Help I'm really struggling with my partner taking no accountability

[Totes90]

Looking for some advice.

Me & my OH have been together for 6 years, since I met him he's never been capable of sorting out even the most minor of things from parking tickets, to car tax, to faulty things around the house, pretty much anything and I've always sorted this for him.

Now we have an 8 month old who takes most of my time and I'm due to go back to work soon. I simply don't have the time to sort out everything else under the sun. I've brought it up to him and all I get is that he doesn't have time when he's working and then when he finishes he just wants to get home to and me and the baby, that he can't sort these things on his lunch because he doesn't really have one. It makes me feel bad but I simply won't be able to go back to work full time, look after the baby, drop her at nursery, all the house work and everything else on top. I know he works hard but so do I and I don't feel this is an equal load.

Just to put things into prospective here's a few things he's not sorted;

we've had a leaking boiler for at least 12 months, his friend kept promising to come and never has and when I mention it he just says 'I don't know a plumber'.

the washer dryer hasn't been drying properly for around 6 months, he just keeps saying let's get a dryer and put it in the shed rather than arranging for this to be looked at.

his friend had things in storage for us in Canada (small things that can be posted), I now want the stuff back and he said his friend keeps asking to leave it with him and he will get the stuff sent back over. This has been going on for 12 months.

he's self employed and he still hasn't sorted his tax out properly from the previous year.

I've applied for a child care tax free account as we are both working parents and he needs to call to verify a few of his details and I can't do this for him and he keeps saying he doesn't have the time to call.

his van has sat on the drive uninsured for weeks because he doesn't have time to sort it.

he wanted to do an NVQ level 2 for business purposes and I've signed him up to complete this, paid for him to complete the qualification and he still hasn't even started it.

I don't know if I'm expecting too much of him or wether I should be trying to support him more. I don't know how to handle the situation anymore as I bring these things up to him and he just says I'm a horrible person and he can't do more than he's currently doing.

He’s useless, but if he always has been I’m not sure he’s going to change. What inspired you to have a baby with him?

since I met him he's never been capable of sorting out even the most minor of things

Did you think having a baby would result in him having a personality transplant?

You made a baby with a big man-baby and now you're suffering the consequences.

He isn't going to change so your options are stay and put up with it, leave and go it alone or get him to pay someone to do all of this.

“Me & my OH have been together for 6 years, since I met him he's never been capable of sorting out even the most minor of things from parking tickets, to car tax, to faulty things around the house, pretty much anything and I've always sorted this for him.”

yet you considered him life partner and father material?

you can’t give these useless men so much of yourself and expect them to have a personality transplant. It’s lunacy.

you’re struggling- because parenting and being with someone like this is a struggle and hard work.

your options are a) leave or b) put up with the bloke who he never shied away from being

In the past it wasn't a burden, i manage my time quite well but now we have an 8 month old my priorities have changed, I thought we could both adapt but I guess that was a misjudgement.

He isn’t going to change. Do stuff for your self and your baby, let his van go uninsured, tax go unpaid if he can’t be bothered sorting it - all of those are entirely his problem to deal with. Don’t worry yourself about them.

You aren’t his support human - it’s bad enough he won’t share the load, there is no reason for him to criticise you because he wants you to do all of his work admin for him as well.

I would also make plans to leave him, because this doesn’t sound sustainable in the long term.

In the past it wasn't a burden, i manage my time quite well but now we have an 8 month old my priorities have changed, I thought we could both adapt but I guess that was a misjudgement.

Yes. Adults don't usually change. He is used to you doing all that stuff for him and he likes it that way. What's in it for him to adapt?

It’s great that you’re not married so you’re not so tied to him financially. This will be a miserable, grinding existence. Clearly he’s not willing to do anything for himself or his family so get rid of him. It’ll be easier to do it by yourself, seriously.

Edit: typo

You can’t expect him to be any different than he was before.
People don’t change when they’ve got a system that works for them and til now working for him meant leave it long enough and the wee woman will sort it. From housework to taxing his van. Did you really think that you applying for a course on his behalf would mean he would sit dow and do it.

You have 2 choices going forward.

start planning to leave and let him pick up his parenting in his 50/50 time

or

start being prepared to have it out with him repeatedly until he pulls his act together or finds someone who will give him an easier ride

Sorry, I’m not trying to be mean. I also misjudged the father of my child catastrophically and barely made it out alive.

Thing is this is the single most posted about topic on this forum what can I do to get my partner to pull his weight/do more housework/spend more time with the kids and I’ve never seen anyone come back and ‘we had a calm conversation and he accepts it’s not fair for me to be the domestic drudge so he’s put a rota in place’

we as women change, when we become mothers our priorities take a massive shift. We become less selfish, our career takes a back step and our frendships suffer. We have less time as we prioritise our children, I just thought he would do the same and make some changes. Thanks for the advice though, I think it's pretty clear. Put up and shut up or do something about it. Shame really because all in all he is a good dad, he makes sure she has everything she needs and it's clear he absolutely adores her.

Whatever you do, don't marry him.

I think now is the time to decide what kind of life you want for yourself.
You could stay living together and accept you have responsibility for everything that impacts you and your baby (let his van rot and the tax man chase him). Things like the childcare account, you need to sit him down like a 5 year old, make the phonecall and pass the phone to him. But if he's self-employed and not doing his tax returns properly he probably won't be able to prove his income.

Or, if you can't live like this, cut your losses now.

Of course he has time. He needs a set time in the week that is admin time. Could be Tuesday evening, could be Sunday afternoon, doesn’t matter but every week that is when he goes through his to do list.

Oh and he needs a to do list.

This is why women end up leaving

He sounds infuriatingly useless.
Is there a reason why he can't do some of his life admin at the weekend?

since I met him he's never been capable of sorting out even the most minor of things from parking tickets, to car tax, to faulty things around the house, pretty much anything and I've always sorted this for him.

What did he do before you met him? This is the first mistake you made and now you've enabled him for 6 years. Of course he's capable, it's just easier if someone else does it all for him.

Absolutely do not make a list for him, the enabling needs to stop. He needs to do things himself, time for him to grow up.

My DH is a bit like this - not as bad - for one thing he has had the sense to be PAYE all his working life!

With undone admin, I ask myself: will this inconvenience me personally if it's not done? If no, I don't get involved. So I'd put his passport away in a drawer so it doesn't get lost and cause us holiday stress, but I wouldn't e.g. get involved with taxing his car.

He's willing to do food shopping, cooking, childcare, driving, pick ups and drops offs, homework supervision, occasionally booking holidays and babysitters if I nag a bit, so he does most of that. He also pays more than me into the bills account. Which I see as his fee for having me sort out everything and plan everything (he does nothing long term about finances at all - I will be the one organising our retirements and our DC's future needs).

Regarding the boiler, washing machine, etc - is there some reason you've classified those as male jobs when he's obviously not going to do them? You need to find a plumber and a repair service or get onto AO (they'll take the old machine away). I think give up on the stuff stored abroad unless you can contact the friend personally (he may be equally flakey of course).

I do all of that stuff. DH just literally doesn't much care about the state or comfort of the house. This was masked when I moved in with him by the fact he'd bought a new build property. And tbh I was a bit naive.

I'm not familiar with tax free childcare (we had the vouchers and they were bad enough!) but I suspect it's a non starter with someone like this. I would strongly suggest not mingling your finances with his any more than you have to. Don't get married and don't have any more kids. This relationship will not last so do what you have to to secure your own future.

Sorry. I know it's disappointing.

He's not necessarily capable.

When I look back 25 years the signs were there that my DH wasn't adulting very well. It was masked by things like having a very structured job and simple hobbies, only being responsible for himself, his mum supporting him a bit behind the scenes etc, helpful friends and colleagues.

If you are a capable person yourself it can come as a surprise the chaos some people exist in.

so many sweeping generalisations … I did not step back from my career after having a baby (nor did any of my friends) and we probably saw more of each other due to hanging around playgrounds, doing activities with kids at weekends etc … but I feel sorry for your situation, sounds like so much work

I think the extent and degree to which women's lives change after they have children depends on how useless or not their partner is.

I had one like this. Still do to some extent but there are a few things I did that have forced DH to step up and do his share.

I stopped doing his laundry. I do mine and the kids and occasionally some of his if he's really busy at work but I realised I was enabling him in this department. He needed to know what it felt like to run out of clean clothes rather then opening a drawer and were all there for him. Why would he do laundry if this was so easy for him? He still runs out but then will do 3-4 loads at once. It's his method, works for him and I'm not resentful.

I'm naturally organised and good with money. DH is the opposite. I used to do DH's book keeping but absolutely hated it. So one year I said 'lets do ours together' and I showed him what to do. This was a huge learning curve for him but he was capable. He realised how boring it was and how much work was involved so I think he realised why I hated it. He now does his own each year. It will always be at the very last minute but he does it even if it's submitting hours before the deadline. This is his problem, not mine and I have to let it good. If he gets a late fine, again that's his problem.

We had a joke between us that I had resigned as his PA. The joke helped lighten the mood around it but It was true. Anything I think as 'PA' worthy I leave to him.

Get a cleaner if you can. My DH doesn't do house work. This will never change and me getting resentful won't help anything. It's money well spent in my opinion.

I stepped away from sorting presents for his god children, Mum, Dad, Brothers. This is his relationship with them, not mine. Again I was enabling. If they don't get cards or presents then that is not my problem and they won't judge me, they'll judge him. That's if anyone is judging anyone!

All bills etc are on direct debit so those are just dealt with after I have set them up and they come out of a joint account.

I let his side of the bedroom get messy and piled high with clothes. He does put it away eventually.

There are probably other examples like this but I can't think right now. The point is you have to let them fail. If they don't they won't learn. Yes, they are a bit like children.

Don't swoop in and fix/sort everything, let the natural consequences happen so he can learn.

You'll be able to think of your own examples, start with one or two and no going back. It will certainly help lessen the resentment. You will have to learn to let go.

I'm 5 years down the line from quitting as his PA and I can honestly say there is far less resentment now. I still do the lions share but I prefer my life tidy and organised and it's calming for me so it's my choice.

OP, another way to look at this, and you should think about these questions individually:
How does the fact that he's happy to let you take on all this additional workload make you feel?
Why does he think it's okay to give you loads of additional work to do?
How do you feel about the fact that you've expressed to him that this situation is bringing you a lot of stress, and instead of him being horrified that he's causing you trouble, he just tells you that you are horrible - do you think that's a caring way to speak to your partner?
If the situation was reversed and your partner brought this issue to you and expressed it was causing them stress, how would you react, what would you do?
How can he be a 'good dad' if he doesn't put the effort into managing his life or his child's life. You can love your child, and enjoy spending time with them, and go out and earn a wage - but that doesn't make you a 'good dad'. Why do you think he's a 'good dad' of you consider those points?
If your best friend ended up with someone like this, what would you say to them?
If your child ended up with someone like this, how would you feel?

Excellent post above about just leaving it and letting him find the consequences.
There's a brilliant thread on Twitter about this and leaving it until someone noticed !
https://twitter.com/MissPotkin/status/1372311382406889474?s=19

He has to want to do stuff, sort out stuff that's important to you and leave everything else. So if washer dryer is important then sort it, but if doing his laundry isn't then don't do that. Find the distribution of workload that you can cope with and leave the rest and try to just ignore it! And get a cleaner .. I'd literally give up everything (treats, clothes, booze) before giving up my cleaner.

all in all he is a good dad, he makes sure she has everything she needs and it's clear he absolutely adores her

And yet, I would be willing to bet a fair chunk of my life savings that if you were to separate, he would not bother to have her 50% of the time. Or 40%, 30% or 20%. Because he 'doesn't have the time'. Maybe 10%, if you're lucky. And he probably wouldn't pay the full maintenance either - because he 'cannot afford it'.

He is only interested in himself and his own convenience. Think about the implications of that. If ever the chips are down, if some really serious shit were to happen, what would he do to help you?

He has opted to be useless because he knows you will step up and do everything that he doesn't.

A lot of women find it's actually easier to be a single parent than to put up with that kind of shit. At least you know where you stand and you don't have a dead weight hanging around your neck.

Have you told him that if he can’t at least make an effort you’ll leave?

Of the things you’ve listed, they’re all planning & admin type stuff - how is he with practical domestic tasks? Does he do his share of shopping, cooking, cleaning and childcare?

If he’s good at the practical day to day and pulls his weight there, then maybe your partnership is to understand that he does more of that in return for you calling a plumber and sorting his taxes etc. Some people really do struggle with organising and admin, and as part of a team
you should play to your strengths. No reason why you can’t call a repair guy for the dryer, for instance.

If he’s also lazy around the house then you really need to decide if you want your life to be you doing all the things and him constantly whining he “can’t” (aka won’t)

Not sure why you've always done everything for another grown adult?
Now you've got a baby to look after as well.
If I was feeling kind I'd make a list of things for him to do.
Or let him work it out like you did.