For those who enjoyed motherhood - advice

[Jelllytot]

I'm a first time mum to a 7 month old. She is the sweetest funniest little baby, and I feel very lucky to be her mum. That said, motherhood has hit me like a bus. I am constantly finding myself feeling like "my mum never mentioned it was this tough".

Since giving birth I am just so tired and exhausted. It's neverending . I wonder if I just had things so cushy or maybe I was lazy(!?) but I just want a day of doing absolutely nothing (and yet when given the opportunity to have a day to myself, all I do it think about DC and want to hang out with her).

My body has changed for the worse. I have so many aches and pains that make doing things so much harder eg. giving DC a bath hurts my back, I struggle to sit on the floor, because my coccyx has been impacted so playing on the floor with DC is painful. I'm doing physio and so hopefully it will all heal soon.

I am suddenly cooking so much more because I want DC to have a positive weaning experience but I find it tiring doing it everyday.

Anyway, for mums who genuinely found the entire experience a pleasure, please give me some advice. I want to LOVE it. But I can't help but feel how easy life used to be. I feel ungrateful but I owe my DC a happy and present mum (and my DH too tbh. He is so very happy to be a dad and I find most of my conversations every evening are just whinging to DH about things I find hard. And I don't want to be such a negative person when he's enjoying it so much)

The first year to 18 months is tough, I hated it both times but 18 months hit and finally the baby is talking and walking and it becomes a lot easier I found.

I could have written your post after my first.

I've got a 7 month old too, my second baby, so it must have got better or I wouldn't have done it again! From memory my body took a good year to feel like it wasn't broken.

I remember being roughly 7 months postpartum with my first and feeling as I do now, like I need a week alone in a cave to recharge. It's monotonous, cleaning, cooking, entertaining a baby. Honestly don't go out of your way to cook for baby, let them have what you have (adj for salt, etc). And if baby will take a pouch (mine won't, he only wants finger foods!) Then please buy pouches too. They have no additives if you read the ingredients.

Motherhood is really hard at times. It's also incredibly rewarding too.

These times pass so fast, one day she will be off to school and you’ll wonder where it went. A bit more time and she’ll be off to Uni without a backward glance.
As someone with adult children now, I say treasure every day, every cuddle, because it goes far too fast. But make sure you have regular time off, like a gym class. And look at going back to work in the future, work saved my sanity.

I would keep in mind that nothing in life is always good; jobs, relationships, friendships etc are never always great. I think that’s often the biggest problem is that we are told we will love being a mum when yes we love our DC and parts of it we love but no we don’t love the sleep deprivation, repetitive actions.
As mine got older it remains that I love my DC but I don’t love every minute but I also am balanced out by working and doing things that are for me.

The shift for me was to finally accept life willnever6 be the same again. Yu never get your old life back and if I wanted life to be fun, it had to be fun with^ DC not away from them. That led to us having the best times as a family. We went out every weekend as Dc grew. We went to steam fairs and mini railways, animal sanctuaries and petting farms, castles and adventure playgrounds. We built dens in the woods, and ice forts, went sledging when it snowed, cycling in summer. We camped in the garden, baked cakes, built bug hotels, raised pets, went to pantos and children's theatre. As they grew older we went to interactive art exhibitions and museums, music festivals, theatre and opera, climbed mountains, went kayaking and wild swimming.
Other parents at school used to comment that we did so much and had such fun together as a family. But it was partly because I didn't want to mourn my old life, I wanted to enjoy the new one.

Firstly would fully recommend a chiropractor for the coxsycs pain. Mine was better in 3 weeks after 9 months of struggling with it.

I think the thing to remember is even if people tell you they are loving it all or seem to be there are also times when they are exhausted and overwhelmed.

I find having a plan and structure to my day helps massively. Trip out, activity in the house and maybe a job that needs doing etc. All the cooking for the weaning is hard, that gets a lot easier when you no longer have to puree it. Would recommend the book what mummy makes as they are meals you can all eat if she is willing to xx

@TotalOverhaul also fully agree with this. We are always out as well and love finding new places to go x

chiropractor and physio to get yourself sorted out.

Is your DH giving you plenty of time off once he's home from work and at the weekends?
are you using babysitters/family to be able to have an evening out here and there?

There's so much over the top weaning advice on Instagram etc, it can be really simple and you don't need to make it such a faff for yourself.

Mine are 20 and 18 now and overall it's been a pleasure. But not all of it. The years go fast, but my God, the days and weeks can go so slowly at times.
Don't be afraid to outsource some of it to paid help, we started at four months.
It's never too early to go back to work (even pt) for your mental health if you so choose. Makes the hard times easier.
Make sure your DH pulls his weight. He's enjoying it so much because he's not doing it 24/7. I guarantee he wouldn't swap roles with you.

Another who agrees with above post.

I liked having some structure (not too rigid though as liked to go with the flow) but a plan of things to do that day etc. Weaning can you not just give baby whatever you are having? If they are having purees then I just used to blend whatever I was having with a hand blender and there was an extra 2-3 portions for lunches/freezer.

We get out everyday and try out new exciting things. 7 months is hard, but use that time to do things you like. I recently went to the tower of London with baby in the sling and we had a great time.

It does get easier my eldest is 3 now and so much fun and we can do some really nice days out or even walks in the forest, collecting things etc. The first 12-18 months is particularly tough especially first time round. I've found it much easier 2nd time round as my life didn't change as drastically.

Nobody 'loves the entire experience'. No one. And that's ok. You don't have to don't set yourself that expectation.

Some people love newborn stage, hate toddlers, others vice versa. Some love playing with their babies, others find it tedious. Some are happy to stay at home, other people enjoy parenthood 100% once they go back up work and feel they've reclaimed my identity.

All is say is don't do anything just because you feel there is social pressure that you 'should'.

It took me 2 years to enjoy being a mum. I had severe depression and my daughter has severe reflux.

I had vig therapy to help with bonding. This involved working with a therapist who filmed me playing with my daughter looked of moments of connection or us enjoying time with each other and me being a mum. Reviewing the footage was hard but rewarding. If you can get some photos sharing moments of play try.

We do a photo book for the grandparents each Christmas and this had a similar effect on my bonding with my daughter. We have just started this year's and I'm really enjoying seeing the lovely moments we have had together. I don't take a lot of photos and some months we only have 5 or 6 but they capture precious moments. I'm deliberately using the word moments. There's so much crap in life and there are chores to do, bums to clean, a to do list to cope with and things for forward planning that takes brain power and energy and zaps joy.

I only went back to work 4 days a week due to my mental well-being. It's impossible to not do any chores but broadly my day off is to spend time with my daughter. We do a group in the morning and then go to the park or the library or to see my parents or something else. I find having that one dedicated day much more special than the 5 days a week we had together during maternity leave. I think if I was to do it again I would have a day of maternity leave ring fenced for baby targets activities only. I still have bits to do but they fit around my daughter rather than managing my daughters needs around chores as they might on a standard Saturday

I've loved every stage of being a mum so far (I have a three year old so there's still time!!) and I would say just give yourself a break. You're doing so well. But also, she will still have a great weaning experience if you sometimes chuck her a pouch and some rice cakes. Maybe sometimes your afternoon activity is watching Winnie the Pooh for an hour. You don't always have to play on hard mode.

You're not alone OP. Mine are early teens now and I'm loving it - the challenges are still there but they're different.
I wanted and loved my babies very much but hated the boring endless exhausting grind of it all from newborn through to about 18 months - and I have a very supportive hands on DP. I went back to work after 9 months with my first, 3 days a week. 75% of my salary went on childcare and the rest on bills but that was ok for me because I was so knackered weekends were for TV and early nights because the baby would be up at 6 anyway.
The thing that kept me sane was filling the days as best I could, baby groups, play groups, the park. You will meet other parents and you may be lucky enough to find other parents who feel the same as you - I did and it helped me to realise I wasn't a bad parent and there wasn't anything wrong with me!
I also did baby cinema at our local art house place which helped me feel like I could still feed my brain a bit. I see now that art galleries, choirs etc are doing sessions for parents with babies. It's always a massive faff to get out of the door with a baby but any chance to get out I took - rather that than sitting alone in my house and playing peepo for the hundredth time no thanks!

Please don't feel bad for not enjoying what you are doing. It really isn't for everyone. When mine were little , maternity leave was 13 weeks and several of my friends went back early and paid for childcare. Some then stopped when the child was a toddler and found that everyone was happier. There is a bit of a narrative that there is a perfect , right way to do things and that any deviation from that path means 'bad mother' and harm to child. This is absolutely not true. You only have to think of past generations or different cultures to see that DC are happy and thrive with all sorts of different upbringings. Do what feels right for you and your family . This could look many different ways. Best of luck.

Personally I am someone who genuinely enjoys motherhood and I think it's simply because I've been a bit lucky with fairly laid-back babies/toddlers and with my health. With the tiredness and exhaustion, it's worth going to your GP for blood tests in case you have any deficiencies, and perhaps just trying some vitamins in case that helps. It's too easy to blame tiredness on lack of sleep but there could be other issues as well. If the sleep is an issue, sleep training has been brilliant for our DD but we didn't manage it at 7m, she was over a year before it really clicked.

I agree with pp about getting out of the house and finding interesting activities to do. We are in London where we have a wealth of options, and I genuinely enjoy taking my dc to different classes and play options. We did one thing every morning at that age, and now dc is 18m we do 2 or more things. I get really stressed with being in the house and feel bored being stuck inside.

At 7 months I used to batch cook so I wouldn't have to cook every day. I'd cook at night when she was sleeping, so I wouldn't have to juggle trying to cook and keep an eye on her. Now mine is older, she just eats what we eat and she is happier amusing herself while I cook (though I still do a lot of prep while she sleeps, like chopping veg etc).

Amazing advice - this is so true!

For the batch cooking, do you then freeze the portions or is it the same meals everyday for a few days?

@longvane @TotalOverhaul @bettynutkins and anyone else saying to get out everyday, how do you make time for house work/cooking?

Thank you to whoever said to outsource as much as possible.We got a cleaner for the first time ever last week and I think we're going to keep them. DH is very supportive, once he's home he's doing the laundry, sterilising and washing bottles, making whatever flat pack furniture we have (we just moved in to our new place a couple of months ago).

i used to be someone who loved going out (we're in London too) but I find it really stressful taking DC out by myself. After reading your posts, I took DC to central London on public transport alone for the first time. Our mission was to just meet DH after work and go for dinner somewhere. We didn't quite make it to his office (sods law a 40min journey took 2 hours because of tube delays) but I am so pleased with myself for doing it.

Well done for getting out! It's lovely to be out and about in town with the dc and it gets easier.

I tend to freeze portions for baby meals as they're small portions. For family meals we just eat the same thing for a few days, as we don't have the freezer space for lots of adult portions.

I use nap time and when baby goes to bed to tackle chores. But admittedly we also lower expectations. For me that's a conscious choice, because I think getting out and doing things is better for baby and me than being stuck at home.

My daughter is 6 months today and if I'm completely honest, I hated the first 3 months. I wanted to scream inside. My lovely life with DH had been completely changed, we couldn't have our lovely loved up weekends, lazy lie ins, even just walk down the town for a drink.

It hit me like a train. I spent the first six weeks in a fog, so depressed I could hardly breathe.

I've had no lightbulb moment where I realised that it was perfect. It's just gradually got a little bit better each week. It's massive hard work, I never get a break or a day off, and I'm constantly worried. But I've accepted it now and I'm working on enjoying it.

I've got some help for my obvious PND and I'm trying to give my daughter the best life possible. All I want is for her to be happy. I just didn't realise what it would do to me.

I may not have another one because I don't know if I could enjoy a pregnancy knowing how much my mental health would plummet as soon as the baby came. I don't want that for her or us.

Not everyone takes to it like a duck to water, and that's okay. She is loved, she is well taken care of, and that's the most important thing ❤️

I adored it (apart from the sleep deprivation lol). It might have helped that I was breastfeeding and the hormones made me so mellow. But my advice is…

Don’t try to achieve anything other than having a happy healthy baby. My house was a tip, did I tidy it? No! If I did one piece of housework eg put a wash on I considered myself a champion. I ate a huge amount of ready meals because chilling with my baby whole watching tv was more important than cooking.

I also followed my instincts. Baby wants to cosleep? Fine, we’ll find a way to do it safely. Baby only wants to nap in the car? Fine, I’ll drive around in circles twice a day to lull her off. Baby wants to spend summer naked? Ok with me 🤷‍♀️ Baby hates playgroups? Ok we’ll do toddler gym or swimming instead.

If someone tells you you’re doing it wrong, avoid them. When you were at school/work, then you had to follow someone else’s rules. When you’re at home, you make the rules. Do whatever you like.

Cook less. Get your DH to do more. Look around - museums, baby groups, walks, whatever for things your kid might like doing as well as you.

I think most people don't enjoy all of it and it's not helpful to think you should be enjoying all of it. Parenting young children is relentless, there's always something to be done and tidied and another meal to prep, washing to be done etc etc. That's before nursery and school and the endless requests for donations, bring a teddy, pj days, non uniform days, world fucking book day.... Obviously there's a lot of fun but I could do without "wear a hat" day next week.

I think you have to find the right balance and all the hacks to make life easier - personally for me, I wouldn't be happy if my house was a tip, I'd be uncomfortable the whole time so we have lots of storage and my girls know to tidy up. I try to save a portion of food and freeze it so I've got a supply ready for busy days. Some days they have salmon and new potatoes and fresh veg, other days they have fish fingers and waffles and beans! I like to get out so go to groups, go on walks, visit playgrounds, the library, meet friends, other people prefer to be at home. DH and I split a weekend lie in, we take it in turns to do bedtimes so we can go out with friends or to exercise. I sort my clothes out before bed so I'm not scrambling around trying to find something. TV is a tool, once they get into it you can use it for a bit of down time and to get things done.

Well done for getting out with baby! What is it you find stressful about going out on your own? Maybe we can give you some tips.

If you've not been able to get out and about much, I think that might really help – you say it's something you used to really enjoy, and having done maternity leave in normal times and maternity leave in lockdown, I found being stuck at home with a baby all the time much harder, even though I'm usually pretty happy with my own company.