Please can you help me manage my 3.5 year old behaviour??

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My DS is 3.5 and seems to be going through a phase (I hope) where his behaviour is quite a challenge to manage. For context he's at nursery Mon-Thurs with Fridays at home with me or DH. Generally he's a very happy, lively, confident, sweet, funny boy with some sensitivity. In particular the challenge is around transitions, such as going to nursery, drop-off at nursery, nursery pick up, going up to bath, getting dressed etc.

He says he dislikes his nursery (this started when he moved up to preschool room where the ratio of staff means less 1-1 attention) and never wants to go in although I'm confident he does enjoy the days there as I see photos, get feedback and have even seen him enjoying himself when he didn't know I could see him. He also likes most of the carers there and has friends. Drop off and pick up have been absolutely awful though (crying, clinging to me at drop-off or throwing things at pick up- doesn't want to go in and doesn't want to leave!) but nursery have been helpful in applying some strategies to try and make it easier.

At home he's saying No a whole lot more all of a sudden, and disagreeing with everything / anything. He's being incredibly picky about food and very demanding. We never eat sweets or biscuits etc at home but we will occasionally let him have a treat, if we are out, such as a gingerbread man when we visited a museum cafe or lolly on a hot day or whatever. Recently he's started demanding biscuits/ lolly etc at other times when we are at home or on the way from nursery, and then having a massive meltdown when we say no not today. We can't pass the local shop without him demanding lolly / biscuit etc! He is refusing to go up to bath shouting no, etc. Basically everything has become a battle and he's wanting everything now, whatever he wants etc. he gets really frustrated and screams or screws his face up.

He has also started hitting out at us when we say no to him. This has been followed with him saying things like "I don't love you anymore", which is horrible to hear but I try not to take it personally! (When he woke up in the night last night he mumbled "I love you mummy", so when he's asleep he's his true self!)

We are very loving with him, however quite a few times he has reacted strangely when I've said "well done" or complimented him about something he achieved eg "how clever to know what that word means" - he will shout "No, don't look at me / no don't say that / I'm NOT clever" or similar.

I just don't know where this behaviour is coming from, or why he's suddenly putting on this defiance all the time and where is comes from. Could he be angry with us for sending him to nursery? Or am I reading way too much into this and is it normal 3 year old / teenager stuff just about him not managing and regulating his emotions???

In regards to how we manage this currently, we never shout but just stay calm and firmly say no. We try to find opportunities to distract or foresee transitions where possible and provide lots of structure but it's exhausting and I'm constantly aware of the next "battle" trigger. If he flat out refuses (eg bedtime) we just pick him up and carry him upstairs and then once he's in the bath he's fine, although then it's a battle to get him out!

On demanding sweet treats I just say no, and then commiserate with him "yeah I know I get it, biscuits are tasty and it's disappointing we can't eat them every day, how about an apple?" until he moves on to something else, but he gets very cross and frustrated. He can sometimes throw a toy in anger.

With hitting I always get down on his level, hold his wrists and say a firm "no, we do not hit".

How can we manage this better?

...............

Other contextual stuff in case it's relevant:

• no sudden changes at home or anything. Only child.

• The only thing is he recently moved from cot bed to junior bed - quite late but since he never tried to climb out and slept well we didn't see the need to switch earlier. A couple of times he's got up and come to our bed but then stayed awake so now we are training him to stay put in his bed until morning and call out if he needs anything.

• feedback from nursery is he's doing really well (once he's there), very helpful, amiable, switched on, engaged etc.

• I've read the How To Talk...books and follow Big Little Feelings.

YY I think if the choices technique gets overused it can have the opposite effect.

Agree that a reward chart can work wonders. I know neither BLF or HTT are keen on them, and it's a balancing act again not to overuse them for every little thing, but in terms of thinking about one behaviour/skill goal to prioritise, think about breaking down into steps and get them excited about, it can be a really good framework.

Also, you can make the reward into something that you feel conflicted over or that they are always bugging you for and you get frustrated saying no to - get them to work for it.

For example, when DS1 was about this age he wanted a comic every single time we were in a shop. I started a reward chart and if he got five "stars" then he could get a comic. This was really great because it meant that when we were near the comics, I could say "How many stars do you have?" and he'd always know - and we could work out how many more he needed to get a comic next time. It totally stopped the whining in shops and it helped me be positive about his behaviour. At his age I just rewarded random things or I sometimes said "If you do X for me, then you can get a star" and that was useful. I just calibrated it so he got enough for about a comic every 1-2 weeks.

A few years later we were having constant arguments about screen time or I was always taking it off him for bad behaviour, and I suddenly thought we could use this again, set up a more complicated system and used screen time as the earnable reward.

This thread has given me hope! My DC has just turned 5 and I was starting to worry he was completely off the scale with emotions, picky eating etc, but it sounds like he's not so unusual after all. This parenting thing is haaaaaard!

One thing that worked for me when my DC1 had trouble with drop-offs was saying DC1 could bring a toy along to show the staff (I asked the staff in advance if this would be ok). So DC1 would choose one soft toy each day and they'd come along to wave DC1 off and then come home/to work with me. They'd then come again to collect DC1. It won't work for everyone but it made life so much easier for us - DC would literally be buzzing with excitement to show the staff.

Sounds like very standard 3 year old behaviour to me. Agreed that a reward chart works well and try to catch and praise the good behaviour as much as possible (not necessarily with a sticker, just verbal praise). It must be awful for a child to just hear 'No, you can't....' the whole time.

It sounds entirely normal, ride with it, keep being consistent and showing love and it'll pass. This is one of many parenting challenges you'll face.

Sounds like a normal kid to me. Doesn't help to hear that I know as it's hard work all the same but just sounds like normal development to me. They always change when they go to nursery and mix with other kids. Just ignore the meltdowns and keep to your rules and don't give in!

I’d get a few more treats in . Think it’s a bit miserable to only have a treat on the weekends. Kids burn off a huge amount of energy, a biscuit a day isn’t going to make him into a sugar addict/ obese. If anything it teaches moderation and self discipline over time.

Sorry. How embarrassing. Completely new at mumsnet and have no idea what I’m doing. I’ve posted on this thread by accident 🤦‍♀️

We had a very similar issue with our 3ry old - where I say had it still pops up occasionally still and he’s just hit 3.5. I found the nursery really helpful when I explained it to them and we have all started using a now and next ( they use it more than we do now) where by we use pictures to explain what is going to happen now and next - they do parts of the day so lunch then story time , then story time and mummy comes ….. we do more of a day so he knows that it’s a nursery day and that mummy will take him and then mummy will go to work in her car but daddy or grampy will pick him up ….. we found that he finds it much easier to know what’s happening and I think it makes it all a bit more certain for him. I find he gets more ‘demanding’ I want I want when he’s more tired or when he doesn’t get what he maybe wants the first time ….. we also have the I don’t love you I love daddy battles hard as it is I try not to react ( in front of him any way) and he generally doesn’t do it again🫣 hope you find what works for you

Change nursery. Sometimes even the best nursery doesn’t suit every child. It is simple, there are 2 environments, your house which you can control (does he watch any videos like youtubekids? This is another thing that can affect him) and the nursery which you can’t so change it. Start with 1 day in another nursery per week to see how he reacts when that day comes.

With the 'I don't love you' thing I normally say something like 'oh, I'm sorry to hear that sweetie, well I love you' and then distract them into something else.

Is he trying to assert himself where he can?
I remember my child hang on to the gate at daycare for dear life I found it highly stressful and heart breaking.
Ask for some help, make him wave, say bye to you with a teacher. This took several months to achieve a happy outcome.
Unfortunately for us parents all can be going reasonably well but at home we cop the behaviour, the anger, the tantrums.
The hitting & hurting can be a relentless battle.
Keep going and talk to his teachers for some help & support.
Take sometime to enjoy him over the weekends as a family doing something you all enjoy.
Hang in there...next is school so he will face all these challenges again.

I have a 3.5 year old. We’ve found her behaviour challenging since starting nursery but I think she’s just exhausted. She goes 5 days and 3 of them are 10 hour days with wraparound care. I asked the teacher and she said a lot of parents are saying the same about behaviour at home. Apparently it’s because they are on the go constantly all day. We did put some sanctions in a few weeks ago as it was getting ridiculous. Her behaviour has improved again recently though. We have found she needs lots of ‘we are going to bed soon’ ‘bed after this episode’ putting timers on Alexa/ phones, explaining that when the timer goes off she will have to do xy and z. Lots of talk about her being a big girl. We are not really gentle parents though 😬. I am a little bit more but she will get told off, has had things confiscated, sent to her room etc. Her behaviour isn’t generally bad enough to warrant these things but we do go through stages. As you said have also had times where we have just picked her up and carried her to the bath etc. That is getting less so now. She’s rather competitive so usually ‘I’ll race you to the bath, you won’t beat me!’ Will have her legging it up the stairs 😂😂

Oh also I’ve started turning up a couple of minutes late! Standing in a long queue was dreadful and by the time she got to the door she didn’t want to go in! When I’m later there’s maybe only one person infront of me in the queue.

Unfortunately I’ve got no real practical advice for you but to just jump on and say I think it’s a normal age thing.

to a certain degree I could have written this myself about our little man who is 4 in January.

It started a few months ago but has recently been exacerbated by the arrival of his little sister - while he’s very loving towards her it is understandably a huge change for him and he’s acting out a bit more.

But before her arrival he had started to exhibit some of the behaviours you describe above. Other times he is the sweetest, most gentle little soul.

I can only sympathise and proffer the advice that I think it’s an age related phase! Fingers crossed it improves for you soon!

That's just a normal 3yo telling you they're tired and a bit overloaded. It settles down as they get more used to nursery. (If it doesn't after a few months, look at changing).

I think dull weekends and afternoons/evenings without anything too exciting helps! They need time for self-led play in a quiet place.

DS has just started school, he's coming home with all kinds of 'I hate you', 'I'll shoot you' etc. It's just frustration at not being able to control the world around him.

Depending on the child, it might help to make a little retreat place at home - a play tent or cosy corner with cushions and fairy lights. You can help with emotional development by helping your child notice the signs of being overwhelmed/tired and manage them, eg 'I'm cross, I'll look at a book in the corner to calm down'.

Our school does zones of regulation stuff (google it) where kids can label how they feel, you can do the same for nursery kids by having a set of cards with faces on so they can point to sad, happy, angry etc.

I've only read your op but this happened to us and it does get better, you have to look after yourself and basically your little one is telling you that he's losing control of his world and he is trying to get back some control and some proof that things will be ok.
Keep consistent, spend time together etc etc and a trick I found helped with nursery was to allocate plenty of reconnection time for pickup, so pickup then we just sit on the bench outside for as long as he wants before we even think about going home . And I just sat with him, or had a cuddle, or he talked about his topic, but child led.
And also changing my mindset about things he asked for, rather than trying to say no, I would repeat what he wanted to show that I understood, then say I won't give it to you, then say you must feel disappointed and that's normal. In a way the fear is if they want something you have to change topic, otherwise you have to give the thing, but actually just sitting with that feeling as an adult seems to help him.
With eating I read something, you decide what and when to offer the food, and your child decides whether to eat and how much. We always have breakfast cereal as a backup option in case.
Good luck and I'm sure things will get better.

Just to add to that, the don't say that/don't talk to me/etc is a kind of sensory overload, they can't process all that. So I just apologise and stay nearby.
If you look up explosive child book, and highly sensitive child etc, it's not something you can get diagnosed with but it's really helpful as some children just experience the world more intensely than others, through no one's fault.

Sounds like total normal behaviour to me. My youngest son was like this from the age of 1 until he was almost 4, his older brother was always an angel so it was a shock! I always made sure he knew the hitting thing was wrong, I think that part was a phase that passed within a few months.
mat that age they are testing boundaries. My son turned 4 in September and he is an absolute angel now! Obviously has his moments but in general he is great. Hang in in there I’m sure this phase will pass 😊

Book suggestion: the colour monster. The pop up version is great, and really helps my almost 4 year old talk about how she is feeling/act it out (she loves a good pretending to be the angry monster session). It is tough with this age, but the difference between 3.5 and 4 has been enormous in our house.

Colour monster is amazing! As you said definitely worth springing the extra for the pop up version. I’ve got it for my friends kids birthdays too and it’s always appreciated by both parents and children