Feel like a failure

[redfox14]

My DD is almost 9 months old and I’ve just gone back to work (part time). Since I’ve been back at work, my parents and in laws have been looking after her through the day, and her sleeping/feeding routine has gone completely out of the window. When I’m at home with DD I try to make sure she has a morning nap and late afternoon nap, we go for a couple of walks, she has a bottle every three or four hours depending on how hungry she is, and I’ve been trying to get her to try some solid foods too, even if she just has a taste.

When my parents/in laws have DD, when I go to pick her up they frequently say, she’s only had one 4oz bottle all day, or she’s only slept for 20 minutes. I work 8 hour shifts and she’s usually with my parents/in laws from about 8-5. I’m absolutely horrified when they say she’s had one bottle in 9 hours or had such a small amount of sleep. DD is always exhausted and it’s a struggle to get her through to bedtime at 7pm, her night time sleep is really suffering too and she’s gone from sleeping from 7pm - 7am with one wake for a bottle through the night, to waking up every couple of hours, hungry or unsettled.

I’m absolutely exhausted from being up constantly through the night, and struggling at work because im so run down and emotional. Im worried about DD and when I’ve told my parents and in laws about my concerns, I get the “we’ve had babies of our own” response and just get brushed off. Im so stressed and feel like I should just be staying at home with DD. I don’t know what to do.

when you say just how just ? she is probably unsettled because of the new routines and that's probably normal and exhausting for everyone. give them a list to outine her with her changing bag and bits and pieces and let them work it out. it might take a few weeks sadly.

@Mrsjayy this is my second week back, I had given them a little note with her usual routine on eg 7am feed, wake windows should be 2.5-3 hrs then needs a nap, but they will say “we tried to put her down and she wasn’t tired”. Her routine is the same and quite often they have her at our house so it isn’t too different for her but still unsuccessful 😞

Do you mean that she’s literally only had 4 ounces of formula between 8am and 5pm? And not that she’s had the 4oz in addition to 3 meals, 2 snacks and a sippy cup of water? If that’s actually happening then she’s basically being starved because that wouldn’t even be enough for a newborn. End the arrangement now, you or DH takes parental leave and get her on the list for every nursery and childminder nearby. They aren’t suitable caregivers.

@InTheRainOnATrain yes, I’d given her a 7oz bottle before I left for work, and when I messaged at 3pm MIL had given her a bottle but said she only had 4oz at lunchtime. I panicked and told DH to give her a bottle asap when he went to pick her up and she had another 7oz at 4pm. MIL and my parents will sometimes give her a yogurt or try her with solids but she isn’t really interested in food yet. This is what I’m worried about as I feel it really isn’t enough and when I told them that, they said they had offered her more but she didn’t want it

If you haven’t already see your HV or GP about the eating. As for your mum/MIL obviously they can’t force feed her but it depends how much they’re actually trying and they should be offering food at every meal (or following whatever plan the HV suggests) not just the occasional yoghurt.
I don’t like that they’re not making an effort to follow the routine and dismissing your concerns. Free childcare is always going to be like it or lump, and personally I really wouldn’t be happy with their care (or lack thereof). I really think you need proper professional childcare.

they can't force her to take her milk I know you are stressing about it , but they will be different for her so the baby needs time to settle into the new routine, the grandparents won't want her upset it's really something you need to work out together and if it doesn't work to her advantage you might need to look for some childcare but then she might not follow the routine their either you haven't failed at anything give it a week see how it goes and try and up her solids.

I'd be concerned she's not eating at all by now from what you say. Maybe agreed a plan

@InTheRainOnATrain @eurotravel @Mrsjayy since I came home from work she has had two 8oz bottles, and had a small amount of mashed potato from mine and DH’s tea. I’m so relieved.

I’m wondering if it’s separation anxiety? Could that cause her to not eat as much when she’s with her grandparents?

She has always been fine with them before so I would be surprised if it was this but I can’t think of any other explanation. I did express to my parents today that I was worried she wasn’t drinking enough milk and they just said they can’t force her but will try to offer it more.

I'd put her in nursery ASAP personally.

Yes nursery would be easier but also costs up to £60-100 a day. Yes it's not as easy to dictate grandparent care but there is a middle ground.
Maybe set a routine - nap time, put down, lights out etc
Food - feed at X time in high chair
Bottle at Y time etc

I'd put her in nursery. Depending on the baby there can be some hard work involved in getting a baby to nap well at that age - walking around with them in the pram/sling no matter the weather, bouncing them etc. Not just plonking them down. Either your family members don't realise this, or they don't feel prepared to put this work in? It would worry me that they're minimising your concern instead of sharing it and exploring solutions together. At a nursery they'd take things like this more seriously.

@SouthLondonMum22 @Lilascupcakes @eurotravel I can’t afford to put her in nursery, we are struggling a bit financially which is why I’ve gone back to work. I’m also a bit hesitant about leaving her with strangers, I know that they are trained to look after babies etc but I just worry about her being looked after by people who don’t know her especially while she’s nonverbal. DH doesn’t agree and thinks nursery would be a good idea but we just can’t afford it anyway.

My son was the same when I went back to work at 11 months. He refused milk with both our parents and at nursery and wasn't a great eater. I had to just give him a bottle as soon as I got home, not working wasn't an option unfortunately as we needed the money.
He's 3 now and perfectly healthy but it was so stressful at the time.

@brievandecam it is so stressful! How long did it take for your little boy to settle? Glad to hear he is all good now 😊

@redfox14 I do suggest calmly sharing that you are concerned and would like to try a set routine. DC do tend to settle once they get that the routine is same even if carer is different. Eg lunch milk / food in high chair for 20 min, nap 2-3 etc
That's how a CM or nursery would do it

When you can I would also suggest putting her in nursery. I understand your fears but they are trained to look after babies/children and go through so many safety checks.
my now 20 months old went to nursery from 6 months old (had to go back to work) and has absolutely thrived. I love his nursery. The staff are incredible, I trust them with my child and they have helped us through a lot including weaning. I know he gets nutritious meals that have been tailored for growing children and offer snacks and drinks throughout the day so he never goes hungry or thirsty.
our families don’t live close and although I know they would try to stick to my schedule I gave them, I know they would struggle as he’s not exactly a chilled out child. I feel much more at ease having him with people who know how to look after a toddler than our parents who haven’t dealt with one in 30-40 years.

When my little one started going to my parents she was very much the same. For her sake, to make the transition a bit easier I spent some of the weekend with my parents, just so I could be there whilst she gets used to them feeding her. It also helped to show them the routine and how many naps she has.

Your little one is adjusting to the new routine, different people feeding her and putting her down for a nap is quite a change and it will throw her off when she’s used to being with you. Please don’t feel guilty about working as we all have these pressures, it’s not easy but we all understand how you’re feeling. It doesn’t make you a bad mum.

Id write down your normal routine for dd, what you do roughly at each time and ask them to try as hard as they can to replicate it. It massively helped my dd to settle.
Not my dd has adjusted, my parents have a different day set up but she naps and eats with them.
I know everyone swears by nursery but for my little one, it was the worst thing I did. She didn’t eat or nap at nursery either and spent most of the day crying. I was paying a fortune for her to be incredibly unhappy. She didn’t know the staff, it took months for her to settle and if she didn’t eat they just shrugged it off.Even when I provided bottles and packed lunches.
I shared her normal routine with the nursery but it isn’t always as easy for a nursery to follow as many I visited said they have their own structure to the day and they will try establish the new routine with my dd. I removed her as she was so upset that I felt worse for it.

I don't think nursery is the be all either I used to work in childcare and some babies/toddlers took weeks to settle in and the op would struggle with the fees anyway. I think the suggestion of going to the Grandparents and hanging around is a good one also ask them to give her a smaller bottle but every 2 hours or so.

I'd truly see if you could manage to find the money, especially if you are only considering your salary. Remember that childcare should be a joint expense.

Might be worth checking out a childminder too as they tend to be cheaper than nursery.

They don't stay strangers for long. My DS adores his keyworker and if there's settling issues, they will work with you instead of just dismissing your feelings because they are experienced and have done it many times. They are truly wonderful.

Of course, if you truly can't afford it then you can't afford it and it will then just be a case of giving it more time since it can be tricky mixing family with childcare.

It's hard without having eyes in the house to know where the problem is. It could be baby is feeling unsettled
It could be they are easy to give in
It could be the way they are trying to give the food isn't working for them
It could be completely random and just needs time.

Could you spend some time with them just stood back and see how they get on with food and bottles?

It's so hard when you have a baby that doesn't connect with weaning. My daughter was 13 months when she was engaged with weaning and we had periods where she only breastfed for a couple of minutes a day. I makes any changes like this more pressured.