If you have kids and your partner works away

[jolene8]

I have one DS who has recently turned 2. DP and I have been together for 9 years, during this time he has worked away 80% of it. He goes away early Monday mornings and is back home for around 3pm on Fridays. This is just the nature of his job. He had 3 weeks at home when DS was born then back to being away Monday - Friday. I did really find this a struggle at the beginning mainly the lack of sleep but DS has slept through the night since he was 6 weeks old so it got much easier as time went on and I find being the only parent around most days pretty easy now. I work 4 days a week and DS goes to nursery 2 days then my parents have him the other 2 days. Despite him working away for 4.5 days they have an amazing bond and is actually the preferred parent, he takes over when he gets home meaning I get to take a back seat and I never feel burnt out.

I have always wanted 2 children and thought an age gap of around 3 years would be ideal, my brother and I were just under 5 years apart and were always at such difference stages, had nothing in common and fought like cat and dog and even now as adults we do not have a relationship. I know that this could absolutely be the case with DS and a sibling but I like the idea of a smaller age gap. Now that time is approaching when we would need to start TTC and I really scared that this would just turn our lives upside down. I worry so much about not being able to give my DS the attention he deserves and him feeling pushed out since there will only be me around most of the week, and I highly doubt we'd be lucky enough to be blessed with another amazing sleeper so worry about how I'd manage to be a decent parent to DS while being very sleep deprived. The guilt is heavily playing on my mind, I am so happy and content with just DS and don't want him ever to feel pushed out but at the same time I would like for him to have a sibling. DP is happy either way.

I am hoping to hear from other parents whose DP/DH works away from home similar to this and how do you find it? Do you regret it? Any advice? Deciding to TTC the first time for DS was a really easy decision but this time I can't decide whether this would be a huge mistake or whether we should just go for it. Sorry for the length of this post and thank you id you made if this far!

We never really got to find out as he was made redundant during the second pregnancy and got a job without travelling. It is hard to advise though as I just knew I wanted a second so was determined to make it work. Sounds like you have his family support around you and DS will be with them or nursery for some of the maternity leave I guess so that shouldn't be too much of a disruption for him and you can be at home to concentrate on the baby. I think two small kids can be really tricky whatever the situation due to lack of sleep/different needs and I guess you never know how they will get on but mine are the best of friends which is lovely to see. Bedtimes on my own when the baby was little were trickiest for me but maybe you could get some family help occasionally to read to eldest while you settle youngest. I think close in age is great for them playing together but other people in a thread I read yesterday said it was easier with a bigger gap as elder child was more independent so maybe consider that as well

I think this thread isn't so much particular to having one partner who works away - it's the same sort of questions most people considering whether to have a second child would be asking themselves. Yes you'd have a more intense situation in no help in the evenings/overnights, but most mums on maternity leave with their second are home by themselves during the working week or when the partner is out at shift work etc. You would at least have the nursery and family help if that continued, while some people have the toddler and the newborn constantly at home together!

Having a newborn and a toddler/preschooler is tough, and extra tough if you're by yourself. You can't always meet their needs at the same time as their needs are conflicting. You can't chase a 3yo around the park or get down on the floor playing Paw Patrol with them if you're feeding or changing the baby. What if the baby is a "velco baby" who hates the sling and only contact naps. Since I'm of a pessimistic bent I always feel obliged to mention what if the baby has major additional needs; you can't guarantee giving your first child a healthy 'regular' sibling, it's a roll of the dice. Equally a large number of people even setting out to be single mothers from the start choose to have second and even third and fourth children. Your biology is a strong drive! And you don't have a newborn for long. Blink and suddenly you have a 3 year old and a 6 year old, or a 9 and 12 year old.

However the 3yo has been the centre of your world for their entire life and while they may be fascinated by the new baby, they are unlikely to be keen on you devoting a lot of time and attention to them instead of doing what they want. Until the baby is up and crawling around, they aren't going to be super interesting to the toddler and they won't realistically play together in even basic ways until the baby is at least 12-18 months. So yes there is likely to be an element of "mummy can the baby go back in your tummy now" and frustration.