Answering back

[Newgolddream70]

This will be hard to articulate but I shall try my best!

My DS8 (Year 4) is great! Academically where he should be at school, plays in a football team, has a a few close friends, sociable and helpful at home (when asked). He's a good boy but lately, he has started to get a bit 'lippy' and literally has a come-back answer for EVERYTHING and I just don't know how best to handle it.

I am an older Mum (53) so actively trying to avoid the 70s/80s parenting style but, sometimes, I just do not know how to handle him other than raising my voice and saying 'just do as you're told!'. We are very close - his Dad and I split up when DS was 2 but they see each other 8 nights a month and his Dad and I get on well so thought I would mention that in case relevant.

I am trying to get the balance right. Are there any books on this subject that you can recommend?

Also, if I ask him to do something (homework for example) instead of answering me, he'll come back at me with a question. He's very quick-witted and I feel like he's getting the upper hand.

It's so hard to explain. He's really well-behaved and polite to all but this behaviour is escalating and I want it to stop.

@Newgolddream70 - I can't recommnd a book, but if it helps, I was in a similar position - older parent with a smart (sassy?) child. Slightly different for me as I have a DD, and I wanted her to be assertive and comfortable with challenge. So I said that it was okay to challenge (actualy, it was encouraged), but it MUST be done politely and courteously. That helped, as each challenge then led to a conversation rather than a fight. Hopefully other posters will be along with book recommendations.

Separately, hats off to you being a single parent. I was brought up by a single parent (my Dad), and he said the hardest thing of all was not having another person there to bounce things off - "Was I too hard? Did I do the right thing?"

Thank you @Zimunya that's a great technique and I shall start using that. I absolutely do want him to be able to challenge and be brave and have his opinion heard and you're right, this needs to be done in a courteous way.

Every day's a school day and I'm still learning!

I’ve just always viewed it as a conversation. Maybe it’s because dd is autistic and has been able to argue with me like a barrister and find every loophole since she was about 3. I always explain the “why”.

sometimes the “why” is because it makes mom’s life more organized and simpler for you to do the chore now instead of later. Other times the “why” might be because I am trying to teach you to be a responsible human being. The why doesn’t have to be entirely about them. They can understand they are part of a bigger household ecosystem.

Courtesy is absolutely necessary. The key is that it goes both ways. A child can raise issues. You have to listen and respond. Not get into a spiraling argument, but definitely be willing to hear genuine reasons your request needs to be modified and make changes when necessary.

@Ponderingwindow finding every loophole is exactly what's it's like!

I don't want to change his personality and it's down to me to channel this behaviour in the right way. But sometimes he does need to listen and accept that there are things he simply has to do that are not up for negotiation. This is the hard bit because when he says 'no' he thinks his word is final.

Sorry @Ponderingwindow think our posts crossed.