What happened...and what can I do to help?

[Finallyfree23]

I'm a bit out of practice with all of this, my kids are grown up now and whilst I have a great relationship with my nieces and nephews I'm feeling a bit lost with this one.

So my DN 9 is staying with me for a couple of weeks whilst her mum is away for work. She's been here since last weekend, and we've had a great time. DSIS doesn't have to work away very often, but I've always been happy to step in and help, and DN has stayed with me like this maybe half a dozen times since she was little.

She's a lovely, friendly girl with loads of personality, gets her head down at school and is doing really well, and has a great group of friends who she's really close to. No medical issues, no development problems that I'm aware of, sometimes a bit 'old headed' if that makes sense, but also very much a 9 year old girl who still loves to play and lights up a room with her smile and humour.

Anyway, something happened today at school and I don't really know why, or what I can do to help. I went to pick her up as normal and she came out wearing her PE kit, looking really sad. Her teacher asked to have a quick word, and explained that she'd wet herself this afternoon, but hadn't wanted them to call me. To the best of my knowledge its never happened before, at least not since she was very small, and I of course realise that with kids accidents can happen even when they're that bit older, but this just seems so totally out of character and it's clearly hit her really hard. The teacher wasn't sure what had happened either, said that she hadn't asked to go to the loo or looked like she was in any discomfort and only realised something was wrong when DN was sat at her table with her head down crying.

DN is absolutely devastated, and really worried about the other kids making fun of her. She said her teacher was nice, and reassured her, but she knows they all saw and know what happened. I tried to have a chat with her on the way home and again before bed, but she just closed down and didn't want to talk to me - totally understandable as I'm sure she's really embarrassed and probably even more so because it's happened when she's with me and not her mum. Have tried to get hold of DSIS as I'm sure some words of comfort from her mum would be a big help, but I've not managed to yet - I know she was out at a work event so hopefully will be able to speak to her in the morning.

Not really sure what I'm looking for with posting this, but just feeling a bit lost. I know there's probably not a lot practically I can do to help, other than being here for her if she wants to talk, but I just feel so helpless and hate seeing her sad.

Whilst I've only posted occasionally before, I've been reading on here for long enough to know there are some strange folk who come looking for things with inappropriate intentions, so please don't post anything to encourage that, but if you do have any suggestions that may help me to reassure her (or to reassure me!) then I'm all ears.

Thanks for letting me get my worries off my chest. Until I can speak to DSIS there's nobody I really know who I could ask, and I'm worried about causing her even more embarrassment by talking to anybody who knows us anyway.

Poor girl, maybe she has a UTI? Not everyone has pain/burning or stinging.
I don’t think she’s going to feel better until she’s back at school and sees how her peers are with her. She is going to be worrying all weekend.

I'd suggest UTI or sometimes I get bladder weakness just from a regular virus. Poor thing. See how she is tomorrow and maybe call 111 t some antibiotics.

Oh-oh, poor thing. Maybe try distracting her by doing something she likes together, like watch a movie/series, so that she can be in company and not let it get to her as much. She might like your company but not like to talk about it too much. Similar thing happened to me when I was a bit younger and I was teased briefly when I went back to school but I waved it away and it stopped almost immediately.

Yes, in the briefest possible words to put off any voyeurs, infection was my first thought.

Oh bless her. I would definitely see if she has any other symptoms of a UTI as then she could say “I didn’t wet myself I was unwell and I’ve got medicine now “ or something… if she’d be able to talk about it.
Perhaps ask her what she’d like to do- some people do just need to avoid anything about it and have distractions like a trip out somewhere tomorrow and maybe something new that she could cheer herself up with…

other kids might appreciate a chance to roleplay ways to deal with it. Humour-
“haha you wet your pants”
”Yep! Wait til you see what my next trick is!” Or “10/10 for observation… and so?”
Or challenging -
“Yeah I did and I’m really embarrassed about it so please don’t talk to me about it any more”
“It’s really unkind to keep talking about it, please don’t”
Just to help her see that whatever is said it’s not going to be the end of the world and she can cope.

I would also point out that people are quite self centred so they won’t actually care all that much and will move on quickly if she changes the subject and the next thing will happen to talk about.

But I do feel for her, and you… it’s horrible when you can’t just fix it for them 💐

Thanks all for your kind and reassuring words.

i hadn’t even thought of an infection or something like that! She seems fine in herself, but i guess if you’re a little under the weather it can affect you in strange ways even if it doesn’t seem directly related. Will see how she’s feeling in the morning, and great idea to do something to take her mind off things - will take her lead, but I’m sure a distraction will be welcome.

Really do wish I could fix it all for her, she’s such a sweet girl and hope this doesn’t hit her confidence too badly. 😔

No help on what to say but just putting it out there that it may not be a uti, it could be as simple as her having to wait for the toilet (my kids said before there was once a huge number of kids asking to go at the same time), or the teacher may have made her wait or something. Just in case there’s an everyday explanation!

She might start to avoid drinking drinking enough .... might be worth keeping an eye on that. Poor lass ... embarrassing for her. Good she has such a great auntie.

Well we had an early start this morning as I don’t think either of us slept particularly well with the worry. But she’s much brighter after a chat and a bit of a cry with her mum.

She has said she’s still worried about what will happen in school on Monday, but she’s going to be brave. Kids are so resilient! All shes said when talking to DSIS is that she kind of felt the need to go, but not badly, and then it just happened and she panicked and didn’t know what to do. So maybe she has been a bit under the weather, or just misjudged things and got embarrassed about it. Either way, she knows it doesn’t matter and it’s in the past now.

We've spent the morning baking cookies which we’re going to eat with hot chocolates whilst we watch a movie this afternoon - chocolate and laughter has to be the best distraction whether you're 9 or 50, right?

I started having accidents like this at around this age. I was always a shy person but I became so anxious about speaking to the teacher and asking to use the toilet. It happened 3 or 4 times in year 4. It happened when there was a lot of change at home. Over 3 weeks out cat died, my great gran died, my father figure uncle was diagnosed with leukaemia. Then a few months later my sister has a bike accident and needed plastic surgery and my dad was working away from home for months at a time and on one trip an colleague of his was critically injured. After all of this the accidents started but they didn't last for very long. I think I might have gotten better at marching my drinks with my bladder capacity because I don't recall starting to ask to use the toilet.

This happened to me at a similar age, I too shy to ask to go since I was reading aloud to the teacher at her desk (it actually went on her shoes, the shame!) We told everyone who'd noticed that I'd been sick and that's why I'd changed clothes and there was a mop in the classroom. To be honest 9 year olds aren't the brightest and quite self centred so it was all forgotten about quickly. I had a big cry with my mum that evening and then just carried on as normal!

Commenting on another thread with some advice reminded me that I’d never actually followed up here, and I know sometimes when I’m searching old threads when I need advice I sometimes wish the op had come back and shared the outcome - as what’s worked or didn’t can be a great staying point if I’m trying to tackle something myself

Anyway, we never did get to the bottom of what caused this to happen, maybe a bit of an infection or she was just feeling under the weather, perhaps just an accident as she misjudged things.

Unfortunately it really shook her confidence and led to a period where she was incredibly anxious about using the toilet, panicking if she was ever not able to get to one immediately such as on a car trip or in a school assembly even though she didn’t actually really need to go. As is often the case, this worry then did lead her to needing to use the toilet which compounded her fears, and ultimately did lead to her having another couple of accidents despite having never had a problem for probably 5+ years of her life. She was devastated, and this fed into the circle of worry and stress, as it was difficult to reassure her that she was fine and wouldn’t have an accident, when in fact it had happened and caused her a lot of embarrassment. 😢

It was a vicious circle which was really hard to break, in the end her Mum worked with her to create safe environments where she could prove to herself that she didn’t need the toilet, and that even if they’d got it wrong and she really did then an accident wouldn’t matter, nobody would know and there’d be no embarrassment or shame to worry about. It worked, without the stress building up to panic she regained her confidence and belief in herself, and has never panicked like that again even when in a situation where she may have had to wait, and consequently has never had another accident since.

It was a rough few months, but she’s back to herself now. 🥰

This is such a shame. Id maybe just try to down play it saying she's not the first person to do it and sometimes it can happen etc. id maybe even say that I remember it happening to a little girl when I was at school and no one bothered about it/ hardly anyone noticed they just thought she was upset/ unwell/ it was forgotten quickly etc.
The UTI info is worth considering.

Jings just realising I responded to your update and this was ages ago. I'm glad she's ok. I think you sound like a lovely Auntie.