Mum guilt working full time

[bakingmummy21]

Just seeking advice really. I have 3 DC and since going back to work after my first I have worked 4 days a week spending 1 day with the DC. Earlier this year DH got made redundant. After 6 months and no job we agreed I would ask my work if I could go back to full time to help financially. I gave them 2 months notice to do this after the summer and they were very flexible and agreed. At the end of august DH got offered a job to start pretty much immediately, coinciding with my increase to 5 days.
At the moment we’re muddling through on the one day we have no childcare but it’s not feasible long term. I quite enjoy my job and have started to explore additional childcare for the missing day but I feel so guilty!! Oldest DC is in school so it won’t impact her. I usually spend my day off with DCs aged 3 and 1.
My job offers lots of flexibility so I am lucky to be able to do the school activities like nativity and the kids don’t always need to do breakfast club or after school.
I feel like I’m mentally struggling to adjust to the idea of my kids being full time in nursery and pre-school but lots of parents do it so it’s not like it’s unusual right?!
My work had said I can request to go back to part time but I feel it’s taking the p a bit to ask so soon after making the change, and I can’t deny it’s good to have a bit of extra money coming in….

Hi, just reading this this morning because I'm also struggling with guilt, I only have a 1.5 year old but I run my own small business so I had to go back to work fairly soon after birth. But I could be flexible as I work for myself so I took my DC to work sometimes and he seemed to enjoy all the attention. But now that he's running around I haven't been able to bring him in and he's home 3 days a week with his dad and has just started nursery one day to give his dad a break. I see him every day and spend quality time with him and feel good about that because he is very happy.

I think because he has equal attention from both parents he seems really confident, and he loves nursery. That gives him a sense of community I think. Nursery wasn't just a decision to help our working week, it also has really helped our DC to grow and develop. He really loves it.

I still feel guilty though. And I feel guilty about working eventhough our DC is really happy and well adjusted. I think it's more to do with societal pressures which do actually exist. They're just very subtle, and can come in the form of a judgemental smirk upon telling someone your child is at home with dad, or at nursery. Some people just have a chip on their shoulders. So I'd say, trying to deal with what others think is number one on the list, and then asking yourself the questions: is it really my thoughts or is it because I feel I should be doing something else based on some external pressure?

And: are my kids generally happy?

I understand your pain though. I feel guilty sometimes about getting out for exercise. But my partner doesn't.

I hope you have a good day!

From the other side. My parents both worked FT and (a) I adore them and (b) even in the 1980s I never felt hard done by.

Then another way to think of it…I went back FT for the sake of my career and sanity. DH and I agreed (jokingly) that I could be ‘rude’ to people who said ‘wouldn’t you rather be PT’ until anyone had asked him the same question. Never happened. Does your DH feel guilty about being FT?

Not sure how to help with advice but I just wanted to empathise. I'm in a similar situation expecting 3rd child and have DC 1 in school DC2 in nursery full time. I recently went from part time to full time too and I won't lie, the extra cash is nice and we spend our weekends doing lots of activities as a result.

Still, like you I also have to fight the pang of guilt because I was raised in a single earner household with one parent always home. In those moments I remind myself that actually I need my job for my mental health and fulfillment, that family finances were different back then. Plus I also remind myself that there is no sensible reason why if any parent needed to go part time it would have to be me Vs my husband who earns similar amounts. The truth is DH loves our kids just as much, has a fantastic bond with them and goes above and beyond to entertain them in the evenings, weekends and holidays so has every confidence he is doing right by them even though he works full time, and it's probably my own thinking that needs a change!

I hope you start to feel more comfortable with your decision whatever you decide to do X

I understand OP, I have just returned to work after maternity leave. I requested compressed FT hours over 4 days but they rejected it and have allowed only an afternoon off instead - better than nothing but means I can't take my baby to any groups or full days out.

She now goes to nursery and my parents during the week and I do feel guilty too, she is so little to not be able to be at home all week. I can't afford to drop to part time hours as I'm the main earner.

It's really tough. I know in the long run she'll be fine and enjoy it, but it still feels bad.

The guilt is normal I would say. Most FT working mothers feel some guilt. While most dads don’t.

Everyone has to make these decisions for themselves - we can’t tell you what’s right or wrong. Is the guilt stronger than the enjoyment you get from work? Is the offset of the extra money enough against the stress of finding time for all the domestic stuff? For example.

Should also add that many people don’t have the luxury of such a decision as they can’t afford to.

Just giving some older kid perspective.

My DCs are 19 and 23. I worked FT pretty much from when 19 year old was year old and DH has always worked FT. It was hard. School holidays were the worst.

However, we are both really close to our DCs and they don't seem to have been damaged by us working. DD especially has a really good work ethic and they are both pretty good at aiming for a work life balance.

You have my sympathies - it is such a wrench and you constantly question whether you are doing the right thing.

My top tip? Prioritise what is really important when you're not working. Don't sweat the housework unless it completely stresses you out. Work out what is the way your DCs recognise how much you love them and do that as much as you can. DD loved bedtime chats and DS appreciated us doing outside stuff with him. Make sure that when they want to tell you something, they have your full attention.

Apologies if they are obvious or patronising tips - just my thoughts.

Do your little ones enjoy preschool/ nursery? I’m a student nurse and my children have been in nursery since they were 1 my dd(4) is now in reception and loves it and my ds ( nearly 2) really enjoys nursery , it gives him a lot of playtime and social interaction that if I was at home I wouldn’t be able to offer him. I’ve struggled with the mum guilt but I know my children are happy. Ultimately you’ve got to do what feels right for your family. Personally I’d put the extra money away for a holiday or days out, just some nice family time together.

Can you find a fab nanny for the one day? I appeased the guilt with nanny/nursery combo. Then on bad weather days the baby was home and on good weather days out having fun whilst I worked. If it’s a Friday normally easy to recruit.

I grew up with 2 parents working full time, I know they did fit for me and my brother and we both have a great work ethic from seeing their grind for all those years. Did I sometimes wish my mum picked me up from school instead of the childminder, sure, but as an adult I completely support what they did for us and have a great relationship with them. My mum had 6 months off with me and just 3 months with my brother. I’m currently pregnant and planning on having 6 months off and going back full time.
Do what’s best for you and the family, but don’t feel guilty just because you think you should.

I understand the guilt. I worked 4 days a week after my eldest was born but after my 2nd I was made redundant but could only find FT jobs. I’ve worked FT since (they are now 12 and 9). I do feel guilty but I also think it’s more of a me thing than a them thing. I loved my day off with my son and I feel I missed it with my daughter but the kids really wouldn’t have known the difference. I have a good relationship with my kids and, like you, have a flexible job which means I can do some school pick ups, attend events etc when needed, which is really what the kids appreciate most. I think the guilt is a built in mother thing. Do you have an EAP at work where you could speak to a counsellor to get some tips for how to reframe the situation in your head?