Crying in front of toddler

[EmmaAsking]

I'm struggling to cope. There's a bunch of stuff - my best friend died after a fierce illness just before last Christmas and I feel lost and lonely without her. Plus, work is uncertain and pretty awful, my parents are unsupportive (to the point of telling my 2 year old off for crying because it made them feel sad), he's being very toddler - oppositional, defiant and clingy, waking me up 5 times a night, and my partner is struggling too and so seemingly has little space to be supportive. I'm getting a bit of counselling but feel like I'm drowning in other people's needs and demands.

This evening I started crying over dinner in front of my toddler and couldn't stop for maybe ten minutes, and struggled to re-engage after. He came over and offered me his drink, wanted to sit on my lap, felt worried about me. It was adorable but I felt really bad for crying so much in front of him. My mum was quite depressed when I was little (she fairly frequently - as I remember it - threatened to leave or kill herself, mostly to me rather than to my dad). I've grown up with this huge burden of responsibility and I don't want that for my kid. I'm not sure what to do. I don't want him to start feeling like he has to look after me, but as the anniversary of my friend's death approaches I'm feeling more and more on edge and less able to hold the tears in.

Do you cry in front of your kids? Is it ok? Is there a way of helping him know that I appreciate him being caring without him thinking that it's his responsibility to keep me safe?

This one incident won't rock his world, his day maybe, but unless it becomes a pattern it will fade into insignificance.
However, the situation you describe that bright you to tears isn't sustainable without damage to your mental health which will continue to make being a happy parent difficult. You sound determined but unsupported and drained by those around you, which is a burden.
I would take this as a warning signal that some changes need to be made. Limit contact with unhelpful parents, seek other mums for mutual support and low pressure play opportunities and see if you and/or your partner can get some counselling/on a parenting course to be able to parent positively through the tricky toddler age... When you have a good parenting strategy for your child you feel more in control (in a healthy way) and then the testing moments don't feel as crushing, this would help your partner engage better.

P s he's too young to process appreciation as such, if you can find a smile and have a little fun with him and make him feel safe as you tuck him into bed that will get everything feeling right again for him.

Christ on a bike!!! TUCK!!!
Jeeeeez auto correct! 🙈

You can edit your post @ABeautifulThing 😬

Thanks! Amused me that with your username you're advising me on how to disappear a swear word. 😁😁

I'm so sorry about your friend OP, that sounds extremely hard to deal with especially when your family and partner don't seem particularly supportive. I'm not sure I have any advice, but I think it's fine to cry in front of your toddler - we all have emotions and it's healthy for them to see that and know that it's normal and ok. I would be honest and tell him why you're sad, that it's normal and that it will pass - that he doesn't need to do anything. I think that's the most important thing as kids are intuitive and know when something is up, so being honest will help ensure he isn't left wondering if it's something he's done etc.
I see you're having counselling, but you sound like it's not enough and you're struggling to cope - I'd really urge you to speak to your GP. Have you considered other help, such as medication to help with your mood or just help get you through this? It's a totally normal reaction to shit things happening in your life but if you're on the edge, maybe it's something to consider now?
Is the counselling bereavement specific or just general counselling? Do you have other friends you can confide in, or remenisc with - your best friends family maybe - could they resonate with you and understand how you feel?
Are you doing anything for yourself? Self care can make a huge difference even if it's having an hour to yourself to go for a walk, go have a nice cake in a cafe, or just reading a book.
Sending hugs, your little one sounds amazingly caring and given your post, I don't think you'd ever let him feel like you felt as a child, because you're already conscious of it and actively seeking advice about it. You're a great mum just going through a tough time, don't be too hard on yourself xxx

I forgot about that new feature. 👌

@ABeautifulThing 😂 yes pretty ironic of me!! To be fair it was the context of the sweat rather than in itself! 😬

Showing normal emotions to your child is good.
I do get where you are coming from though as I have been responsible for my mum's well being since I was too young.
I'm also bipolar had a very difficult time when I had my daughter.

There have been the odd difficult times since she has been more sentient with family bereavements. It sounds like you have a very empathetic child.
Mummy's ok, she just needs a few minutes to be sad because of *something age appropriate. Can I have cuddle? Once you compose yourself again do something nice just the two of you.

It's a balance of sheltering their innocence and showing them life, again in an age appropriate way. My daughter is 3 and has been to 4 funerals and an internments but she doesn't sit with the family wailing. She sits at the back with the parent not blood related to the deceased and then is at the wake where things are less morose. She enjoys meeting new people. Yes people are sad and there might be a few tears but she sees people going from tears to laughing.

Children need to see their parents experience and work through every emotion (in a non harmful way to themselves or others) You have done absolutely nothing wrong.