How to negotiate with 13 year old boy

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DS13 is pretty bright, gets decent grades at school, never been totally cooperative but generally ok. Our current issues, which I’d appreciate perspective on, are as follows:

1. gaming. He would spend ALL his time on his Xbox if he could. He plays online with his friends so I don’t mind it to an extent but any time limits we set he fights against. He is unable to self regulate so I have to cut off the internet to get him off it. He then slobs around saying he’s bored.
2. he can’t be bothered with any other interests. Trying to encourage him to do a sports club outside school-he likes hockey, squash and cricket but he point blank refuses to attend any out of school clubs for anything, or spend his time in any way other than gaming/sleeping/watching tv.
3. obsessed with having “stuff”-the latest trainers/clothes/gadgets but can’t see that it’s not reasonable to expect us to just buy him them if he doesn’t need them. He gets an allowance so he could save up, or ask for them for Christmas/birthday, but he wont accept that as a solution.
4. refuses to let us have any insight into his schoolwork. Monosyllabic answers if we ask him about it.

Anyone with similar experiences/advice on how best to handle it?

thank you

Re: schoolwork. You could contact the school and ask his pastoral teacher to do a progress check? That would give you an idea of how he’s getting on if there aren’t any reporting points in the near future. Telling him you’re planning to do this might encourage him to share more with you. I will say though that monosyllabic answers about school -especially the work- are completely normal for his age. If I had a £1 for every time a parent has told me “they never tell us anything”…

Are there any school sports teams/clubs he could attend? If he likes those activities but doesn’t want to do a club out-with school, it could be a confidence thing with not knowing anyone. Whereas if it’s school linked, he’d probably know a few people.

I would definitely be encouraging him to take part in some kind of physical activity. Does he like the gym? Or would he? I know quite a few boys who’ve started to get into weights and prefer that to a sport. Some council gyms have free access to school children at certain times of day (our local one is free between 3pm-5pm for school kids).

This is a pick your battles situation.

What do you really care about? OK, you don't want him gaming in every spare minute, but you've physically prevented that by switching off the wifi.
If he can't game, he might get bored, but boredom will hopefully persuade him into doing things. Not everyone likes clubs; does he have friends he'd like to meet up with more - suggest that to him (do all the running round if necessary). 13 is a hard age because they haven't yet got adept at doing their own organising?

Re the buying things - if he has a sensible allowance (i.e. he's not complaining because he has no access to things that his peers do) then he can moan as much as he likes. Won't change anything.

Normal for teens not to say anything about school. Do you have a parent portal so you can at least find out bits? You say he is getting good grades, so you might want to consider what exactly it is, you want to know.

With the gaming, does he have a device in his room? I'd take it out into a family area so that you can keep tabs on it. Then put in time boundaries and stick to them rigidly. Turn the device off midway thru a game if need be.

My DS is 11 and would spend all day gaming if I let him. I'll put time limits on and if he's not off by the set time, he loses his phone and gaming privileges the next day. He knows I'm not joking so comes off most of the time (altho he does still sometimes lose his phone/gaming privileges and has done so this week in fact) We also have a no giving up activities rule. DS doesn't have to do his current activities, but he can't give them up without something else to go to...so he goes.

Because yours is older and isn't used to these rules, id suggest a sit down with him to properly negotiate with him. Trying to force strict rules on him at this stage could be counterproductive.

If you only want him to have 1.5 hours of gaming, tell him you'll allow 1 hour a night. If he wants 3 hours, are you prepared to shift to 2 hours from the 1.5 etc. Show some willing to compromise with him, but not too much, cos you're in charge. Then stick to the rules like absolute glue and follow through, every single time. Hopefully if he feels like he's been part of the decision making process and has seen some compromise your side, he will be more prepared to listen

Thanks for these replies. have spoken to his tutors. He’s doing ok, I just think he’s one of those kids that will coast along in the middle somewhere-not a cause for concern but not really being pushed to his potential. I have expressed this, and they make the right noises but I am not sure they are taking any particular action.

He does a lot of sport at school, so I’m not concerned about his fitness per se. I’m just concerned about his lack of additional interests/drive to do anything else other than gaming. I wouldn’t mind the gaming if there was equal enthusiasm for anything at all else!

He doesn’t arrange to meet his mates much but you are right that he’s 13 so it’s a tricky age between not having playdates arranged by your mum but equally not really having the confidence to arrange his own social life!

I just don’t want him to get through school and find he’s wasted his whole childhood gaming and come out with mediocre grades!

It is a very different world from when we grew up + as parents we need to adjust our expectations a bit. Keeping communications open, trying to keep engaged with their lives, even if you only get grunts back. It is fairly normal for teenage boys. They are frustrating!

Mine was like that about school work from yr 7-9. but yr 10 options meant doing less boring subjects + suddenly he started showing more interest at school + less coasting. Many boys do the minimum, the schools have seen it all before + will try their best. Hopefully at some point he will grow out of it. Or not like my brother + you will nag + pay him to study through exams like my parents did!
Gaming is their hobby + social life, youtube is their tv. My OH completely dismisses both, isn't interested, derides them + will leave the room rather than watch any youtube. As a result he has lost any closeness with our kids. Don't do this! I try to behave like any other hobby. I act interested, ask questions, praise wins + commiserate losses. It probably helps I was a little interested in gaming as a kid, but the way I think of it is I learnt about dinosaurs + trains for my kids, I can learn about gaming. One thing I do that my kids really appreciate is not turning it off arbitrarily, but ensuring the game is saved. To gamers it is cruel, like shutting the computer down without saving their homework. It is a hassle to remind them to save + force them off before the cut off. And oh yes they try to take the piss. But it shows respect for their hobby + I repeatedly nag the reaons they have to stop. Its a grind, but teaching them to take a break from gaming when tired, angry or frustrated is a lesson for much more in life than we realise. Gaming teaches competition, team work, coordination, time management, attention to detail, maths, logic, reasoning... its not that bad of a hobby.
Also, don't underestimate the impact of lockdown in hobbies + going out. Teens at the moment are 1 or 2yrs behind in terms of independently going out. Yr5-7 is usually when you start to walk to school alone, go to the park + shops for the first time, etc. Lockdown when they were in these years stopped the natural progression of their independence in its tracks. And worse, put it backwards as suddenly going out was banned + scary. Society as a whole goes out less now. Going out will likely happen naturally for your child but later than expected. With my teen it took a girlfriend to his change mind on going out.
Good luck and chill out. He sounds entirely normal to me!

Thank you. I think that’s the reassurance I needed. I probably sound like a pushy parent, and maybe I am to an extent, but I just want him to be and achieve what he is capable of. It also doesn’t help that our DD (10) is a bit of a “Perfect Peter” (if you are familiar with Horrid Henry!!) and it’s hard not to draw comparisons even though they are clearly very different beings!!

Teenagers that are into gaming tend to not like going round friends houses as there's only one gaming set up there.

Online gaming is really how a lot of them socialise these days; my DS is now much older but has always socialised through online games and all the way through a levels and uni met up with friends in online games.

I would learn more about how the kids he is communicating with on the games. He might well be hanging out with them but in this weird virtual world that is now available.
Set times that he is and isn't allowed on the x box so if he is using that has his social times he can arrange a time to do so but I would look at some restrictions
I never saw any friends outside of school aside from the girl had played with since being 4. I developed a pathological anxiety about asking my parents of I could go to a friend's house around the age of 8 when the friend I spent quite a bit of time with moved away. It took until starting my a levels and getting a new set of friends to get over it. It doesn't sound like what's going but I thought I would mention it
The not know what is going at school sounds pretty standard. My yr 4 teachers told my parents to stop doing my homework and they replied we never see her homework only that she says she's done it. I never spoke about my day nor did my sister's.
With my niece her mum gets messages home once a term of she had done particularly well at a subject but doesn't get a great deal of feed back other than "yeah fine" she's 13