Christmas with dad

[Snailtail]

I’m a single mum to a 7yo girl, myself and her dad separated when she was 2yo. He is not very active in her life, aside from seeing her very sporadically he isn’t contributing to her upbringing in any way. However, over last few months I have noticed him making an effort at being more consistent in spending time with her ( coming to pick her up as arranged weekly) and she is happy to go off to spend a night with him. My mum, is active in my daughters upbringing, they spend 8 weeks every summer together and see each other frequently, it’s safe to say my mum plays a large role in my daughter life. Up until this year, my daughter spent every Christmas with me, however her dad asked to have her this Christmas ( he also has a large family, who my daughter loves ), and I agreed. My reasoning behind is as follows - a : it’s good for her to spend time with her dad ( if he is making an effort, I think it’s in her benefit to have him in her life) b : the issues we had are between myself and him and shouldn’t affect her and c: she will definitely have more fun with him this Christmas as it will only be myself and mum on Christmas Day - so I think she will have more fun playing around with kids etc..
However, speaking to my mum this afternoon, she expressed her displeasure and disappointment as she thinks it’s selfish of me to have agreed for her to spend Christmas at her fathers without considering her. She doesn’t think he deserves to have her on such an important day. AIBU? Am I doing the right thing?
Realistically he hasn’t contributed to her in over 6 years, and has been inconsistent- but I can see that he is trying. Am I being too soft?

I think you're doing the right thing. He's making an effort and you DD wants to go. Is he having her fir the full day?

Of course she should have a Christmas with her dad. This isn't about what the adults want/need/deserve...it's about what your daughter deserves. Which is an opportunity to have some christmas memories with her dad.

I think you've made a good choice, but I also wouldn't mention it again to your daughter in case this is a temporary change from him. I also see it from your mums side, which is he's done bugger all for 7 years and to accomodate him now with very little proof he's actually changed is disappointing to her.

Quietly think to yourself: how dare she, it's not her child and she is not the parent who gets to make these decisions. You are. The fact she has 8 week holidays with DD does not make her the parent! And right now she's treating you like a small child who doesn't know what she is doing. (History, right? My dad does it to me, mansplaining as if he's talking to a 12yo.)

Then politely pick up the phone. "He's her father, he isn't perfect, but I'm not sending her there as a reward to him. I think it's important she spends time with him too. This isn't about you, Mum, and it isn't about me. I am choosing what I think is right for her. You and I will just have to learn to cope with that."

Then ask her for ideas on how you three can spend YOUR special "Christmas" with DD. Kids certainly do not suffer from being fussed over for two special days instead of one! And you can absolutely do matching PJs, board games, Christmas movies and cracker hats on a day that isn't the 25th. I don't see why she should find it horrendous to do it all on the 24th or 26th.

You've done the right thing and you sound like an amazing mum who does everything possible for your daughter even when it's the hard thing for you

She may be an amazing grandmother, but her being a grandmother is solely dependent on you being the mother.

You have made a difficult decision FOR YOUR DD in allowing her to spend Christmas with her father. You have not put yourself first, you put your DD first. So why in hell would you contemplate putting your mother above your DD?

And how selfish of your mother to not be able to think about what is best for her DGD!