Isolated only child - could moving help?

[TempsPerdu]

Also posted in One-Child Families, but adding here for traffic

Hello wise people of Mumsnet. I posted on here last year about my 5-year-old daughter not really settling at school, but now things have come to a bit of a head and we need to make some kind of decision.

We currently live in a busy London suburb. We are well integrated into the community as in DP and I have plenty of friends, but this hasn’t translated into DD having friends. There are no local cousins (only one overseas), close school/uni friends had their DC much earlier so they’re all now teens, and local friends and neighbours have mostly boys. Basically, we have a social network here but DD doesn’t. This evening, for example, I’m facing a choice of taking DD out trick or treating on her own, or in a pack of about half a dozen boys her own age who will all ignore her; there are no similarly aged girls that we know well enough to hook up with.

DD started school last year and that has become another issue. The school itself is good, but she’s ended up in a class of very girly girls who she hasn’t really bonded with - DD is into science and football and Pokémon while (without exception at the moment) the other girls are into princesses and unicorns. The ability range is also unusually skewed so that other than DD the higher attaining and more motivated children are all boys, and she is working mainly with them. At play times she is currently playing mainly with much older girls (Year 4 upwards) rather than her peers, as they have so little common ground. We requested last year that DD change class, as she got on better with the girls from the parallel class, but the school was not open to this idea.

It all feels very isolated, and I worry about the future. Every time I read an only child thread, multiple people advise organising play dates and sleepovers and taking friends on holidays - we are totally open to this and when opting to have just the one child we naively thought this is what would happen. But circumstances have dictated otherwise; since the pandemic we’ve noticed people increasingly retreating into their families, and living in London people lead very fast-paced and stressful lives with little time for casual socialising.

We have wondered for a while whether moving to somewhere less busy and pressurised might help DD to make more settled friendships. We have a market town in mind, just outside of a smaller city. We know that it isn’t a utopia, but there seems to be more community engagement, a slightly slower pace of life, there’s only one secondary school so everyone goes there (as opposed to here, where secondary schooling is quite competitive and fragmented), it’s safer so children wouldn’t be ferried around by car so much etc. We just want a more relaxed lifestyle, where DD gets to make the close friendships that she’s going to need in the future.

Does anyone have any advice on this? Has anyone been in a similar boat? How have parents of only children managed to forge a social network in the absence of extended family? Any input massively appreciated, as we are feeling increasingly unsettled about all this.

@Araminta1003 Thanks you - that’s a good tip (and part of the reason why we signed DD up to a choir earlier this year - it’s like a little oasis of lovely children!)

Actually part of the reason we were looking at moving away is that the school we’re considering is particularly strong on arts and music, which are very important to us but undervalued in many local schools (especially our nearest catchment one).

We have already hinted to the school that we are prepared to move on if necessary. You’re right - DD staying there would be good for their SATs data, if nothing else! To be fair to them, they are well aware of the issues they have among the younger cohorts in the school, and are doing lots of fire-fighting (nurture groups etc) to help with behaviour and social skills.

“Actually part of the reason we were looking at moving away is that the school we’re considering is particularly strong on arts and music, which are very important to us but undervalued in many local schools (especially our nearest catchment one)”

I do not know where you are in London, but where we are there are no end up musical and artistic opportunities outside of state school. For example, I took one DC to an amazing art club at a local private school for years - they had a proper gallery and a resident artist. Same applies to musical opportunities from classical to contemporary etc.

The advantage of singing and playing an orchestral instrument well is that it can give confidence through performances, peer group and also, lots of the successful comprehensive schools now have musical scholarship places so DC can join a lovely & typically academic group of children too.

So in your shoes I would not rock the boat too much and would look for local opportunities. Another point I noted with 2 of my sensitive/very academic DC is that it took them until Year 3 to actually properly bond in school with the kids more like them. Somehow there is a social hierarchy and they were desperately seeking the acknowledgement of the popular group when all along there were actually a few kids who were more like them, but they were all too shy/reserved to properly find each other.

I do wonder from some of your posts if the issue is not just that you are a bit too invested in your daughter's social life and you need to back off a bit and just let her get on with it. A friend of mine has an 11 year old in Year 6 at a local primary school and she's never had a strong friendship group. But she's not unhappy and her mum lets her get on with it and she's always done really well at school. If your daughter is not sad about friends then step back and don't worry so much.

I do also think you're a bit negative about some of the other children in her class. It might not be your intention but your tone suggests that you think your child is more clever than the girls and so therefore can't be friends with them. I understand that you're a governor but you do sound like you know a lot about the children in that class. I'm not sure that's such a good thing. And I don't resonate with what you mean by having nothing in common with the other mums. Unless they're shoplifting druggies I don't really understand why that stops you getting on with them? I used to go to a coffee morning at my two older kids' primary, which was in quite a 'rough' area. The mums were generally from backgrounds quite different to mine but that didn't stop me from making friendships with them.

And in one breath you're saying that your daughter can't get on with the other girls because they're into unicorns and princesses and are not as mature as her and then in the next you're saying they're too grown up. So which is it?

All that said, as you're a SAHM, have you considered home educating? I home educate my 6 year old daughter and she has friends of both sexes from age 4 to age 10. The boys tend to be less obsessed with football and more open to being friends with girls and the girls tend to not be into fashion or boys so early. I know a friend of a schooled child in Year 2 was surprised when her daughter said most of the Year 2 girls just stand and admire the boys playing football at break times! My home educated daughter would want to be playing with the boys, not looking at them! She's also been told by schooled children that certain clothes/colours/interests are only for boys/girls. That doesn't happen in our home educated community. They also are less bothered about who is 'clever' and who is not and don't form friendships based on who is at a similar ability level.

My DD is also an only, and sounds a bit like yours. She never fitted in to the main 'group' in her class though part of this was down to most of that group living very close to each other. Like you @TempsPerdu psPerdu I worried about her having friends... She did get very tight with one particular girl who was also a bit of an individual and neither of them had any desire to follow the crowd. TBH I was delighted that she had one. If she's getting on well with the girl in the parallel class then that sounds like a great start to arranging to hang out with them at the park, or arrange play dates or whatever. Such a shame that so few kids hang out outside in big groups now as we did - all ages, and boys and girls.

I see you've tried Beavers but no joy yet - is she on the waiting list? And what about other groups? Woodcraft Folk (more outdoorsy) or a Wildlife Watch group? Volunteer yourself if necessary (they're always looking for help) to get her up the waiting list...

DD changed schools for the last 2 years of primary, and still didn't really get into the main group of kids (hung out outside school with the BFF mentioned above). She's at secondary now and at last has a wide range of friends... Incidentally, we discovered last year, at 13, that she is neurodivergent with dysgraphia and probably other stuff going on (the description by @Jellycats4life sounds very, very like her...).