feeling hopeless

[HanSamNov]

I am 36 years old. I suffer from mental health problems and fibromyalgia. I have a 15 year old with my ex husband and a 1 year old with my new partner. I struggle alot when it comes to believing i am a good mum to my daughter. My ex husband took my son away from me 4 years ago. All i know is the school my son goes to. My son is autistic and he blames that on me he says he is only autistic because i have physically and mentally abused him. My ex has used my childhood against me as i was abused by my mum and her boyfriend. I gave my son everything made sure he had the childhood i never had. I cant help but feel that some how my daughter is going to be taken away from me. I struggle with alot of pain everyday i have to limit what i do each day my house is a mess as i cant do much as my focus is on my daughter. I make sure that i take her out we have swimming lessons and go to playgroup once a week. She sees her grandparents 3 times a week. I hate feeling like a failure and a bad mum. I feel like i let my daughter down. I always find myself comparing myself to the other mums at playgroup. I hate myself that i cant work due to my health i would love to work even if it was something to do from home. Everyone says what i brilliant mum i am but i struggle to believe it myself. I have really let what my ex husband has done to me affect me so much especially as i have been through domestic abuse not physical but emotional and financial which is still going on 4 years after he took my son away. I find myself crying most days. I just wish it didnt affect me so much sometimes i feel that i shouldnt be happy and i just feel like i cant enjoy life some days. I dont know what to do.

Hey there hun, hope you are doing ok. I will start by saying, a mum who is bad will not worry about if she is a good mum.
The past is past, you might not feel like a good mum but most women feel this way. Are you experiencing guilt as a result of not being able to be with both children? That's completely fair, but remind yourself that your children reflect you, so I recommend really throwing yourself into your daughters world more than usual and maybe plan out a week of cute things to do that you both like. Face masks and movies are always a winner!
You need to focus on the joys of motherhood; create some happy giggly moments with your daughter, it will benefit you greatly to have a daily laugh and a hug. Take turns brushing each other's hair etc xx
They say you have to fake it till you make it, I have been fake smiling and laughing since I can remember. Also, this always helps me, look at your child and take ten deep breaths, and think about how much you love them. I feel you need to overdo it slightly for a short while as a therapy for yourself. You need to train yourself during this time to replace feelings of guilt about not being able to give time to your son xx when you are in the moment and you start to feel sad and guilty, go and ask for a hug from your daughter, not a sad hug but a happy hug because you need one of her special hugs xxxx hopefully over time you will be able to be present in the moment as opposed to lost. I was abused also so I can totally understand where your mind is, I still have trouble making friends cause of how my ex treated me I think anyone I meet us silently judging me.
You are a Goddess, don't be your own worst enemy 💖 fake it till you make it.
Someone once said, "When you can't do anything, do what you can."
Focus on the here and now because that's all you can do my flower xxxx don't be disheartened by people who wouldn't want to see you smile, they do not have your best interests at heart xxxx focus on you, be strong!