Struggling with 4yo behaviour

[Badatthis]

My DS is 4, not yet at school and we are struggling with how to manage his behaviour. He is screaming and shouting at me many times a day, has regular meltdowns in public, refuses to do as we ask whatever it is.

Today I've already had him shouting in my face and pushing me because I asked him to put his shoes on. He was playing with some toys, he'd been doing that for 20 mins and I said (for the 5th time) we needed to have shoes on so let's do that now. He gets up, screams in my face "NO I DON'T WANT TO, I HATE YOU I HATE YOU" and pushes me. Then it's full meltdown screaming tears.

With my dd we used fairly gentle parenting, get down on their level, eye contact, explain clearly why we need to do this and that he can continue playing when he has shoes on etc etc. But he's screaming so loudly at me without pause that I can't get a word in, he can't hear anything i'm saying. So I put my hands on his shoulders to try and get him to focus (in a light hug) and he recoils backwards shouting "YOU HURT ME I HATE YOU" and on it goes.

this is just one example, it can be about anything that involves us asking him to do something. We've tried letting him have his tantrum but that can go on for 30 mins and when we need to get out of the door it's not possible.

Of course nursery say he's the best behaved child and is lovely and chatty but I'm just not seeing it, all I get is shouting in my face. He did it to me at a party last weekend and the other parents were visibly shocked at his behaviour towards me. I'm just at a loss as to what to do.

Are there any consequences when he behaves like this? Has he been used to getting his own way a lot? Most DC understand consequences at this age. I would probably pay for professional guidance and strategies if all else has failed. Has it though?

Clearly it needs investigating if it continues because how are you going to get him to school? No toys around before school? Other parents are easily shocked but if you are, and cannot stop this, then seek help. You need to get to the bottom of why this behaviour is reserved for you.

Also does he know you are upset? Do
you tell him? Or do you keep being calm and gentle? How does he respond to being told he’s upset you? Does he care? What do nursery observe about his empathy with other dc? Does he have concern for them? I would make it perfectly clear you are upset by his behaviour and make it clear you will not tolerate it (you absolutely should not). Make it clear what the consequences of screaming in your face will be. And stick to it. I’m sure others will disagree but if you have tried other strategies I would be much more explicit about my feelings. At 4 he does know how to behave elsewhere. What does his dad think? Work together on this.

I find consequences very difficult because with dd we did 'time ins' which worked brilliantly. They don't at all because he literally can't hear me have a gentle chat.

I also cannot do time outs because he won't do as I ask "go and sit on the step/mat" and I can't physically lift him (in disabled).

He doesn't really care if we say we will take x away. He responds well to positive reinforcement (if we walk nicely to nursery you will get a sticker) but it only works for 2 days before he ups the game and is demanding a £50 toy (which we don't get him of course!)

I show him I'm upset, often I genuinely do cry as it's horrible and I walk away and hide upstairs for a bit. Dh is supportive also steps in and says it's not good, you've been mean to mummy, and we don't shout etc.

He can be apologetic, very sweet and can come for a cuddle later and say he's really sorry. Nursery say he's caring, sweet, polite.

We've noticed his main issue is interruption. If we interrupt him speaking or don't acknowledge exactly what he's said (by repeating it back exactly, you cannot just say 'oh yeah') or interrupting any game or activity he's decided then this is when we get the worst behaviour.