Night weaning - feeling like a massive failure

[Eyebagsforlife]

DS is 16 months old and I am currently having a big struggle with trying to night wean him... he wakes up many times a night and I am finding it very hard to function at work etc. I have always tried to be responsive and as gentle as possible, so it is very hard to see him so upset. I'm trying to follow jay gordon method, and tonight when he woke at 2330 I did not offer the boob and attempted to just cuddle / rock him. He became very upset, hysterical, and nothing was calming him. I tried to distract him by taking a walk with him outside - which I had to repeat 3 times. I persevered for 1.5 hours but in the end gave up and fed him as he is so heavy to carry and rock constantly, and he seemed to just not be settling, and my back and arms just couldn't take it any more. I offered him a bottle with cows milk which he basically slapped away. I feel awful now as not only I wasted time, but made DS suffer for no reason. Is it meant to be this awful for everyone...? Feeling very pathetic and sad.

It's very very difficult. I would advise getting someone else to do the nights if you can. Otherwise I would say it will work but it takes time, it's a change.for your little one and he won't get it in one night. Keep going and you will get there but you need to be consistent otherwise he will get confused. My little.one got it in a week but it was a hell of difficulty. Can you take some time off work to recover during the day if you need to?

Is there some other food you can offer rather than milk? I found warm juice and an Ella’s pouch worked well. It may seem odd and not good for teeth but it’s easy to stop the food and drink after they’ve got used to not feeding.

It is very hard unless someone else does nights for a bit - otherwise DC can smell milk and can't understand why they can't feed. It took us about a week for my DH to get DS through without a feed and not be upset. He actually started sleeping through finally. It wasn't as bad as I feared and we weaned DS completely at that time. If I hadn't forced the issue then he would have kept going for much longer (he was 14 months and I couldn't cope at work). I was very uncomfortable though!

Good luck - it is really hard x

I am not sure a method that results in having to switch from feeding to going for a walk sounds helpful, that seems incredibly tiring and disruptive for both you and him.

I understand how knackered you are. However for some people the upset and tiredness of trying not to feed is worse than the tiredness of feeding.

You're not a failure if you carry on or if you give up and try again in a few months. All parents are just trying things out and seeing how it goes. I tried some things that worked first time and some that were complete failed attempts.

Where is his dad in all of this? Because you should each have a fixed four hour sleep window each night to keep your sanity - the other one does the wake ups for those times.

Unfortunately husband and I are not in a good place in our relationship so I get very little support both practically and emotionally at the moment. I don't think he will do the nights as he sees it as "my problem" and in fact he blames me for making our baby "addicted to breastmilk". It does make me very upset but there we are, that's just the state of things currently. He is not a horrible person, he is is a lovely person but i think he also really struggles when DS is upset and he seems to deal with it by blame.
I am not sure if I should try again tonight, but I am already dreading it and feeling quite traumatised....

I'm sorry to hear that. Have you considered speaking to a sleep consultant? Friends have used them at a similar stage and it can really help to have an external perspective.

I didn't night wean my eldest till 2 and a bit. We read lots of books about it and talked about it. The first couple of nights I was awake a lot and there were tears but we got through and it rapidly improved. I still coslept some of the night with her. Overall I don't remember it being that painful. I think my daughter was sleeping badly about 16 months and actually naturally improved after that to waking up only once or twice quite briefly. If you need to do it now, can you take time off work so you don't need to worry too much about sleep? Is there any possibility of waiting a few more months and just trying to manage? From memory 16months might be when molars are coming through?

Feel like I should add. When I did it we used a grow clock and rather than saying "no" I was essentially saying "wait". So you need to wait for the sun to come up on the clock. She was old enough to understand this concept but I think having to wait was an easier idea than just saying no. I also initially set the clock quite early, like 5am so she didn't have to wait quite so long and extended it.

I know you say you are tired at work, but do you need t do this right now? 15-18 months is notoriously the hardest time to reduce breastfeeding...

I've not done night weaning until my 3 were 2. It was really very easy at that age, no tears and no need to replace with rocking etc (although my boys did take a dummy). We read stories in advance and they were able to understand. No big developmental changes/growth sports then either.

Personally if focus on making the night feeds as easy and survivable as possible. What is your current set up?

If you do go for it now, it all be very hard for you without support. Are you full or part time? I.e are there days when you can nap to recover?

Also, night weaningwill most likely reduce night waking. But it doesn't guarantee no night waking.It can just mean you still have to get up but have to go through something more elaborate to get them back to sleep!

Yes I think maybe I will wait. I think I feel a lot of pressure as all my mum friends seemed to have completely weaned their little ones and also jealous at the fact now they are getting better sleep as a result. I often feel like I'm the only one who have not moved on.... bub got a fever yesterday so he may have been extra unsettled the previous night perhaps not feeling his best. I felt too traumatised to continue trying at this point too... 😭

@TinyTeacher I was not aware that 15 - 18 months was hard to wean! That helps knowing that.... perhaps I will postpone until after Xmas.... or later

@TinyTeacher i also didn’t know that, do you know why? We’re also trying to night wean so someone else can do bedtime x