At the end of my tether with toddler who attacks other children

[Tryingandhoping2020]

She is 2 years old, and it's getting to the point where I have to be right behind her at all times because she will approach any random child and try to scratch/hit their face. Sometimes it's due to jealousy/they have something she wants, but other times it's totally unprovoked, and she's so fast! Even when I'm right there I can't always stop her. Going to places that are child-centric like soft play etc has become so stressful. She does it at nursery too. The current approach we're taking is to give it as little attention as possible, move her away from the other child and make a fuss of the child that has been hurt. We've tried all sorts, but any kind of telling off/time out she just laughs at us so my best guess is that she's doing it for the attention. I obviously cut her nails regularly to limit the damage that she can do. This is really getting me down now, it's been going on a few months and it makes me so sad when she makes other children cry 😢 It feels like I spend my whole life apologising to other parents, and some of them aren't nice about it at all (which is understandable but it makes me feel so awful). I just don't want people to think my daughter is horrible. I feel like I'm a rubbish mum 😭 has anyone been through similar or have any ideas?

As soon as she attacks another child, pick her up and take her home.

Hi - I had the same trouble with my son, who’s 36 now! I remember well how awful I felt! We contacted a child behaviour specialist through a mother and baby magazine and her advice stopped his behaviour within a week after months of behaving badly. She advised me to setup his pushchair in the room wherever we went and to say that if he hurts another child he will spend 5 minutes in the pushchair each time.No attention from it, I just calmly put him in and waited the five minutes - let him get out and explained that it would happen again if he hurt someone. The first few times he spent most of the social sessions in the pushchair but after that, if I continued explain what would happen and he could see that the pushchair was set up ready, my son stopped hurting other children.

My friend had this issue. She watched toddler like a hawk, and immediately left - as in just picked her up and removed and left the location. Went home. Also very firm No.
it worked. Her daughter stopped doing it

What have nursery / health visitors suggested?
Id suggest you don’t take her to soft play for a while if it’s so challenging for her. Try to arrange play dates with a friend who understands what she’s like and will support you.

Poor, poor you: I had this with DS and it’s awful. It peaked at 18 months - 2 years for us.

The ‘usual’ advice never worked - make a fuss of the other child, take him home, etc.

I realised tiredness was a massive trigger - even now I won’t take him to soft play in the afternoons. I also avoided soft play unless it was first thing and very quiet. I found playing it down best - just a quick ‘no DS, kind hands.’ I think it is a developmental thing for many children and what we do makes little to no difference - they just grow out of it eventually.

My eldest daughter did this. I did what others have suggested and explained before if there was any unkind behaviour we were going home and followed through. I left birthday parties, toddler groups, a family lunch (memorably) and it stoped the behaviour. I usually explained before hand to the host that I might have to make an exit and everyone was very supportive.

It also had the unintended consequence of my kids know if I say something is going to happen, I mean it! Even now as teens, they know where the boundaries are!

Thank you for the responses, I might try the pushchair idea first, and if that still doesn't work I'll have to start taking her home/avoiding places with other kids. It's such a shame as at other times she is so sweet, loving and funny - there's just no predicting when she's going to turn! Thanks again for replies, I feel a little less alone with this now. If anyone else has experiences I'd love to hear more.

Nursery are doing the same as us, trying not to give it any attention while removing her from the situation. Haven't heard from the health visitor for over a year, not even had contact to arrange 2 year check yet

I had a similar problem with my 2 year old and spoke to my health visitor who advised a three strikes and your out approach.
First incident take them out of room and explain that their behaviour is not going to be tolerated and we do not hurt other children.
Second incident take them to outside/to car explain again that we don't hurt children and if it happens again we go home, do you want to go home? It's your choice
Third incident take child home with limited fuss, and try not to engage with them too much. No messing just take them home and explain it was their choice to leave by not following the rules.
It took a week but behaviour was never repeated. I remember the first day paying to go into a toddler group barely had time to take my coat off and was almost straight home. But learn they did.

This. Boundaries need to be firm right from the start. They need to know that they will be taken home if they do this. Ideally also avoid going to places when they are likely to be tired if that is a trigger, but you have to be prepared to remove them and for them to know that they will miss out if they hurt other children, especially if your child is laughing when you’re talking to them. One like that needs very firm handling.

The PP who used the ‘pushchair ready in the other room’ method gives excellent advice as well. I let mine overhear phone conversations where I told someone that I’d be taking mine home straight away if he misbehaved. They both knew I meant business.

My adorable usually sweet natured 2 year old went through a biting stage. She mostly bit her older sister and laughed. I firmly said no but when she kept doing it I picked her up immediately and shut her in the our large but boring porch for 5 minutes. Definitely worked.

Poor you.

Some really good suggestions on here, and it won't last forever x

My DD was really rough with other children at the same age too OP, it does make you feel awful. We ended up leaving a lot of situations involving other children & she also did it with her younger cousin. She grew out of it around the age of 3.

I would go with taking them out rather than using the pushchair. It is not a good idea to make sitting in the pushchair a punishment. What will happen if she starts to resist being in the pushchair altogether?

I think taking her outside for a time is better. If she misbehaves, she is taken away from the fun. If she does it again, she has to go home. That is working with natural consequences.