Mean girls who are 'friends'

[Happinessischeeseontoast]

DD10 goes to a tiny school where there isn't a lot of choice for friendships. In the past she has got on well with two girls individually with one being her best friend for a while. Now though they are constantly getting at my DD but while they are playing. It's like constant criticism which doesn't result in a falling out but probably just because my DD isn't standing up for herself and I can only imagine the effect it's having on my DDs self esteem. I had thought things had improved as she was playing lots with one of them and had a sleepover, talks of trick or treating etc but it turned out to be because the other was on holiday and when she returned my DD was being treated like dirt again and overlooked for trick or treating. I don't know how they get the brass neck to use someone like that.

What advice can I give to my DD? I don't want her playing with these girls! I've told her to tell them to stop having a go at her all the time, play with someone else (she does have other friends) and if they come to play with her again just ignore them. But I'm aware I'm probably looking at it too simplistically and this kind of shit is familiar from when I was at school and guess what, I still played with them too.

There was an awful shit at DD2 school that unfortunately she really wanted to be friends with. This delightful child made her cry regularly by telling her she couldn't play with the rest of the groups etc, and then later told her she couldn't come to her party because she wouldn't give her a good enough present, and then that she didn't want to be her friend because she cut her hair to donate to The Little Princess Trust and now looks like a boy🙄. I had to try really hard not to involve school or go to the parents, but to try to support DD2 to feel she could stand up to the girl, and to help her understand that people who behave like that are not people you want to be friends with.
It was an epiphany when it became apparent that little shit's parents are the ones that always park on the double yellows at the school gates, and who complained and criticised the PTA in public online that there were no tickets left for their little shit 2 hours before the school disco. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

It's just shit isn't it? It's like covert bullying as my DD doesn't even recognize it so the school or the parents aren't an option. It's just going to eat away at her self esteem and I feel like being an utter cunt to the pair of them next time I see them at the park but of course I won't because I'm meant to be the adult and shouldn't make little kids cry.

I'm lucky that my DD is now opening up but I have fuck all advice other than 'ignore them' which is just wank isn't it? Ive said that good friends wouldn't speak to her like this and she's a good person and doesn't deserve it. But it's basically all on my DD to stand up for herself as they will keep playing and including her but in a shitty way.

In my experience it doesn’t change much in adulthood x

I had a call from one delightful little lady's mum that my dd was rude to her dd online. I checked it out. Yes, said my dd, I was replying "same to you.". Looking at the text exchange, it turned out that she was insulting my dd, when dd responded, she ran to her mother and got her to call me to complain she was being insulted.I rang the mum back and explained. A week later the same girl was writing all kids of nasty stuff to my dd, who simply replied, " my mum is reading this! " She was blocked, instantly 😄

You do get kids who are bullies or mean to others. It's maddening fir you as the parent, but mostly you can only ignore it and encourage her to deal with it herself If it gets too much, though, you can intervene and approach the parent. Mainly, in your case, encourage other friendships and sports/hobby groups etc

I had a frenemy like these girls at primary school and my mum used to constantly talk to me about it, kept driving the point that this girl was nasty and I should disinvest from the friendship. It stressed me out at the time as I didn't feel it was that easy to get away from the girl (and didn't entirely want to) but eventually I did and I'm glad in retrospect my mum made an issue of it and didn't turn a blind eye. So I think its fine to spell out to your dd that this is covert bullying and send her a strong message that she doesn't have to take it- you might feel like a helicopter parent but kids do need our help to understand these things.

Thanks @Schoolsdilemma123 it's her self esteem I'm concerned about. I will keep drilling into her that she doesn't have to accept that kind of treatment from friends and hopefully she will make a stand from it which will be good practice for next year when there will be even more of this shit at secondary school 😭

@User0000009 I tend to agree but for kids school is their whole world and social life. I know they can have hobbies and passions outside of it but they spend the majority of their time at school. I choose not to hang around with cunts nowadays but I remember how hard it was and so much more hurtful.

Are there other friendship options? Secondary is often better as there is a deeper pool so they can find nicer kids. After a few false starts both mine had much improved friendship groups in secondary than primary

Yeah there are she has a few options but still seems to end up with these girls. I think 80% of the time they are fine but 20% has that nasty undertone that she doesn't know how to handle. I'm guessing on the ratios here but you get my drift.

Unfortunately her options for secondary schools are limited and she will most likely be in a small one. It will be bigger than what she is in now though so that's the main thing.