second baby is currently 12 days old. My first DC is now 2y3m. I breastfed my first but had weened her down to just feeding when upset/poorly just before baby arrived.

I had decided before DC2 was born I was going to bottle feed this one as I just couldn’t face another 2+ years of breastfeeding. DC1 refused all bottles and I didn’t wasn’t to risk that happening again.

Anyway. I felt a lot of pressure to breastfeed DC2 from HV and she really lasted on the benefits of breastfeeding on the antenatal visit. So me and my partner agreed to try combi feeding from
birth so DC2 can get some benefit like DC1 had.

Now baby his here, DC1 has gone boob crazy again. I can’t get her off me most days and tantrums hard if I try to distract her. When ever I try to feed baby she muscles her way onto the other boob and that causes baby to slip off and just fall asleep. So then we are giving DC2 more and more formula to make up the missed feeds, obviously effecting my supply as baby can’t cluster feed to build everything up. Iv been trying formula during the day and feeding from the breast at night but now I’m getting no sleep again. DC1 was a horrendous sleeper and I’m terrified of having to go through that again. but what if I give up breastfeeding and DC2 refuses to settle? What do I do when DC2 gets poorly and breastfeeding got us through many an illness with DC1? What if I over feed DC2 from the bottle as I’m just so clueless with it all? Apparently you can’t overfeed a BF baby but is easily done with formula?

breastfeeding has been such a big part of my life I didn’t think it would be so hard to give up. The mum guilt is horrendous. I just want what is best for both my babies. But Iv truly had enough of being touched and needed every spare second of my day. I’m sick of the ugly breast feeding bras, the leaking boobs, the frumpy nursing friendly clothes… I guess I’m just looking for someone to say DC2 will be fine without and it’s ok to stop. Every time I tell myself I’m done, my brain just seams to taunt me with all the benefits DC2 could potentially miss out on that DC1 had had… and I know once I stop there is no going back!

Also any tips to get my toddler off me would be greatly appreciated…

Tell the HV to piss off. Ignore her judginess and tell her that this is impacting your mental health. Re DC1 I imagine that when you are no longer doing it for DC2 they will also start to get over the need. I think it's probably increasing the envy of DC2 and that's not going to help anyone.

Regarding your comment on bf getting you through illnesses. DC’s only ever had formula - they didn’t get ill. Healthy babies and happy parents.

Resentment and depression are much worse for baby than a bottle. You get through illness in the same way giving comfort and the benefit is your partner can take turns. If you've had enough you don't need permission..... many HVs haven't had babies they've just read the theory and passed the exam

First baby so not exactly the same but I had all the same guilt. I found BF a horrendous experience I spent the first 4 weeks of my babies life crying on the sofa from the pain, guilt and pressure of BF. HV was also awful to me about stopping BFing. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.
It’s amazing you’ve BF your first for so long but your baby will be absolutely fine on formula. As soon as I switched to formula a weight was instantly lifted, he was just as happy and I was a better mum to him as I was happier. He’s definitely not over fed, he bats the bottle away as soon as he’s had enough and is a totally average weight.

@Wineisgreat yes. I massively regret breastfeeding infront of DC1. I had worked to hard to gently ween her. I explained to her that we have to share boobies and that DC2 needs the milk which she understands… but now instead of just saying I want boobies she says I want to do sharing boobies. I love her and my new one with all my heart but it’s just too much. I don’t know how mums tandem feed without feeling completely out of control and touched out. And I’m no newbie to breastfeeding. Iv been doing it over 2 years successfully. I’m really struggling with the routine and timings of bottles too.

@Parker231 thanks for the reply. When I went back to work and DC1 started nursery she was poorly so much. I would just spend all day with her latched on and she would doze. It just feels like such a powerful tool to loose, even if it feels for the best. Im so worried about my toddler bringing illnesses home and losing the protection of breast milk.

@jannier thanks for replying. I know I don’t need permission but I sort of wish someone would say enough is enough just stop. I had PND with DC1 and I have always said breastfeeding, and lack of education and support around breastfeeding norms contributed to it heavily. I just don’t want to end up in a mess like I did with my first. I just want what is best for my two babies

@Longesthello yes he seams to be doing well with the bottles but my supply is already tanking as he isn’t getting the chance to cluster feed so maybe the decision is going to be made for me. He had already gained 300g since birth. I don’t know. I worried DC1 wasn’t getting enough and now worried DC2 is getting too much. You just can’t win at this parenting game

xxx