DS (nearly 3) blanking me

[Summermeadowflowers]

I’m sure this is fairly normal but I have to admit it’s getting me down a bit as I feel I’m constantly trying to talk nicely and reasonably to DS and get nothing back. So for instance, if I ask him if he wants a drink … do you want jan or peanut butter on your toast … do you want to go on the play area? It’s like no one has spoken.

I know it’s projection on my part but it does really bother me as it feels so rude and also because if he won’t communicate half the time I don’t know what he wants!

Sorry to ask the obvious but have you checked hearing? Glue ear?

Oh it isn’t that - although we have had ear problems but he can hear a crisp packet open from several yards away, can talk to you fine when he wants to. It’s definitely chosen behaviour.

Say mildly to your DH/cat/houseplant/yourself, but definitely not your DS “Oh dear, what a shame. DS doesn’t seem to be able to hear me. If he doesn’t answer he’ll just be getting dry toast/we’ll have to go home. Oh well, let’s hope his ears start working soon. He won’t be able to hear [insert favourite TV show]/[Granny on the phone later].”

Tedious and really annoying, but FOMO is a big motivator of small people in my experience.

My son (now 5) does this. I used to get frustrated but now just see it as him taking his time to process things. I would recommend making the decision for him or adding “perhaps you’ll let me know when you are ready”. My son’s Kindergarten teacher gave me this tip and it has helped a lot.

That’s a good tip, I’ll try it. Currently being blanked in the middle of a muddy playground - joy!

Both my DS did this. For them, they weren't ignoring me, they just weren't registering that I was talking to them. Especially if there's a lot of background noise or a lot of stuff going on - they'd never hear me in a busy playground!

Try getting their attention first by just calling their name and getting them to stop whatever they're doing. Then tell them what you want in as simple terms as possible. I also would give them a bit of takeup time. Eg 'ok DS, we're going home in five/ten minutes'. It helps them prepare mentally for the transition.

Yes but he also does it at home @WhatIsGinLiqueurAnyway with no other distractions. It’s frustrating but probably a ‘thing’ - another one! 😅

Me - DC names!
DC - yes mummy
Me - I'm making sandwiches for lunch. What do you want in yours?
DC - choosing to ignore me
Me - repeat question
DC - distracted by literally nothing
Me - serving them plain bread and having a chocolate bar
DC - suddenly capable of paying attention perfectly

Does he care if he has jam or peanut butter on his toast? My 3 year old only does this when he doesn't care about what I'm saying. Do you want to go on the slide for example would likely be ignored because he doesn't like slides.

I would either choose for him or give him plain toast and put the jam and peanut butter on the table in front of him. Then he can tell you which he wants or can eat it plain. Presumably he can tell you if he wants a drink? Just offer him a drink with meals and leave him a bottle of water out on the table the rest of the time.

I would make sure you have their attention, ask the question, internally count to 10 then if no answer say "okay jam sandwich then" or "okay maybe we'll go play after lunch" etc etc.

It could be them just taking a while to process, or truly not care about the choice / want to make a decision.

My DS, also almost 3, does this too and it is infuriating 🤪 some helpful things I’ve learnt to cope -

1. Auditory processing develops over childhood and isn’t at adult level until 12-15, so they literally aren’t hearing us the same way. It’s why they often will say ‘what’ before answering, or need something repeating.
2. Get their attention fully before speaking rather than talking across a room, especially if they’re engrossed in something. So go over, get eye level, touch their arm and make sure you’ve got their attention and then speak.
3. A sing song tone to sentences can help (though tbh I almost always forget to do this) as can shorter/clearer sentences. Make it easy for them.

and sometimes they’re just being irritating, so deep breaths and a moment to decide how urgent whatever it is actually is

@hopelessreminders - I mean, I was giving examples. I’m sure some things don’t matter but going about my day not asking him just giving him isn’t cited as great either.

@BuffaloCauliflower thanks. I think the problem is getting his attention - he just ignores me. I swear I am white noise at times!

Is there any else that could test his hearing? My mum had similar with me when I was about 7. I ignored her if she spoke to me but responded to other noises and if she was face to face with me. She got the head teacher to speak to me and he found that I couldn't hear him if he wasn't facing him. A trip to the practice nurse and having my ears syringed and I went back normal levels of ignoring her!

Yep I hear you loud and clear.
I work around this in 2 ways, one is saying what I need to say (down at his level) and then giving him the responses eg "you can say yes I'd like butter, or no thanks" which often helps.
The other option is not relying on their response ( in the vein of you can control yourself but not other people)
So like above the let me know when you want x, or if you want x then say y, or even just saying x is available for the next 10 seconds if you want it.
Giving that time and space to think it's essential for young children as they're likely to have a lot of competing information that they are trying to process.
And the final thing is just get on with your day. If your child wets themselves then ok fresh clothes it is, if they skip a meal then snack time it's the next opportunity, etc. You just have to be confident in your boundaries.
And sometimes they can talk about it later eg bed time chat, I've learnt things like he talks quietly even he's sad, or maybe not at all, or he doesn't reply if what he wants isn't one of the options etc
Often we just want kids to understand but they just want us to understand them at the same time.
Good luck!