Daughters friends

[Spename84]

My 2 daughters are having a hard time at the minute with 3 of their friends. They play out with a set of twins and another girl but they have to play with them separately because the twins get jealous if other children are there. The twins will
not tolerate playing with this other girl. They won’t say why other than they don’t feel sure of her 🤷‍♀️ nothing has happened between them just they are a bit different personality wise as they are a bit of a quieter personality and the other girl is more outgoing.

My oldest daughter tries to do it where she has one evening playing with the girl then the next night playing with the twins. They all want to play every single night so they do actually see each other a lot. However the girls mam messaged saying that her daughter gets upset when she can’t play with mine (even though they still do a few times a week at least) and I feel like I’m stuck in the middle here. I felt like she is blaming my daughter for upsetting hers because she has other friends. I understand the confusion about why the twins won’t play with the girl as I dont get why they can’t play together but they’re not my twins I can’t tell them who to play with. We have arranged to go trick or treating with the twins and the other girl was going with her friend. Well her friend has now cancelled and she wanted to go with us. The twins said they didn’t want to go with her so I explained since we had already planned to go with them it’s only fair we still do so now the other girl
is in a huff with my daughter for not cancelling going with the twins and I’ve had her mam messaging me saying she’s upset even though her daughter wasn’t coming with us in the first place.

what would anyone do in these situations? I get anxious about these sorts of things and feel sorry for the girl but I feel like she doesn’t want my daughters to have separate friends from her as she does from mine. She goes swimming etc with other friends but wants to be invited when we go places with the twins. I’m also annoyed that the twins get so jealous and their parents aren’t telling them that it’s not fair to exclude ppl. I feel like I can’t win.

sorry for the long post and I hope it makes sense!

I feel like you're giving the twins far too much control here. Your daughter really shouldn't be made to pick and choose who's she's allowed to do things with. If she's like to go trick or treating (or any other activity) with this child too, that's fine. Twins can either join in too, or not. I wouldn't want to single out or exclude a child based on the twins simply wanting to have exclusivity over your child.

Yes that is what I feel like I’ve been trying to do. I don’t tell my daughter who she can play with. If she wants to play with the girl she can. Or if she wants to play with the twins she can. The issue has been that the other person she’s not playing with (the girl or the twins) will go in a huff with her and she’s stuck in the middle because they won’t play with each other with her and now I have the girls mam messaging me when my daughter is playing with the twins saying her daughter is upset. I just don’t know what to do with it. I won’t tell my daughter not to play with the twins so she can play with the other girl and vice versa.

Just to also add my daughter wants to go trick or treating with the twins. I have told her it’s up to her as my younger daughter is also friends with the twins and we would still go but my oldest daughter is 10 so I’m ok with her going by herself for a bit but she wants to comes with us.

OP,

The issue has been that the other person she’s not playing with (the girl or the twins) will go in a huff with her and she’s stuck in the middle because they won’t play with each other with her and now I have the girls mam messaging me when my daughter is playing with the twins saying her daughter is upset.

Why is your daughter even having to choose? Tell both sets of girls that she's playing out and they can join her. If they decide they don't want to because the other child(ren) are there, that's on them and not your daughter. They don't need separate play dates as it's just feeding this nonsense. The twins now think they can get away with excluding a child that, by your own admission, hasn't actually dont anything wrong and is now quite rightly upset. Stop making it a your daughter is in the middle problem and put the ownership onto the other girls to either get along and accept your child has other friends or play by themselves if they can do that. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ok I get what your saying that is how it all was when it started. The twins every time went home crying. I understand that that’s on them but my daughter also wants to be their friend. They will not play with her at all if she’s with the other girl. It would mean that the twins wouldn’t play with her anymore at all and that isn’t what she wants.

To me, their behaviour is very controlling and really worrying! They're trying to emotionally blackmail your daughter into excluding this other child by running home crying when nothing remotely upsetting has happened. They're young but honestly it sounds very manipulative... I'd be telling my daughter to choose their friends carefully.

I feel like that too. I just don’t know how to go about it. She doesn’t play with them as much as she used to and does actually play with the other girl more often now but there’s always one of them in huff with her no matter what she does. I’m quite an anxious person and I don’t want my daughter having to do this so I just don’t know what to do to help her. I feel sorry for her. No matter what she does one of them isn’t happy.

I agree with previous posters that you are giving the twins too much control.

It sounds to me like there is some jealously going on here and that they don’t want the third friend being friends with your daughter.

I wouldn’t be having that at all.

I would invite the third friend trick or treating and if it upsets the twins, then so be it. If they go home crying, so be it. Going forward, I would always include the third friend. The twins need to realise that they are not in control of your daughter’s friendships. I wouldn’t be happy with the situation.

If the twins decide that they won’t play with your daughter when the third friend is there, then so be it. They can just play on their own. None of this is your daughter’s problem or responsibility. I wouldn’t be encouraging my child to maintain friendships with this kind of dynamic at play.

How old are these children? It all seems very immature. You need to be the adult here and let the other child come trick or treating. If the twins can't handle that. Tough! Let them go home crying. I wouldn't tolerate any of this and would tell my daughter she doesn't play with the twins at all if they can't let others join in.