To those whose dad's were absent?

[Mazhaz]

DSs dad comes and goes as he pleases. Disappears for a year to 18 months at a time. We hear NOTHING, not even a text.

Doesn't provide a SINGLE penny. Shows up saying he 'has an hour to spare,' then fucks off again for months.

Is it worse to Neveeeeeeer really know your father through out your childhood. Or ATLEAST know him a bit and have some interaction. Even if he doesn't give a FUCK and let's the child down all the time?

Help please 😭

I don't know the answer because I think there are too many variables like what he's like when he's around, how much the child knows him from before, when he left originally, what other support is in place etc etc.

What I do know is that my father definitely felt that his father just leaving, never to be seen or heard from again, was a better thing for him than his dad popping in and out. It allowed him to have very uncomplicated feelings of dislike and disdain for his father, and he had no complicated conflicting emotions, Eg when he died, he felt zero obligation or moral requirement to make any effort to attend the funeral, notwithstanding the societal pressure to do so. His only slight regret is that he did not ever make contact with, or even meet, his half siblings and he doesn't even know their names.

One thing I will say, depending on the age of your DS, I think it's very important that if and when his dad reappears, he should not feel obliged to do anything or feel anything. If he wants to see his dad, fine. If he doesn't, fine. He should never ever be asked to change his plans or accommodate his father in a way that makes him unhappy as that kind of double standard I think is astonishingly damaging.

I don't think there is a right way. I decided myself when I was 12/13 to not engage with him anymore. It was still devastating, but it removed the will he/won't he aspect of it and felt like I could finally mourn for what I never had.

I really don't miss having him now because he was never going to be the TV dad who is supportive, gives hugs, picks me up from the airport and generally shows up for me.

My DC always knew who he was. To look at. We split up when I was pregnant with our second and even though he lived on the same road as my parents, they never got so much a Christmas card from him.

I never said a bad thing about him, though I had plenty internally. I just explained he wasn't good for our family. They'd see him standing outside his new gfs house, smoking a joint, most days. From the day they could articulate it, they never missed him. They never wanted to meet him. The words from my eldest was 'he was never there for us when we were little, why would we want to see him now,' when asked if they'd like to meet him.

If I was you OP, I'd accept the father for what he is. He's unreliable. He's happy to have no contact with the child. Your child deserv s so much better than that, as do you as a mother witnessing it. I'd always let the child know who he is, because it's better to come from you than someone else. But, it's time to cut the cord of uncertainty. It can't be good for anyone to feel picked up then forgotten about, to be picked up.... Then forgot about. If I was you, I'd do as I did. Forget about the dad. Let him do his own thing. The only thing your child needs is you. Stability. Love. Care. Children aren't stupid. They see who was there for them. If your child wants to reach out when they're older, you can only guide them and prepare them that it may not work out, but you'll support them 100%.

The reason we broke up was because he refused to feed the baby. He's a dad, he can't refuse to feed a baby! So f***g disrespectful to our child. You both deserve better, separately from the guy who is leaving you in so much uncertainty.

Some amazingggg advice, thank you.

My son is 4. I've spent the past year telling him his dad is on holiday and will see him when he's back 😭😭😭😭

He finally saw him but said he could only accommodate an hour as he was 'busy'. This was on a Sunday and he doesn't work...

When he shows up, he LOVE BOMBS the crap out of him. Then he disappears again and my son is left feeling confused.

He was extremely nasty to me as a partner, he would shower me with intense love and affection, then ban me from leaving the house without him escorting me and call me a slut if I did.

I see parallels in their relationship in that, he is extremely lovely to him then he just disappears.

I ended up speaking to his daughters mum, he was the same with them. It's not unique to us.

Bump