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Nearly 5 year old struggling with making friends - how can I help him?

5 replies

Greenleaves20 · 07/11/2023 20:21

We’ve been told at our first parents evening that DS has settled in well but spends a lot of the time playing on his own. He talks to the teacher and answers questions in class but doesn’t really seem to have any friends. The teacher said she wasn’t concerned at this stage and was going to do some activities to build his confidence with other children. However, it would be nice to help support him with this if I can, I just don’t know how!

He’s quiet, shy and small for his age but he’s so kind and has the most amazing imagination. When I’ve seen him with others outside of school, for example on play dates, he often doesn’t want to join in if the other children aren’t playing something he’s interested in. I’ve seen glimmers of him wanting to play with others but he doesn’t seem to be able to take the steps to initiate any games or play with them. I’ve often gone with him to join in together but he just ends up playing with me. A couple of weeks ago he tried to start a dinosaur game (I think) by roaring loudly at another boy but the boy just turned to someone else and said ‘he’s ridiculous isn’t he’ which was heartbreaking to see. Should I be saying to him that roaring loudly isn’t maybe the best way to start a game?? Is this going to knock his confidence even more?

He’s got a younger brother and they play together (although it’s slightly different as little brother is happy to do whatever DS wants) but he does imaginary play etc with him and with us.

Is this normal for some reception aged children? I’m worried he’s not going to make any friends and be isolated and sad at school. I’m going to try and organise a few more play dates. Any other ideas would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

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FatherJoseFernandez · 07/11/2023 21:32

My eldest was like this. I feel your pain! I asked the teacher if she could pair him with other quieter children and that helped as lot of the others were too loud for him. He also did a few after school activities when he started year one and that helped him feel more at ease around others and kids of different ages. He’s in year 3 now and has no issues. Don’t worry it may just take a little time.

Greenleaves20 · 07/11/2023 21:40

Thanks for this @FatherJoseFernandez , it’s so good to hear a positive story! I feel like I’d rather he was struggling with reading or writing as they feel easier to help with than this. But hopefully with some time and a bit of help things will improve. Does your DS have a few good friends now then?

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FatherJoseFernandez · 07/11/2023 21:54

Yes he regularly plays with a small group of boys and girls but joins in with games with bigger groups at playtime. He’s always been invited and gone to lots of parties and other kids houses on play dates. He doesn’t have a specific best friend but as long as he joins in I don’t see a problem. I made sure we would meet up with mine and DH’s friends who have kids and his cousins so he has friends outside of school as well.

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MidnightOnceMore · 07/11/2023 21:58

The way you help is by doing three things IMO.

Firstly, love him how he is and tell him he's great.
Secondly never try to push him socially as you'll make it into a thing.
Thirdly go to social things with him in spare time and model talking to people or joining in.

He's very young. Also some people just are quiet. The cult of extrovertism is strong but misplaced. Quiet people are just as valuable as sociable people.

SpoonyBitchell · 07/11/2023 22:00

MidnightOnceMore · 07/11/2023 21:58

The way you help is by doing three things IMO.

Firstly, love him how he is and tell him he's great.
Secondly never try to push him socially as you'll make it into a thing.
Thirdly go to social things with him in spare time and model talking to people or joining in.

He's very young. Also some people just are quiet. The cult of extrovertism is strong but misplaced. Quiet people are just as valuable as sociable people.

This is an excellent answer.

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