9 year old with separation anxiety. Anyone with experience with any advice

[SoftKittyBazinga]

My 9 year old son has pretty severe separation anxiety. The points where he needs to leave us, so things like:

1. going into school
2. us leaving to go out
3. not staying at friends to play

anything where he is away from both parents simultaneously.

He is an articulate kid, and he can explain that he worries about being left. So something happening to us or him when both of us aren’t there.

H also has few friends. All the kids seem to like him but he finds it really hard building relationships and trusting new people.

this has been an issue for a long time and his school are being fab. We have structures in place to support him, consistent routine, supportive staff, space for him to take stock when he is upset etc. Once he’s in he does really well, and is a great student.

We've had a course of counselling sessions which, TBH, were of limited help. He struggled to engage with the online counsellor who was all we were able to access.

Ive read what feels like the whole internet looking for ways to support him.

i know there isn’t a ‘fix’ for anxiety, that he needs time and consistency, but after making some progress in the start of this year around going into school, (no tears!!), we’ve suddenly kicked back to where we were and he totally loses control. I cannot pinpoint the trigger at all.

I’m just wondering if anyone else has either got through this, or is in this, and can share any insight I may be missing in the sea of information and emotions. My heart is breaking for him and I need strategies to cope and to be there for him in new ways.

My daughter is 10 (y5) and is the same about parties, play dates and sleepovers. Will not tolerate a babysitter. Needs to have one of us at home with her (mainly me) and gets hugely stressed at the thought of me going out. Much worse since Covid. No problems going to school but holiday camps etc extremely stressful. She still sleeps in my bed most nights. Progress is slow but taking a hard line approach will make it worse I know.

My DD had massive separation anxiety for most of her life. It's still there but it is A LOT better now (she's 9). I did an parent led anxiety course, I know you mentioned counselling but if you haven't done this I do advise it, I went through CAHMS and they were fantastic. If you can't access this the things we do generally are:

The separation anxiety revolved around myself so I have distanced myself quite a lot when it comes to triggering situations. DP does the school runs for example (thankfully this tied in with a new job though), he did bedtimes for about 6 months, at first it was rough but she can go and get ready for bed by herself now and I can tuck DD in and go straight downstairs which is amazing.

If there is a situation where DD is panicked e.g on a busy playground, I used to get down to her level and explain that she was okay, I'm only here etc etc. I don't do that now, if you get down to their eye level you're all that they can see and then they are relying on you to get through the situation rather than learning how to deal with it themselves if that makes sense? So I stand my height and say " you'll be fine, give it a go" or words to that extent. Again it was hard to start but things are generally a lot easier now.

We have stopped avoiding triggering situations but instead worked around them, DD is triggered by noise so she has ear defenders, she doesn't always need them but she knows they're in my bag if need be.

It's generally all small things that mount up to make a big difference. It takes time and a lot of patience and you need to expect some bad days / weeks but it's important to carry on. I hope this helps! x

Thanks so much both of you for taking the time to reply. I haven’t done a parent led course but it sounds I retesting so I will look!

It’s interesting that you both mention being hard line. My mum described me as “hard nosed” for doing it when she was at drop off once and implied she couldn’t do it, it really knocked my confidence.

He is definitely worse for me but is bad for both me and his dad at school drop off. I do wonder though, bearing in mind what you’ve all said, if more consistency is key. E.g. each day one of us drops and one of us collects. No variation. He does better if he knows what to expect and his routine doesn’t change.

i suspect that time is going to be the big thing. But you’ve given me some things I can try / go back to, as well as some reassurance. So thank you again 🥰

You're not being hard nosed, you're teaching your child the skills to be able to deal with his own anxiety. I am what you would call a 'soft parent', I've always been there to help her every step of the way and while I would always try to encourage independence for her it just made DD depend on me even more. DD knows I'm there for her, every minute I'm not at work I'm with her but it has really helped having the key triggering moments dealt with by DP in the early days. It's really helped them both develop a bond that they didn't have before also. Obviously it will most likely be a different course of action for your son but I hope you can see what I'm trying to explain.

If your mum has another comment to make about the way you're handling things you should explain that it's our job to teach our children the skills they need to survive without us. Mental health is a key part of that, they need to learn how to deal with their own anxiety / depression / anything else. I don't mean you can't be there, I'll always be there for DD but she now has the skills to self manage most of the time. Considering she has struggled with panic attacks as a toddler, self harm at 5 and depression through lockdown, she's come a long way.

You're trying to do the right thing by your son so you are already a great parent. Remember that.

@Tdcp i wanted to thank you for such a considerate reply. It’s taken me a while as it made me emotional reading it.

I am doing the best I can. Learning as much as I can. And everything I do is with love.

leaving him distraught this morning was really hard though 😢

DD had a phase in Y4. We found Helen Kennerley's book "Overcoming Anxiety" useful.