'Grief' over children growing up

[DarkDaysHopefullyOver]

Hello. I don't want to underestimate anyone's real loss and grief, but I can't think of describing this feeling any other way. I am on my own with 2 boys who are now 8&13, and this year has been hellish for us, including leaving our home of 9 years, 3 home moves, homelessness, and buying a house which needs whole renovations. I have kept them at their schools and clubs throughout, I just had to commute.

I don't know what this feeling is, and I understand it could have been brought on due to stress, but I feel such a sense of loss. I wonder around crying thinking about the boys when they were younger, the things we used to do, I feel immense guilt at not always appreciating my time with them, I go around picking up their stuff and crying, I go to places we've been and walked in and the memories feel visceral, the pain of it washes over me. I sound dramatic and extreme but that's how it feels.

At first I had no idea why I was feeling this way, but now I think its due to them getting older...does anyone else have experience of this? It would be good to feel less alone, and maybe not like I'm losing my mind.

I suspect you are feeling something physical, like anxiety or depression and trying to find a rational reason for it. I know I had a run of problems and then found it hard to cheer up. I think my body was to being sad

Yes definitely. Parenthood seems to be a series of losses - you lose the baby, the toddler, the pre-schooler etc but also gains as you gain the next iteration of your child. Sometimes it’s hard to focus on the gains when you’re mourning the losses. I have teenagers and they’re really lovely most of the time and there are a lot of benefits from them not being small but I really missed taking them out trick or treating yesterday and I miss feeling their little hands in mine. It’s great I’m not woken up by them at 5.30am when the clocks go back though. I think it’s ok to acknowledge the feeling of loss- but do try to appreciate what you have as 8 really isn’t very old and you have a lot of childhood years ahead of you with them.

Thank you for the replies. @Coyoacan I can understand you saying that and maybe there is some of that going on, my body holding on to the stress and anxiety, but this doesn't feel just that. I was in sainsburys today crying when I looked at the toys.

I wish so badly that I could turn time back and be better and be with them and hold my eldest hand and watch him grow up again. I'm so scared of my youngest getting older, and although he's only 8 I think about him wearing PJ masks costumes and being little. But then I can also feel desperately sad thinking about last year or when we were staying in Premier Inns this year, which I weirdly miss.

As PP says, it's natural to feel a little grief as you're letting go of the baby/toddler/young child as they are.

My DD are 9 and 11. In the last year, the 11yo suddenly seems more teen like and far away from the child she was. Doesn't play with toys, losing interest in going to the playground. It reminds me that my youngest will also grow up IYKWIM. It's the first year that the age gap between them has been apparent.

Maybe you also wish you could go back and do things better .. I feel the same about some aspects of their childhood but you can only do your best at the time. You still have a lot of years with your kids, especially the youngest, so try to focus on that.

I still stand in my son's room and gaze around, thinking of the time he was at home. He is nearly 39 now and in The RAF. Married earlier this year so won't be home again to stay! 😢

You still have lots of happy and good times to come with them. They really are still only young, they’re not going anywhere for quite a while yet. It sounds like some of your stress this year and life events is making you feel guilty about how things could have been different? Maybe talking it through with a counsellor would help? We do the best we can at the time with the resources we have, no need to feel guilty for that.

I think this is pretty normal, it’s bitter-sweet but the balance of the bitter and sweet changes depending on how I’m feeling and what else is going on. For you, OP, you’ve had a lot of stress and change recently and that explains why you’re feeling the grief more than the happiness and pride. I’d be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel the sadness but also try and look ahead a bit more and think about the future and all the good things your children have to come.

I find it helpful sometimes to remind myself that the only situation in which this sort of “loss” wouldn’t arise is a very negative situation (for example, my children couldn’t become more independent due to illness or an accident) and so I should count my blessings. But whether that sort of thinking is helpful for you is really down to you.

I have DD12 and DS14.
There's lots of positives to them being older, they do so much more for themselves and we don't have to cart half the house with us when we go anywhere!
But I don't half miss the cuteness of them as toddlers, I found some old.photos and videos recently and they were just adorable! I think we definitely look back with rose tinted glasses though, the broken nights and toddler tantrums are soon forgotten.
I think feeling sad is natural, but feeling it to the degree you are is concerning. It sounds like you've had a rough time, have you spoken to your GP recently? Do you think its possible there's some anxiety/stress/depression affecting you aswell?

Have a scroll down the parenting threads and read the struggles of dealing with toddlers and young children, you'll soon be pleased your children are a wee bit older 😁

I'm sorry, I really can't relate to the posts saying it's normal to walk around your house crying because your kids are growing up. It's not.

Sounds like you've had a traumatic year and are mentally struggling with it all, and this is how it's making it's presence felt.

It's worth a visit to the GP.

I think it’s partly as they seem almost like different people as they get older, and you’ll never get to meet the little version of them again.

I said this to my DD15 the other day though and she was very upset as to her she is the same person, so I regretted it 😂

I relate to this. But I also know that I am intensely privileged to feel that grief of my children growing older which (most of the time) is enough to kee it in check.

the other week though I bawled my eyes out missing my eldest as a baby. Which is crazy as I didn’t sleep for a year with him and spent most of that time crying about it!

It is understandable that you are sad about the time you could have spent but haven't and are wishing that you could turn back the clock. However, crying in Sainsbury's and feeling desperately sad about it all, is not usual IMHO....Have you tried talking about this to your GP or a therapist?On another point, do remember you cannot change the past and mourning about what used to be is not a good strategy long time. You have your children and although they are growing up and changing, you still have time with them now which you can use to spend together with them now is what counts. It is especially difficult to do this with teenagers as they often will push against it. But please keep trying. I lost my teenage DS and have met a few bereaved parents. What we wouldn't give to still have our DC in our lives now, only we don't have that option and are only left with our memories and tears - but no future with them. You OP at least have that so use it wisely.

You may be grieving for the loss childhood that has gone , try not to dwell on the past , be proud of how far you have come and remember you are still together , appreciate and enjoy your children now , they are still young.

I can relate to this while my eldest was growing up. Not a recommendation, but I had 2 more dc when she was 19! They are both under 6 now and even now I look back at photos of when they were younger and how that time has already gone. I think I'm the kind of person who does get sentimental about these things, I like to record things with photos and ticket stubs and mementos. It's not anxiety for me but just a sorrow for times lost.

You have had a traumatic year and are responding to the changes that have happened - my guess is you are equating your children being younger with happier times?

It's normal to feel a little sad that you won't have little kids again, but at the level you describe. I look at mine and think it was a whole lot simpler then and I loved it yet we are all happy now so the moment passes.

I know that feeling, OP. When my eldest DD turned ten years old, I used to wander round the supermarket that we had used at that time thinking to myself "she was here", almost as if I might find baby DD amongst the apples and loo roll! I still get a lump in my throat every time I drive through the town that we used to live in. All my DC are perfectly lovely now as teens/tweens, but there is that sense that you have lost the baby/toddler version.

I find those feelings easier to manage now than I did when they were about ten. There's a lot to enjoy with older children...mine aren't quite as cuddly now, but we can enjoy the same films and TV programmes, have more interesting conversations etc so I try to focus on that.

You poor thing. You've had a hell of a time of it. 💐

I mean this supportively but what you're describing is not a typical reaction and I'd advise you to speak to someone about it. You actually sound like you're suffering with a trauma response. You don't need to experience just one dramatic incident to suffer a trauma response. Lots of smaller incidents can build up and eventually push you past the point of coping. And that's before we get into the factors that led up to you having to move in the first place or how/why you're parenting on your own.

Please think about getting some support and I hope you feel better.