Parenting through grief

[Eggling]

Hi

I'm really hoping someone has some tips or knowledge. I have a DD who is 2.5. She was born through ivf.

Since she turned 1, we have been trying for a sibling. We have had 3 embryos not make it, two further cycles of ivf, and I am now in the middle of my second miscarriage this year. This one has been really traumatic for a number of reasons and I'm struggling to cope. We have also had a close family bereavement this year, and DH has been diagnosed with a heart condition that may or may not have passed to DD - we had tests months ago but not heard anything from the hospital. I work full time but in 4 days and am starting a new role on promotion in just over a week.

Along with everything happening, what I am really struggling with is the impact this is having on DD (or, I suppose, on my parenting). She obviously doesn't know what's happened, but she does know that mummy is a bit sad. Sometimes I just break down, I try not to but I can't help it. She is (nursery have assured me) a happy, settled, thriving little girl. I just know that I am not as present as I should be a lot of the time, and I haven't been able to fully be the mother I want to be to her because all of this is taking so much.

What can I do to make sure this doesn't impact her too much? I am so afraid that I'm somehow going to ruin her life too.

Hopeful bump - anyone? I can't find advice anywhere on how to protect DD in all of this and I'm really struggling.

I'm so sorry that you are having such a difficult time at the moment, any one of the things you mention is a lot to handle- let alone all at once. I don't have experience of the losses you describe, but I do have experience of parenting after bereavement (loss of my mum prior to having my DC). All I can say is there is no right way and it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job- as attested to by nursery. Your daughter won't necessarily have clear memories of this time, and as she gets older she will gain context as to why mum was a bit sad sometimes during this phase of her childhood. I personally believe that you won't harm her childhood, as she is actually witnessing your entirely normal, human emotions. She is learning love through your experience of loss (what is loss, but love without anywhere to go). She will be learning how to manage difficult things and difficult times whilst also being present and loving those around her, as that is exactly what you are doing, every day.

In a practical sense I think the usual try and out source what you can (e.g., easy cook meals, cleaning) so the time where you have the capacity to be jolly and happy with her, you are able to do so. Are work aware of what is going on? I wonder if you might benefit from a little compassionate or sick leave, just to process and to spend some time looking after your and your family. I'm sorry OP, it's hard but as an outsider it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job.

Thank you for being so kind @whyyy321, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum. Work have been good, I'm back in today and everyone has been lovely. I think maybe I should think about outsourcing some of the practical things like you say so that there's one less thing there. I wish there was a manual or something for how to make sure your kid turns out ok but I guess that's just being a parent!

@Eggling 💐life is rough sometimes. Grief is part of life sadly. What you can model to your little girl is that we can be sad sometimes but then we get through it, hug, listen to a favourite (happy) song, eat a favourite food, get some fresh air, show her ways to cope. If she watches CBeebies because you are too exhausted for anything else it really really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of life.

I’m sure your DD is treasured, loved and cared for & that is the best start in life anyone can have.

Be kind to yourself.

I had a late-term miscarriage with my second much wanted pregnancy and it broke me. I wasn't myself around my son at all, I felt really disconnected and sad and I definitely cried in-front of him more than I'd of liked. Eventually I told myself to pull myself together and not miss out on the child I do have because I'm focusing on how badly I wanted another. If I never did get another baby I'd regret not being present for 6 months of his early years. You blink and they are gone - he's now nearly five 😭

I was tough on myself but I mean it gently to you, it's horrible and consuming and that was without me going through IVF etc, my eldest was a clomid baby but absolutely nothing compared to your journey. Just try and focus on what you have got first and foremost. It seems hard but actually, that's where the joy is.

I think so! I talk to DH about this a lot, as I have days where I just feel I can't face trying to pretend like she's not left this big hole in my life, and need to have some time to myself to reflect or just watch a sad film and have a good cry. On those days, he really steps up and parents for both of us. I do appreciate though that the losses you describe are shared, so this might not feel possible for your DH at the moment. I hope smoother sailing is ahead for you x

Thank you @Kangaboo I do try and explain that mummy is sad but it's not her fault and I love her. I also try to tell her a lot how proud I am of her and how happy I am to be her mummy.

@easyellis I'm so sorry for your loss. Yes, I think that's where I am too - I feel like I've already missed so much of her little life (even though I've not missed it, I've been there IYSWIM). It's thing like when I look back at photos from the past year and a half, every single one I can pin point where we were up to in terms of ivf or loss or miscarriage. We had a lovely holiday away just before this loss started and now those memories are tinged with sadness. I don't want to look back on this time and feel like I didn't enjoy her being little, but I don't really know how to set the sadness aside a bit to do that. Is there anything you found helpful to help you focus on the moment a bit more?

@Eggling I so recognise the 'even the good memories are coloured with sadness'. What helps me is to do some very basic mindfulness exercises like 'breathe in for 4, hold for 2, out for 6' or focussing on where I am right now, what does my chair feel like, what can I hear etc. These don't take the sadness away but they do stop it barreling in and taking over. For me, that's enough for now.

I haven’t had this experience but have patented through other difficulties. One thing I found helpful was to set manageable goals. For example organising one fun activity or outing at the weekend - really getting in to it. Then giving myself the grace to be not so fully present the rest of the time. Or when I was a SAHM for a bit, having one fun set up a day - maybe a messy tuff tray - and again, being present for it, but letting myself off the hook for the amount of CBeebies either side of it. Perhaps something like that would help - you need time that you can grieve and look after yourself without guilt in order to have time when you’re fully present too.

You poor thing. We lost our four year old when his brother was only 18 months. It was tough, but here is what I did, in case it helps. I got up every day, showered, dressed, put on a full face of makeup. Then if I was close to tears during the day, I would manage to stop as I didn't have time to fix the face. This helped me not to cry in front of the little one. After he went to bed, then my husband and I would have a good old cry together.
We found it hard to eat, so we bought party food, tiny nibbles of this and that, and just grazed a bit.
Nothing helps with grief, not even good old time. But the passing of time makes you more accustomed to it, and eventually you will notice you feel a little more normal.
Take joy in your child.
I wish you every good thing for the future

@MontyDonsBlueScarf thank you, yes I should probably make more effort to practice mindfulness. It definitely doesn't come naturally to me and I'm not a very 'in the moment' person anyway but maybe with practice it will come.

@TryAgainWithFeeling thank you, I like the idea of one fun thing a day. I have just ordered a book that my cousin recommended with quick to set up activities for little kids so maybe I can put some of them into practice.

@hellosolly I am so, so sorry for the loss of your son. Thank you for your advice, I have fallen into a bit of a trap of just being in scruffs or pjs (currently wfh) but will be in the office a bit more in my new role which might help things on that front. Will get in some easy bits of food too.

2 years ago I lost my baby daughter, and then my Dad 6 weeks later. Both unexpected. I had a 4yr old son at the time.

I can't remember much if I'm honest. My Son spent a lot of time with grandparents and my husband. My son has now had play therapy and I was told that all he remembers is that "mummy cried a lot and I didn't see her".

I've had a lot of therapy and support,

You have a lot going on, please be kind to yourself. Between when DS was 1 and 3 we went through three pregnancy losses, all fairly late and one after 20 weeks. We then had to have genetic testing done after what happened with our baby boy born after 20 weeks so I can understand the pressure you’re under and how you feel it’s affecting your parenting.

Are you in a position to access counselling? I became incredibly anxious and those anxieties centred around my son and i suddenly became terrified of him around water. I so didn’t want to him to pick up on it and I can only tell you that what helped me was taking action so that I felt in control. I booked DS into swimming lessons, paid for private counselling and worked really hard on getting myself out of that hole. I know it’s not easy but if you can I’d recommend speaking to a professional and give yourself time. Take care

@DeathbyJedi im so sorry you lost your daughter and your dad. I can't imagine how hard that was. You must have done a brilliant job for your son to be doing so well now, I'm glad you've had support.

@Hopingforbetterluck thank you, I'm so sorry to hear about your losses. I really relate to what you're saying about anxieties. I do actually have a counsellor who I saw for a bit earlier this year and spoke to her again last night and we talked about this a bit. I have a lot of anxiety around DD's health, particularly since DH's diagnosis. Specifically I have a big focus on when she's asleep I worry about her breathing, and since she was born I've been getting up multiple times most nights even when she's asleep to check on her. This has eased off a bit and I thought was subsiding over the past few months. When I was pregnant the anxiety came back full throttle but related to the pregnancy, I was getting up at least every hour to check for blood even before there were signs something was wrong, and then as soon as we found out about the miscarriage it was like all that switched back to DD and I was obsessed with her breathing again. Im speaking to the counsellor again next week so will keep going with that.

Sorry for your losses @Eggling life can be so tough and confusing.
It sounds to be as though you're doing great and your daughter is thriving.
I lost my mum in 2020 when I was 35 weeks pregnant with my first baby, they never met.
I am heartbroken and always will be. I just do the best I physically and mentally can but if I'm being honest I've felt so flat ever since I lost her x

I don’t have any good advice OP, but I find myself feeling similar even if not with exactly the same circumstances. For me, DD is 3 and I’ve had two pregnancy losses this year, one of which was physically very protracted and scary. I also have concerns about an aspect of her health, and we’ve been referred to the hospital. I feel sad and anxious a lot, and worry that I’m wishing her life away (and mine) by pursuing TTC again. So I’m just here for the good advice, really, and to let you know you’re not alone. In fact, you sound like a lovely, thoughtful, gentle, caring Mum. Perhaps you could use a bit of gentleness and care yourself 💐

Thank you @mrssunshinexxx I'm so sorry for the loss of your lovely mum

I'm sorry you're in the same boat @Oxalis00. I totally relate to you about wishing her life away, I think that's got the nail in the head. Thank you for your kind words.