Only child feeling guilty we don't want more kids

[Yorkshiremummy2023]

Hi I'm feeling guilty that my partner and I have decided not to have any more children.
I had a difficult time getting pregnant and went though 4 miscarriages before getting pregnant, I underactive thyroid and following testing by a specialist consultant it became apparent that it could be preventing me from having a successful pregnancy. They changed my meds and like a miracle we got pregnant with my first son. We we're so grateful and happy to the NHS. However then due to a birth that went as wrong as it could do and was very traumatic he died 23hrs later. Which devastated usand still had a big impact on our life. He was a perfectly we were destroyed. I truely believed we had lost our chance to have a baby of our own but by some miracle I got pregnant again with my second son and he is a perfectly healthy boy and loved unconditionally. We have however decided not to try again given what we've been through but lately I've had some real guilt over the decision our little boy loves babies and I know would love a sibling but I just don't think I could take going back to all that again as I could have died the day my son died and I don't want to leave my other son without his mum. It's just hard because people as in convo like you know hair dresser or whatever is he our only one, aren't we having more.. but just can't go into all this story. I never know what.to say but it's very triggering to the guilt of not giving him a sibling. But we love him endlessly. Any advice how to look at this differently and stop feeling guilty would be appreciated.

You’ve been through so much that it’s hardly surprising you feel like this. There is nothing wrong with having just one child. There are lots of advantages especially financial and emotional. My best friend from age 4 is an only child and her parents were really great. There were always loads of us at their house and when I was 12 they took me on holidays with them. Your child won’t be alone or lonely. I have three and I just feel like I don’t have enough time or money for them all. You always feel guilty in some way as a parent but you don’t need to honestly.

Tell your hairdresser to fuck off. You know you’re making the right decision.

💐

It's a completely reasonable decision and your child will be fine. Ds is 19 now and there were times at primary school when the decision to stop at 1 seemed wrong, but overall it's worked out fine. Ds is happy with lots of lifelong friends. Dh was too ill for us to have another and he did die in fact a few years ago.

Those conversations can be hard but the fact is you do not have to share a single thing you don't want to. Things I have done are; just turn the conversation back to them 'oh are you having lots yourself?' (Mostly people just want to talk about themselves) or i just change the subject really obviously 'Yup, long story. So have you got plans for Christmas?' or I just say 'Well I won't give you all the distressing details but ds was a bit of a miracle' and stop there.

Sorry you’ve been through so much. I am an only child and often comment on these types of threads because I had such a wonderful full childhood! It also meant that I could follow my own interests, i still had a full social life full of friends and family. I managed to get on the property ladder early as my parents were able to help me financially in a way they may not have been able to if I had siblings. Also meant my parents have/had successful and affluent careers and I grew up in a beautiful house in a beautiful area etc

I am only child with an only child. I wanted siblings, my child wanted them too and I wanted more children, but for various reasons it did not happen.

I agree with @PermanentTemporary , those conversations are common in primary school, but later they peter out. It doesn't matter. Just because two children is the norm, it doesn't mean having an only is strange.
You are not guaranteed two children who get along. Or, if they get along as children, they might not be close as adults. My husband has two brothers and very different relationships with each.

As for my daughter, she's a very social teen, was a very social child. She's not missing out on the social aspect. And, both my DH and I moved from our countries of origin so, if she had cousins on my side, she would not see them much anyway.

So sorry you have been through such heartbreaking times. Your DS will have as a happy a life as an only child as if he’d had siblings. We have DT’s but our plan had been to have only one. Many families, for different reasons, are now only having one child

You have made the right decision.

Thank you everyone for the advice and for sharing some of your experiences on this. Our son is 3.5 now and these questions come up more frequently. Our son is a happy loving and social little boy, i keep reminding myself he is far more social then I was at his age with 2 siblings. I just followed them around but he's happy to go up to kids at the park and make friends on his own accord and we have made lots of memories together as a family. I know deep down it's the right, I think I'm still carrying a lot of body shame and guilt that I couldn't give my partner more children and that I couldn't give my son a sibling. All those things your supposed to be able to do as a woman (unless you choose not to which is fine too) but it's just been so hard the realities of what we've walked through. It feels like an out of body experience looking back at it all like I should be reading this in a magazine article not this be what's happened to us Our life. I feel like maybe if we try again it will help somehow at least we won't have these questions to fend off and triggering us all the time. if it all worked out okay it would be great but it's such a big risk and I think I'm wrong to feel like this but it's all just been such a lot and so emotive for us

Have you had any counselling to deal with the trauma, bereavement and loss you experienced? I think that is understandably strongly colouring your feelings towards your child being an only. I am lay in bed at the moment with my only, she is gregarious, funny, sociable and basically a dreamboat of a kid. Our lives are so much easier than the friends who have 2 or more children and I think this plays out in our parenting of her, we are less stressed, more patient, more available. I am able to have a career and life without too many sacrifices. There are many positives to having an only just as there are to having more than one. None of this will likely really resonate for you though until you have the time and support to process your experiences.

I think your child will be absolutely fine as an only child. My children are friends with lots of extremely happy, loved and well adjusted only children. It's really very common these days to be an only child and I know about as many families who are one and done as I do with siblings. In my experience the onlies we know are just as gregarious and have as many friends as those with siblings.

All of that said, I can't help but read into your posts your perception that there is a high risk in attempting to have another child. If this is the only barrier to having another wanted baby I just think it's really important to check that your perception of the risks is true. If your thyroid disease is being treated you may no longer be at an increased risk of miscarriage and having had one safe delivery it may be possible to plan another one without particularly heightened risks (obviously this is very dependent or your individual history).

Have you had professional counselling / debriefing? You don't have to do anything that you don't want to, but the opportunity to discuss these things with an obstetrician is something that should be made available to you.

Please do forgive me if I have missed the mark. It's completely okay to only want to have one child and it doesn't make you a failure in any sense. I'm so sorry for your losses. X

Hi is not a percepted risk sadly there is a high risk of it going wrong if I was to get pregnant again, the pregnancy would be classified as that again and there is nothing anyone can do about that. I would be under a consultant for the full term of the pregnancy but that also doesn't prevent it from going wrong it just reduces the risk that it will. Not only that there would still be higher then average chance I have further miscarriages it may be that my meds for underactive thyroid need to be increased even further to get through the whole pregnancy but that may not be realised till I have a further miscarriage and then these have to checked throughout the pregnancy also to ensure get through successfully. So it literally would be a gamble as the odds will be stacked against us. Yes I've had counselling following our sons death, but I wouldn't wish the pain on anyone. A counsellor can't take that away they just help you work out a way forward to cope living with the pain that's all. The grief and pain is still there, but we did go on to have our son who's here now so without the counselling we may never have been able to do that.
Thanks all for your responses it's helped to let out some of how I'm feeling to peeps not involved and hear your advice. Appreciate it x

Hi OP. I totally understand where you are coming from and I'm so sorry about your losses.
I had my son following the loss of 4 pregnancies. His delivery was very difficult and it's a miracle he survived. But he did and he's now a healthy 4 year old. The complications I had with him will reoccur in another pregnancy but I'm very aware may not have a positive outcome. Add to that all the emotional turmoil we've been through, I just can't face having another. It's too risky in general but I know I'm no longer strong enough to cope with any further losses.
I feel guilty about it all the time. I have siblings that I'm so close to and just never imagined having an only. But, my son has fulfilled me in so many ways and I feel so content. Even if someone could wave a magic wand and guarantee me a safe pregnancy and healthy baby I wouldn't do it now. I'm at peace with the decision but feel sad for my son that he won't experience a sibling bond.
If anyone asks if I'm having more, depending on the situation, I either laugh and say 'no chance' which is usually met with a laugh and move on. Or, I'll say 'we had a hard road and just appreciate the miracle we have'.
I think people ask more just now because he's of an age when people would consider another. And I'm not getting any younger.
I hope you can find peace OP

My apologies, just wanted to check and you don't have to justify any of it ♥️ you are actually such a SUCCESS for coming through all of the hardship you've faced.

I'm sure your little boy will be absolutely fine just like all the other lovely happy only children that I personally know!