Is my step dad right!?

[Jugglingitall85]

Step dad pulled me aside this evening to tell me he’s worried about me and that he doesn’t know how I am doing it all atm and that my DP isn’t stepping up to being a dad in the way he needs to. To which I broke down crying because I am reaching my limit. But I’m just unsure whether this is normal or my DP isn’t actually pulling his weight. I’m also questioning whether my parents are being over protective or not.

My DP and I have been together for nearly 3 years and we have a 13 month old. We had a lovely relationship but recently I have started feeling as though things have been off and the plates I am spinning are just stacking up and up. I cry several times a week as I feel so stressed out. I work 3 days a week at a demanding job and DP works 5.

My DP loves our son tremendously, but I often feel as though he puts himself first and the responsibility of being a parent gets him down. Some examples:

• DS recently had some health issues. For the first hosp visit, DP had been to a gig the night before and complained the whole time how tired he was. Meanwhile DS is very poorly and was kept in. I stayed the whole night with him, DP went home to sleep. Came back in the morning still complaining and fell asleep on the sofa in the ward room. I hadn’t slept a wink. :/
• Ive since gone to 80% of the hosp visits with my mum as DP doesn’t want to take the whole day/half day off work. I have to take off work though.
• I make all of DS’s packed lunches and pack the bag when he goes to my mums while we’re at work.
• I do majority of pick up and drop off bar a couple.
• I make all of DS’s dinners and do most of the feeding him.
• I buy all of DS clothes and make sure he has what he needs.
• I arranged nursery including visits and deciding which one. DP wasn’t interested.
• If I want to do something as a family like a day out, DP can often complain that he can’t really be bothered or let me go with friends.
• DP is constantly complaining that he is tired or unwell. This rattles me.
• DP is not well atm so I have done every night waking for two weeks.
• DP has just been away for the weekend and is about to go away for another weekend in a few weeks with friends. We haven’t been out for a meal together in months. I have time with my friends but having time together just feels at the bottom of the list.
• Whenever my DP goes anywhere with DS alone or even with me there, it always feels like a big ordeal or it’s been hard work and there’s a lot of huffing and puffing.
• I ask DP to help around the house, he will cook and clean the dishes and do some washing but won’t stretch to cleaning. That’s my job. He won’t even think about doing any DIY, the garden is a heap.
• Whenever I want to talk about the future or buying a bigger house he doesn’t want to talk in depth and shuts it down.

This all said he is a lovely person, which is why I’m struggling with it so much. Half of me thinks I’m being unreasonable but the other thinks it’s not enough.

x

Sorry I'm struggling to see where they are a lovely person? How is this shown to you as it's not via being a good partner or dad by how I've read.

Yes, when you say he’s a lovely person, do you mean you feel like he’s not so bad a person you feel justified in divorcing him? Because as someone who has been divorced several times (!) - you really don’t need a good enough reason. What you are describing sounds unfair and miserable. Being a single parent is incredibly hard but it’s still better than the resentment of living with someone who isn’t an equal partner.

if anyone comes along on this thread and tells you to communicate with your husband etc, and you don’t feel like you’ve given that a good go it, try it. But only try it once. If a couple work on a relationship, it can’t just be one person doing the heavy lifting.

Yes, your step dad is right. Your dp is living out some half in Disney fantasy of being parent, leaving you to do everything else.

Your dp does not sound lovely at all

Your step dad is right and your partner is not at all lovely. But your stepdad should be talking to HIM about it.

Yes, your step-dad is right. Your partner isn't pulling his weight and sounds like a whining immature child.

He doesn't sound like a lovely person, he sounds like a lazy man child who wants to be single. You need a big talk and give him some home truths.
Two weekends away ? Time for you to have a break.

Your step dad is right and is trying to protect you.
Your partner is a useless man child.

He may be a nice person, but he is as useful as a chocolate teapot.
He isn't helping round the house, he doesn't do his share of childcare and he doesn't step up when there is an issue.

My own DH isn't always a nice person, but he is the first person to step up in a crisis, and sometimes I feel bad as he does so much with our DC and he works 5 days, whereas I work 3.

Thanks all.

@MusicAndPassionWereAlwaysTheFashion Can I ask what your DP does with the kids? For reference.

I also forgot to add that I had a very traumatic birth. Eclampsia with seizures, collapsed alone in the house, mum found me and blue lighted to hosp and BP remained dangerously high for over a week. DS was luckily ok. I had PTSD after this and have had some therapy. DP has never wanted to talk about it with me, preferring to not say anything and has since implied that I have been dramatic. This has made me feel very emotionally alone.

You need a partner or another child who needs you have to accommodate.
I have done 95% of the night wake ups with my daughter but I get a lie on the vast majority of the Saturdays and Sundays. I'm a night owl and my partner is a lark so this allows us to support the other person within our skill sets

When I was on maternity I had severe depression and my daughter had severe reflux and allergies. My partner did all of the meals. He did all of the cleaning. I did the online food shop but he assisted and put it all away when it arrived. We did cloth nappies and shared the washing. All I did was feed and cuddle the baby pretty much everything else was him. He had a 40mile commute and due to covid could only work 7am to 12 to get there on time he was up at 5am every day. He never complained or moaned even though he was trying to hold up 3 people without support

Your DH is NOT a lovely person he's a narcissist ( a selfish prick) I'm glad your M and SD have your back You need to read your manchild the riot act

He sounds like a bit of a lazy arse tbh and it sounds like your step Dad is in your corner and can see this. Also doesn’t sound lovely.

I’m pregnant so no baby yet, my DP has treated me like an absolute queen the whole way through and I know it will continue PP as I will be birthing his baby. He talked to me the other day about feeding shifts and how he’s happy to have full responsibility of baby once a week so I can have a day to myself (I will be a SAHM and he works.) It’s not about being equal 50/50 (although your hubby isn’t anyway) It’s about working as 100% together. But it seems your hubby is allowing you to always be at 80-100% whilst he just floats by.

I can’t believe he won’t discuss your birth trauma :( I’m so sorry. Could you get some EMDR to help process that experience? I hope LO is feeling better soon too x

Your step dad sounds wonderful. I'm sure it took a lot for him to bring this up to you.

I am sorry you had such an awful and dangerous experience OP and I am so glad your DS was ok. I had pre-eclampsia and that was traumatic enough.

I can kind of understand why your DP might find it hard to talk about it, however to imply you are 'dramatic' - ie that the trauma caused to you needs shutting down - is beyond this and I actually found it personally upsetting to read.

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