Hi,
I'm not really sure where the right place to put this is, but here we go. A bit of a stream of consciousness but I don't really have anyone to talk to about all this.
I am blessed with two beautiful children, aged 5 and 3. Over the last year, I have had one early loss in February, followed by an ectopic with tube removal in August and now I'm pretty sure I'm going through another ectopic... Just waiting for confirmation. If it is another ectopic then I may lose my other tube and even if it I don't lose my tube then I would be extremely high risk for another repeat if I were to fall pregnant again, which is a scary prospect.
Growing up then my parents had a very difficult relationship (eventually divorced when I was a teenager but were only miserable together), worked lots and weren't involved, and my sister and I never got up. It kind of showed me the things I didn't want for my own family. When I met my husband, I loved his warm family set up straight away... He had two brothers, close family and a house full of life. This is what I wanted for my family too. I know I'm lucky with what I have and I am beyond grateful, now more than ever, but it's so sad how this year has gone.
With every milestone my children have then I feel a happiness but now also a great sadness. I love their littleness so much. I can't bear them growing up. And now knowing I will never have another one, will never experience these things again, alongside the grief of the losses, is overwhelming me.
I don't know. It's just a lot of grief.
Has anybody successfully made peace with not having another child?
Or felt this way as their children grow up?