Who can help me with my brat, please?

[Monkeybird]

He's 9. He's being a PITA. Rude. Arrogant. Even violent sometimes - kicked me this morning, frequently kicks things over, throws stuff.

Told his dad (after some v minor disagreement): 'yeah well that's because you're a stupid man'.

I posted coupla weeks back about lists of instructions, rewards etc for someone else's 9 year old but TBH we're well beyond that now and into YEAR long bans of this that and the other.

Who has had many, many 9 year olds (going on 14) who can help?

He's always been an awkward, stropster actually but we're almost at our limit and frequently losing it.

The 3 year old - who has a completely different, laid-back and cheerful personality - is picking up all of his older brother's bad habits; and the poor 6mo is growing up in a farkin war zone.

Please help me before one of us has to see a therapist.

PS we don't smack, we try to use behavioural rewards/punishments and I think we're quite strict about lots of things since we've grown used to him needing lots of boundaries. Am often gripped with doubt: are we too strict? not actually strict enough and it is inconsistency that is the problem. Or are all 9 yr olds just bastards?

OK I know I called him a brat but I'm usually tongue in cheek and would never do it to his face but please, we are losing the plot and are actually quite fed up about his behaviour.

Are beginning to feel like failures as parents and that is not healthy TBH. And really don't want to go on like this - surely it will only get worse when he's a teenager.

What questions do I need to ask myself to know what I'm doing wrong?

you're not failures. As you say, consistancy is key - are you inconsistant, if so, that's number 1 to change.

Kids can be sods. I think sometimes you just have to set the boundaries and be firm and not actually get drawn into arguments about it. I know you are joking about a therapist, but perhaps outside help is not such a bad idea. Family therapy? Or something? Or talk to the school? What you need are ideas and support.

Pick your battles and just ignore the rest (to a point) he's getting attention and any attention even mum shouting is a reward. Maybe just go back to basics and start a reward chart, and a calm down space/naughty step. Lots of praise for all the good stuff to - even if its just putting a cup in the dishwasher etc.

Also see if you can do special 1on1 time with him just him and don't use it as a time to vent about why can't you always be ...., why don't you ....

There's a pattern here... I've read a few threads in the last couple of days about narky kids getting into all sorts of trouble - and guess what? They're all 9 years old! Is 9 like the new 13?!
Mine are still little, but I think the principle's the same - only fight the biggies and let him win some of them (the ones that don't matter so much). If you don't go off on one about as many things then when you do lose it, he'll take notice (in theory).
Dynamicnanny's idea about quality one on one time is a good one...

Hi Monkey, i have the same probem my DD1 is 9 going on 13. Our lives are just one big battle (My Daughter and I) we cant agree on anything, I was a real handful but at 13+ not 9. The minute she wakes up she argues to the minute she goes to bed. I was talking to someone the other day (infact im doin a course aimed at having a happier house hold and happier children haha) that maybe because she is that bit older I expect more (maybe too much) from her...do you think you do? im not sure

I think I probably do expect too much - he doesn't get as much time to just be a daft kid these days what with two smaller ones etc.. But even so, which ARE the battles to pick? I think the rudeness is really awful and I like to think he needs a bit of respect for other people (politeness is very important to me... except of course for me on MN ) and the hitting/throwing is my absolute limit.

I'd like to spend more time with him but he doesn't seem to want to spend it with me (any ideas?) Am still BF (not him, arf...) so quite difficult to get away from house on our own...

What about 'How to talk so kids will listen' and there's one for teens too - i was worried about how i was parenting my 3 because i felt like i was constantly threatening/withdrawing stuff and because i didn't want them scared of getting into trouble - that was my 3yr old dd not telling me she'd made a mess because she was scared i'd be cross. It has made me be so much kinder to my kids and appreciate them so much more as they respond to me listening to them and respecting them.It's not perfect in my house, but it's a lot quieter and happier.

What is he into - can you join him in it?
Does he have any space - just remembering my elder brother's den in the shed when he was 9yrs.