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Parenting

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Original poster

43 with 3 toddlers

18 replies

My3Blessingz · 05/11/2023 05:19

Hi, I'm 43yrs with a 5yrs old and 3yrs old twins. We planned our 5yr old and the twins came after a miscarriage unplanned. I was very sad about not knowing I was pregnant than to find out I was pregnant and miscarriaging was depressing. I've always been very independent, but now I'm a stay home mom. I'm struggling with day in and day out waiting on everyone in the house, maintaining the house and it's depressing and stressful. I keep thinking about how my life use to be in comparison to now. I feel bad that almost want to say regretful that I got pregnant a second time. This saddens ne because mothering I thought was happy. I love my kids so much, but they really stresses me out they don't listen and they know how they hurt me. I dont know how I'm going to make it. I feel like I'm doing time.....We have so far to go. Is anyone going through this or been through this? Help

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Wallywobbles · 05/11/2023 05:31

It is hard. But does being a stay at home mum suit you? I couldn't have done it. I'm sure money comes into it for you. But if there's anyway you can work it might help. Don't think of it as work plus kids because the kids mess wouldn't be yours in the day.

Mariposista · 05/11/2023 05:44

Go back to work

DustyLee123 · 05/11/2023 06:43

The obvious answer is to go back to work, but childcare cost may prevent that.
You need to see your time at home as a job that you are doing, and remember that it won’t last forever.
I found getting out somewhere every day was key, even if it was just to the shops. And get them in some childcare to give you time off.

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TookTheBook · 05/11/2023 07:12

It does get easier! I had a friend in your position and do not underestimate how much harder it is having twins than singles - don't compare yourself to others with kids at your age who aren't twins! I agree about finding a way to go back to work soon if you can (15/30 hours childcare eligibility?) but also get support and friendship everywhere you can, don't suffer in silence. It's natural to find this stage hard and it will get easier as they get older

susiedaisy1912 · 05/11/2023 07:23

Can you afford a cleaner or nursery for the children so that you get chance to do something for yourself? Could you return to work for a day or two?

ThatsGoingToHurt · 05/11/2023 07:42

When do the twins qualify for the 15 hours funding?. It’s normally the term after they turn 3. If they go to nursery or pre-school this will give you a bit of breathing space to think about what you want to do next.

RedCoffeeCup · 05/11/2023 07:45

Could you consider going back to work? Being a SAHM isn't for everyone.

TinyTeacher · 05/11/2023 08:42

Twins are HARD. Mine are also 3. Honestly they can push me to the brink sometimes!

I assume the 5 year old goes to school. Do the twins have any childcare? any plans to do so?

lizzy8230 · 05/11/2023 08:52

I guess the twins qualify for 15 hours free nursery? That should help make it affordable for you to work.

Reading between the lines I'm thinking you returned to work after your maternity leave after dc1, and you say you never planned on more children, so it must be a challenge that life has taken a different turn for you. But honestly I would get back to work and regain some of that independence you clearly miss. It won't be long before all the children are in school anyway.

Much as I love my kids, I also valued my career and the different stimulation it gave me- I continued working with 3 young children and this was back in the day before any free hours. For several years our childcare cost the same as my take home pay every month! But it was worth it because of all the other advantages of remaining in the workplace.

It's also much easier to not let all the housework, cooking etc not fall on you when both parents work; it's very easy to fall into the trap that if you're a SAHP you get landed with all the domestic stuff as well.

LovelyDaaling · 05/11/2023 09:14

I gave up work at 36 when I had my first child. The second came along two years later. It felt like I had lost my identity, my status almost, when people asked what I did- I used to be a manager in a national company. After children, I was a someone's mother, someone's wife. I wasn't me anymore.
When you are a SAHM, time for you as an individual falls by the wayside. Husband comes home, may make arrangements to be out that evening- just announces it and swans off. No thoughts about childcare- you'll be there to cover that. You, however, plan everything to the nth degree so you can have a couple of hours of free time. You are working far more hours in the home than he does at work. It's very hard.

In my experience, it was far easier working full time than raising the kids. Given the chance to do it all again, I'd think seriously about being a SAHM.

lizzy8230 · 05/11/2023 09:33

That's interesting @LovelyDaaling. IME it certainly wasn't easier working than being a SAHM. Certainly by the time we had 3 small children it was very tempting to give up my job, partly because as I said, the childcare bill equalled my take home pay each month, so at the time, we didn't feel any financial benefit to me working. That's really tough. It's also far harder to get a baby and young children up, fed, dressed and out to childcare in the morning than being able to do it at a slower pace.

I'm just pointing that out because I think these are exactly the reasons many women give up work - they feel it's not worth it financially, or the logistics of managing being a mum and working seem overwhelming- certainly if you have more than one child. It's hard to think long term and fully appreciate the benefits of remaining in work. I do think a lot of women feel as you do further down the line @LovelyDaaling - they realise there are benefits to remaining in work and also that becoming the SAHP means an awful lot of the drudgery can fall to you by default.

likone · 05/11/2023 10:21

I have a 6 and 3 year old and I'm 44 so am in a similar position. My youngest is in nursery on weekday mornings and that has made life far easier - I have time to sort housework, run errands without the dc in tow and meal prep without them under my feet. Are your twins in nursery yet? Also look out for other ad-hoc childcare, I'd do various courses at my local children's centres just because they offered a free creche (on topics like healthy eating which I didn't really need to learn). I also used the creche at my leisure centre which was very affordable.

I wouldn't find it easier to be back at work as I'd have to spend any child-free time at work so it would still be hard keeping on top of the house. Plus I'd have to pay for childcare throughout the school holidays and not have as much time for fun activities through the summer. But it's important to do the sums for you as I expect childcare for twins would be expensive.

At our age, look into any medical issues that might be making it harder to cope - perimenopause, thyroid issues, low iron, antidepressants.

Original poster

My3Blessingz · 07/11/2023 21:01

Thank you. I'm looking forward to it.

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Original poster

My3Blessingz · 22/02/2024 14:53

Hey,
Thanks my 5yr(6yr on Mar) is in scjool and my twins are in daycare. I have that time to cook, clean, grocery shop, have lunch or go shopping. I just always feel in a rush and when I pick them they are being kids (fussing, fighting, asking for everything, running around, banging, screaming and not listening to me hardly at all). I step away if needed, try to speak calmly to them, or take things away but they take it up a noch then I'm yelling. You are right maybe I need to ask my doctor is there something he can prescribe to help me cope with stress. I'm also a retired veteran so I'm already dealing with mental health issues. I never imagined being a mum would be this hard.

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Original poster

My3Blessingz · 22/02/2024 15:04

Hi,
You are right. I went back to work after baby#1. Things were great considering. Also yes I get stuck with doing it all plus the kid stuff bathing, feeding, dressing. I'm just so overwhelmed with SAHM stuff it's hard to think straight when I have along time. Thanks for your comments.

OP posts:

Original poster

My3Blessingz · 22/02/2024 15:09

Fact. I thought it was just me. I completely feel like it's no me anymore. Everybody wants mommy and mommy has to take care of everyone. Well good luck to you as well. We will survive this.

OP posts:

Obeast · 22/02/2024 15:49

You need to tag or quote whoever you're replying to.
Sounds like you're American, so no free hours, but your kids are all in school and daycare and you have hours each day without kids :)

Unabletomitigate · 22/02/2024 17:19

First, you deserve a round of applause. Well done you.

And if you have time read this book, Feminism against Progress, by Mary Harrington. Your kids needs you, but society tells you need to do all this other crap. It is not wrong to stay home and take care of your family. BUt yes, it can suck.

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