Son not settling at nursery

[hsjr89]

I really need some advice as it’s starting to worry me!

My eldest son turned 3 back in July, and started nursery at the beginning of September when he was eligible for his funding.
He’d previously been to a childminder one day a week, and at my Mums the other day I worked, so he wasn’t a stranger to being in childcare.
We looked round lots of nurseries and fell in love with the one that was (conveniently) right behind our house. It had a great ofsted report and amazing facilities and we really got a feel for it (and so did he, as he had a tantrum and didn’t want to leave after the tour).

Fast forward to August and he had a few settling in sessions. Initially he was fine and was happily playing while I sat down and filled in some forms with the room manager.
Then I left him for an hour and went home.
When I returned to collect him, he cried his eyes out. The next settling in session was very difficult as he knew I was going to leave and he cried again.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, he has now been there for 2 months and still gets upset at drop off and pick up.
Apparently he’s absolutely fine when he’s there, but he has had days where he’s had multiple wee accidents (which he never does at home!), and it just concerns me that he’s still very overwhelmed and upset when I arrive to collect him, as I thought he would have been ok by now. None of his friends seem to have been through this (not for this long anyway), so I’m wondering whether there’s an underlying issue?

He does mention the nursery teachers when he’s at home, and will say things like ‘I’m going to tell them about this or that’.
But then he also wakes up every day and asks if he’s going to nursery that day. And if it’s a nursery day and I tell him he does have nursery today, he will get upset and say he doesn’t want to go to nursery.

He does 2 full days a week, just for reference.

He also worryingly said to me one night when I was putting him to bed that he wants his nursery to fall down.
He then said to his Dad last night at bedtime that he wants his nursery to fall down and crush all the teachers.
This is obviously an extremely alarming thing for a 3 year old to be saying, and we never speak like that at home so I have no idea where that’s come from!

Sorry for the really long winded post, but my question is, should I be worried about him saying something so awful at his age? How do I even deal with that?
And also, would you be looking for another nursery after 2 months of them not settling, even though he starts school in September and moving nurseries for such a short period of time will be more unsettling for him?

I just don’t know what to do for the best. I work part time so he has to go to nursery.
If you’ve read this far, thank you! X

If he genuinely is fine when he’s there, and that’s not just a generic comment from nursery, then it sounds like a separation thing and that another nursery might not be any different. I also wouldn’t read into the wee accidents. It’s very common, they get absorbed in playing and don’t want to miss out. What helped with my DS was that nursery would put whatever he was playing with aside for him, so no worry that someone else would pick up that car or whatever whilst he was in the loo, and being taken regularly when another DC was going!

Also, 2 months isn’t very long when he only goes 2 days a week- he’s probably done about the equivalent number of days that a full timer would do in 3 weeks. Less if he’s missed any due to illness or holiday. And if you had a DC attending 5 days a week that wasn’t settling after 3 weeks the response would probably be ‘it hasn’t even been a month, give it time’! So there’s that. Especially as he hasn’t really been in a childcare before. I wouldn’t count the childminder as it’s a home environment with a small number of kids of varying ages and just isn’t comparable to a busy nursery class of all 3-4YOs. If funds permit it might be worth thinking about adding an extra day as going more frequently might actually help.

My DD has recently turned 4. Attends nursery 3 days a week, same nursery since she was 2. Still gets upset when it's nursery days and wants to stay at home with me. We still have tears on drop off maybe once a week? She loves it once I have left and the staff say she is absolutely fine, happy and settled. She would just rather be with me. I wouldn't pay too much attention to the crushing thing. On holiday my daughter saw some people coming towards us and said 'I'm glad they haven't got any children with them because if they did I'd have to SMASH them until they died!'. We have never had a single behavioural concern expressed to me by nursery. If you trust the nursery staff, believe them if they say he is settled and ok in the day.

Some children are just more sensitive than others, I don't really have much advice as it's hard for everyone.
The only thing I would say is that as you can see the separation and reunion are the hard parts, so try to see it from their side as best you can, and maybe allocate some time in your schedule.
As parents we like to be efficient but it's a big flood of emotion for a child especially on pickup. Our pre school has a bench outside so we always have 10 minutes there before setting off home. All the other kids disappear happily with their parents, but I know that the 10 minutes is important for us.
Good luck.

OP could he increase his days, (or even attend three shorter days?) As a nursery manager I find children settle quicker when they attend more days each week. Your DC is at home five days of the week, therefore that long gap is always going to make returning to nursery for the two days harder. I do understand that financially that may be tricky but it may be worth thinking about. Good luck.

3,5 year old, been in nursery for 2 years and still cries every.single.morning - and it's his second nursery as well, so even the swap didn't make a difference. He talks about nursery and the workers with affection, excited to show us what he learns but every single bloody morning is an absolute hassle and nightmare, procrastination, delay tactic and TEARS. It's just one of those things that you might have to get used to. if he's genuinely settled during the day, learns things, engages with kids and teachers, he should be fine.

Just wondering if he knows that you're not home on those days? If my DS was ever reluctant to go to preschool he found it easier if he realised that I wasn't at home anyway and he couldn't come with me.

Thank you everyone for your replies, that’s really reassuring that I’m not alone in this.

I can definitely look at adding an extra morning per week.

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto with regards to him knowing I’m not at home, it’s a difficult one as I work night shifts in a hospital so he knows I’ve been at work all night and will be sleeping at home during the day. But maybe I can wing it and tell him I’m going back to work? 😂

Check properly that he's ok once you leave - ask more than one staff member and ask what he says/does and how he behaves during the day. My DD did this exact thing with incandescent screaming, blood-curdling snotty meltdowns every time I said goodbye, but after the car was out of sight she would wipe her face and get on with the day and really be perfectly fine.

Turns out she was just in a pattern and stuck there. Our plan of attack was coordinated and I am not ashamed to say it, we manipulated her.

We would go in, say hello to everyone, DD was fine at this point of course, then I would stop and have a loud "grownup" conversation with the teachers where all of us would very pointedly talk about stuff that grown up big girls do. How they certainly don't yell when their mummies leave, and yes how fantastic this was and very grown up, those children are nearly big enough for big school! Oh those grown up girls are really fantastic, did you know they just say "Bye, Mummy!" and wave, and then they walk over to choose a book to read, oh it's so grown up. Just imagine, soon they're not going to have baby bowls and spoons, wow, they'll be big enough for big school soon and have proper metal forks and lunch boxes. Oh yes it's all so very grown up, they don't cry like the baby kids do when the mummies leave. Ignoring my DD completely and who certainly heard and paid attention to every single word.

Conversation finished, I kissed DD and gave her a cuddle, and said ok, I'm going now, bye darling! and I turned around and left quickly without looking back. Favourite teacher was prepared and said, BYE MUMMY! and took DD by the hand, babbling about choosing the favourite book and how she's so grown up. The next few days, DD clued in when this was going to happen and tried running back to the door to see me and have a yell, but I didn't turn around, I just legged it, and a week later we were sorted.

No promises - but see if they'd be on board if you have the kind of kid who'd fall for this trick!

Gosh frooty that sounds awful but do what you need to do!