When your ex bad mouths you to your child how do you respond?

[Charlie90123]

My child's father is quite childish I have no issue and I'm unsure why he does. He refuses to speak to me and enlists a third party for communication still after 4 years divorced. I find it all very petty but I just mind my own business and try to have as little to do with him as possible.

This has previously happened many times over the years and I find it happens in waves, the last few times my son has returned home from dads he's told me things his dad has said about me for example 'dad said your dog bit him' or 'dad said you threw away my favourite toy when I was younger because you didn't like it' non of this is true he's never even seen my dog and it's upsetting me. I feel my son can sense my frustration when he tells me what's been said and the odd time I have reacted and said something like 'why on earth would he tell you these lies just to upset you?' My son then just feels stuck in the middle and gets upset saying why can't you both get on. I hate it so much because then I feel like we're both 50/50 at fault when I never say an unkind word. I get messed around with him changing or cancelling his days/times with our son. I get demands barked through third parties with 0 respect. No help when it comes to school holidays meaning I use up all my annual leave. Clothes / school items are never returned yet I just grit my teeth and fork out for replacements and still always respond in a polite manner and never mention anything in-front of our son. It feels as though he's out to try and bring me down. So any advice on how to handle this would be appreciated. I try to not let my emotions show but sometimes when it comes out of the blue and it's yet again another lie it's so hard to stay calm and say 'oh that's not true just ignore him.' Angers me even more the fact he's just been off school for 2 weeks and has only spent one day of that with his dad as he would never take annual leave for childcare.

Also to add I never ask my son what his dad has said I make a point of not asking anything about his time their other than 'did you have a nice time?' purely to stop him feeling in the middle.

It’s not surprising that you feel like he’s out to bring you down. He is.

Pathetic man using his child as a pawn.

Your son will understand this as he gets older. You are doing the right thing.

I understand you're frustration all to well, but you already know the answer. You have to keep saying things like, "don't worry Dad just makes those comments when he's frustrated", "you don't need to worry about that", "don't worry Dad just says things like that". It's what your DS needs to not feel caught in the middle. It feels bloody unfair and you won't always give the right answer, because you're human, all you can do is your hest. I try to focus on what my DC need and that responding the right way can reduce some of the harm their Dad is doing to them.

XH was once again telling our DC how unfair it was he doesn't get 50/50 this weekend, then texted to say he can only do 1 of the 2 nights he's supposed to have them this week. I fully expect he'll spend the one night he has them telling them again how unfair it is he doesn't have them more. Of the 8 nights he's supposed to have had them over the last four weeks he's cancelled 2, and despite saying he can finish early the days he has DC he never does and just WFH and leaves them on tablets all evening. He can't manage 2 nights a week, yet I'm apparently the only thing getting in the way of him being a good involved father with 50/50 care of our DC.

A friend did successfully send her XH an email telling him to stop saying things like this because it's harming the DC, but I expect if that would work you'd have done it already.