Don't want to hold baby after traumatic hospital stay

[captaincalamari12]

When DD was a very new newborn we had a horrible week long hospital stay where she was treated for meningitis. Every time they had to cannulate, blood test, tube feed, blood sugar etc I had to hold baby to keep her calm whilst they did this. I did it for everything except the lumber puncture. We are a month past this now and thank goodness everything is ok however I now hate holding my baby ever since.

I still adore her, interact when she's on the floor etc and obviously do pick her up when she needs me but every time I do I just feel myself tensing and cringing until she can go down again as it brings it all back and I'm terrified me holding her will make her poorly again or something. It just takes me straight back to all these awful things happening to her. How can I overcome this? I don't feel I can tell anyone as they'll think I don't love her and that's not the case. I just can't seem to bring myself to enjoy cuddling her when I issued to love it.

Please tell someone, they won’t think you don’t love her at all. You’ve been through something traumatic and it’s natural to have a reaction to that. My DS was in the NICU for 10 days and it really affected me- I hated anyone else touching him at first but I also felt weird holding him too much because I wasn’t “allowed” before.

Is there a charity attached to your NICU? Ours offers counselling to anyone who’s had a child stay there. If not you can usually self refer for talking therapies- just search for it in your county

Start having baths with her. Have your partner there if you feel uneasy with the water and handling combination. But warm water, some candles, soothing music and skin to skin can be really soothing for you both. You can start to redirect those muscle memories in a gentle and nurturing way.

And talk to someone about how you feel. It sounds like such a normal response to a traumatic time. You just need some support and some time to build more positive associations with holding your daughter.

fake it until you make it - babies need holding

I absolutely agree with fake it till you make it. Force yourself to relax when you're holding her. This might mean doing deep breathing, the same as when you're in labour. Meet her eyes as much as you can. I really do feel for you and think a GP might be able to help you but you need to hold your baby. It's really vital for her to be held and to feel loved.

I have postnatal depression with my son and this is what I had to do with him. I also took antidepressants and it made me able to cope.

💐

You poor thing. That screams trauma response - if you have a difficult experience anything can set you off, a similar taste, sound, smell, being in the same location, and there’s nothing more traumatic than worrying about losing your little one. It’s totally understandable. If you have the money, maybe skip straight to telling a counsellor about it otherwise please tell your GP making sure to include the context, if you give them even as much detail as you have there then they absolutely won’t judge you or call SS or anything, it’s obvious that it’s a lingering effect of going through a time of worrying about a baby you love and care for. That sort of experience can even cause PTSD or situational depression and nobody would think you’re a bad parent for that, just the reverse actually. If you do get a complete lunatic dinosaur doctor, ask for another one. Sending hugs.

This. It’s a physiological necessity

Sounds like a ptsd response. Talk to the nicu, they'll have some support there.
Sounds tough, hugs to you

Sounds like a completely normal trauma response, and you need therapy for ptsd to resolve it. I had the same when I had my baby, I thought she had died during birth and kept reliving it over and over with intrusive thoughts and flashbacks (she was actually perfectly healthy in the end). I had therapy through the birth trauma unit and it changed my life, I really recommend self referring yourself to peri natal mental health immediately and getting support. One day those fears you have when you hold your baby will be long gone with help from a professional.

EMDR therapy changed my life when I had post natal trauma. Not always easy to get on the NHS but we’ll worth checking out in my opinion. In the meantime be gentle and patient with yourself. You’ve been through a lot, your feelings are valid. Parenthood is a marathon, not a sprint xxx

Are you in England OP? Look up Maternal Mental Health services - they are there specifically to help with trauma caused by birth experiences.
Try to find your local one and ask your GP to refer you (or they might accept self referral).

Please talk to your GP OP. When my toddler was 3 weeks old we were readmitted for a week as she had cows milk allergy. She absolutely screamed in agony at every feed and for about 20mins after. She also had reflux. After we came home without realising i’d made a link in my head that everytime i fed my baby she was going to scream like she did before (even though we had prescribed formula at this point). I’d got myself in such a state i’d dread feeding her, pray someone else would do it, i was almost scared of her. I spent many a phone call in tears with the health visitor, and eventually a couple of weeks later started sertraline for the anxiety. It really helped, if it wasn’t for me getting help and medication i’d never have bonded with my baby. We did lots of cuddles and i used to look her in the eyes and talk to her and kiss her, gradually things just got better and she’s now thriving at almost 2 and i love her to bits. Please please speak to your doctor as there is help out there x

Totally understandable trauma response. Get professional help.

Contact NICU, they are excellent at providing support and you have access for two years. Agree that there's also usually charities associated with NICUs. No one is going to feel you don't love her, it's a completely understandable response and there is help available.

Hi @captaincalamari12 So sorry you and your little one have been through this. My DD had sepsis at 12hrs old and spent 2 weeks in NICU, also having a lumbar puncture so i completely understand you feelings. I echo everyone above. You should have a NICU community team - please reach out to them, or your HV or your GP. Whoever you prefer. I had horrible PND which i didnt get properly treated so suffered for much longer than i should have done and it was all rooted in how poorly my DD had been. You can also still be seen by the perinatal mental health team - your HV might be able to help you access them. You could also contact Bliss - they can help with support following poorly babies, not just prem. What you are experiencing is so common with traumatic NICU experiences - please share how you are feeling because people will understand and there is so much support out there. From someone who is now 2.5yrs on, it does get better 💐

Try either skin to skin or holding her with just her nappy on (under a blanket) with your hands on her skin. Try contact naps like this if you can, and hold her while watching TV to get used to holding her while feeling calm.

First of all,I’m so happy that your dd recovered so well from all her ordeal!

I agrée with the fake it until you make it with PND. I’m not sure this applies to the OP in any shape or form.

But @captaincalamari12 , can I suggest you make an appointment with your GP? Another poster mentioned PTSD and that sounds right to me too. I think you and your dd will be better for getting support asap .
Youve just come through an awful, awful month. You really need and deserve support too.

Speak to someone. It took a long time for me to find my daughter crying traumatising. Reflux and allergies meant she cried for the first 5 months for 16-20h a day. She had a reaction to her 4 month jabs and she screamed continuously for 72h. It was snowing and we could only get her in a nappy no clothes.
I ended up in a mother and baby unit at 10 months and had some sessions with their psychologist and it really helped and he made me understand that this level of crying would set off the threat system and then when I'm in a situation that is reminiscent of it I go back into that same threat system. It tied in with a bunch of historic stuff and my broader MH that isn't relevant here.

She's 3 now and whilst I do go back there when she screams in a similar way to before it's easier to ground myself back into the hear and now.

Do speak to someone. Sending love

Agree with PPs re seeking out therapy.

You could also try lying next to her in bed and just placing a hand on her, stroke her cheek etc just slowly get used to physical contact and start to separate it from your really difficult experience.