Can I ask for advice. DD being bullied?

[beautifulweather]

Dd is in year 9. She is quiet and always enjoyed school until starting back in September. One particular girl keeps making horrible remarks, trying to get other girls against her and spreading rumours about her, silly stuff but it's upsetting dd and every morning now she is in tears and refusing to go to school. This particular girl is quite big and has older cousins at school so I think the children are intimidated by her. Dd says she hates school it's ruining her life. I just don't know what to do. I'm waiting for school to call me back.

Would you text her mum and ask her to have a word with the girl. I have her mums number from primary school and mum has always seems to be nice and approachable or would you let school know? I don't want to make things worse for dd but things can't carry on like this.

Would appreciate any advice.

No I wouldn't text the mum because as nice as she may be, sometimes you'll see a shockingly different side to someone when their child has been accused of something.

I would give the school a chance to deal with it and keep on at them, logging every single incident.

School every time.
Being bigger doesn't mean she'd more intimidating nor does having older cousins so I wouldn't mention that to the school. If you talk to the other num no harm in sending a light message saying Hi X, just thought I'd ask how Y was getting on at school as Z just doesn't seem herself lately and was wondering if Y had mentioned anything. Also with out proof this girl is spreading rumours or being a bully theirs not much the school can do but they can monitor it and it will be on record

@beautifulweather you never approach the parents, ever. You contact school with facts about what has happened. In your DD's planner and on the school website there will be a bullying policy, who you report to and what they will do about it.

The staff will talk to your DD, please don't worry about it escalating because if it does you or your DD report that back too and then there is usually harsher punishements, again it should all be listed in bullying policy.

Honestly, never contact the parents. Never heads them up so that their child has time to form a lie to tell when approached by the teacher. Let it go, let school deal with it they have training on this stuff.

Don't worry about "no proof" because my child had an incident which wasn't witnessed, the bully was spoken to, had to give their version of events and never bullied my child again. For all you know this child could be doing it to other students so may already be on their radar.

Thanks for quick replies so I won't text the parent. School have called and we have a meeting with them this afternoon. Dd doesn't want to get school involved she feels like everyone will find out. It's just upsetting seeing her change. It's not physically bullying but it's the name calling and trying to embarrass her in class for example shouting "dd do you remember when you done this in primary school"

Name calling is still bullying. The school have to take this seriously. If your dd don't want the other girl to know, the teachers should be able to keepna eye on things and make sure their not paired up together

What happened to make this start?

Schools are often pretty rubbish at actually dealing with bullying and stopping it. There's lots of wishy washy hand wringing and minor punishments but ultimately, they tend to go for a 'hope for the best' outcome.

Sure, give them an opportunity to deal with the perpetrator, but if you don't feel their approach is working, then speak directly and very frankly to the parents. Don't let this situation drag on.

School. My dd's school stamped on this kind of behaviour - called parents of the girls involved and told them not to even look at my dd let alone speak to her and it was stopped within a day. I think it's a badge of honour in decent schools for absolutely zero tolerance of bullying these days.

Oh this was our biggest fear as dd is autistic and had had several meltdowns at primary. We purposely sent her out of area away from all primary school peers so she could have a fresh start. There were one or two there but no one ever said anything and she was able to get on without any of those primary school reminders. Any chance you could move her?