new mother new baby advice

[CAA121]

Hi all

I’m currently 20 weeks pregnant and just back from a family wedding on my husband’s side. I’ve heard so many stories of what it’s going to be like when baby arrives I’ve kind of scared myself now.

Husband’s cousins and Aunt’s telling me stories about how I’ll never leave the house for the first couple of months, lucky if I get one hour of sleep in a week, some of them hadn’t showered at all for the first month and one hasn’t had a cooked meal in a year. I can’t tell if they were over exaggerating for story effect or likely it’s all very true and this will be my new reality. I know I’m really naive to all this but wondered if anyone had any advice to lessen this impact? It would be nice to shower 😅 is it that you can never ever put a baby down at all?

I run my own business (husband is taking full paternity and I have staff so will be VERY flexible and prioritising / delegating as best as I can - although one SIL told me I was delusional to think I’ll be working at all in first few months) and I have a very active working dog so I’m not sure not ever leaving the house for two months is going to work. I understand if I have a c section that will limit me walking / moving for a few weeks etc but I know mums with 2/3 kids, surely they still need to cook and take them to nursery / leave the house?

maybe I’m sounding very naive to all this but any advice would be greatly appreciated 😇😊

Your husbands family are massively scaremongering! That’s really unfair of them and I don’t understand why people do it. If the grublets didn’t shower in a month that’s entirely on them and not down to a new baby, as is not cooking for a year. They are either horrifically lazy or terrible prioritisers….

I say this as I’m laying with a 16 week old in my arms trying to extend a crap nap (he’s started the 4 month sleep regression….yay!)
i shower everyday and try and cook a meal. I have two working dogs and I’m a secretary for our business. I also had a caesarean.

it is hard. I’ll be honest. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done….not the practical side of parenting. I think that’s relatively simple. Feeding, changing, sleeping and stimulation. The hardest adjustment and most difficult thing to come to terms with is that your personal time for the moment does not exist. I live my life squeezing things in during naps and once my son has gone to bed. He used to nap pretty well but they are consistently 31 minutes maximum now so it’s go go go.

I’ve worked hard though to get my son to sleep independently. So I do get these short breaks. It makes a huge difference. But also know it’s totally ok to let them have a little cry while you get the bare basics done. Pop them on a rocker in sight while you shower/eat/laundry…whatever really. They will be absolutely fine even if they do get a little upset. I find chatting or singing away helped mine while I did bits to keep them involved.

the early weeks aren’t easy, especially if it doesn’t go smoothly. My son had tongue tie that wasn’t picked up so the first month was a nightmare but we still managed. You will be absolutely fine.

Exercising dogs - pop baby in a carrier/sling wrap and let baby nap. The fresh air will keep you sane too.

work wise it’s not the easiest. If you can be flexible and get on with things as and when then it’s doable.but if you have to stick to a schedule for meetings/phone calls etc it will be a little harder without support as you just can’t predict the baby’s schedule. Its just about managing expectations.

Youll honestly be fine, just remember next time you see your husbands family to be lovely and clean and point out that they must have been absolute mingers to not bother washing for weeks and you don’t know what all the fuss was about (even if that’s a total lie you’ll feel good doing it!)

congratulations and good luck x

Congratulations!

I think it depends on your approach. Is it a possibility that you have a baby that cries whenever you aren't holding it/will only sleep being held? Absolutely. Does that mean you can only shower once a week? That's the part that's up to you.

My baby was hugely "needy" from around 2 months in that she did not get the memo that other babies like to sit and look around at their surroundings. After 2 days without showering I realised the impact this was having on my mental health, so I put her in her bouncer by the shower and let her cry if I needed to.

I was a much better parent for the remaining 23 hrs and 55 mins of the day if I left her upset for 5 mins to take a shower.

I had a good sleeper (which is complete luck of the draw by the way, ignore anyone telling you otherwise), but my DH helped me catch up on sleep by taking her for an hour in the morning before work. Little routines like this really make a difference.

Also lower your standards for at least the first 3 months. It isn't important that the skirting boards aren't cleaned weekly/the lawn isn't mown/whatever your household's definition of "normal" standard isn't upheld (my skirting boards are lucky to get a monthly wipe even without a baby). Keep the essentials clean and worry about everything else when life is a bit more normal.

It very much depends on the variety of baby you get. I really don’t think there’s much you can do to prepare, so there’s no point worrying about it.

That’s what I’m telling myself anyway.. pregnant with 2nd and still can’t visualise the newborn phase. Everyone gets through it somehow though.

having a baby was much easier than my family made out. but I did have a supportive partner who helped. I definitely was able to shower - just did it when the baby napped or was happy to lie watching me rather than doing it at say 7am when I would previously have done it. you just adapt your life around them and if you're relaxed about this it's not a problem.

thr "hard bit" for me was the first 6 weeks where you are just very tired. but just go with it - it passes and you don't need to do much during that time. get out and about with your baby early so you build the confidence quickly. if you stay in for weeks or months, it becomes much harder.

Never leave the house in months? What a load of nonsense.

The best thing you can do is get yourself and baby outside in pram for a walk as soon as possible.

Not showered? Not cooked?

What a load of crap! Due to circumstances I had to do it all when both of mine were born as their father was away.

You can make things difficult for yourself by fussing or if you are I'll prepared but I'd you have everything set up and ready in advance and keep on top of things you will find it a lot easier than your husbands relatives!

Be organised, prioritise and plan ahead.

We were out daily from birth, you must already know not all babies and parents are the same, unless you have been living under a rock

you might want to get a dog walker for those 6 weeks though, that's something that realllly helped us and made sure the poor dogs weren't neglected when we were just figuring everything out.

They’re being dramatic. I went to my work’s Christmas do for a couple of hours ten days after having my first. Until my boobs drove me home.

For some reason I am yet to understand, mothers seem to like scaring each other.

My Mum gave me the best advice - love them. That’s all you need to do OP. Loving them and taking good care of your children will mean you make changes in your life all the way along as your travel, but you will do it. Of course you will ❤️

Now have a cuppa and look up cute baby clothes ❤️

Totally scaremongering and I don't know why people do this.

My baby was in the NICU for first 2 months of her life after life saving surgery so I can't speak to that time as she had a huge team looking after her, but once she came home 3 months ago.

I shower morning and night (she sits in her bath seat and I chat, sing and sometimes dance or sometimes her Dad holds her).

I eat three meals a day and I properly cook at least one of these - she doesn't like being put down but I don't need to for most things. When I'm chopping vegetables, she goes in her baby gym or in bouncy chair and she tends to be fine as long as I keep talking.

We go for a walk at least once a day - pushchair or carrier.

She naps in whichever room I have jobs to do. For her longest nap we both go back to bed which we love!

Congratulations on your pregnancy. It is what you make it...if what they all say is true they are total martyrs. It's ok for a baby to cry for a little bit while you brush your teeth or chop an onion. Yes it is mentally hard work at times, but it is also absolutely wonderful.

I think timescales get muddled in peoples heads, because the post birth/newborn phase is so intense it feels like much longer than it really is. Realistically the worst of the recovery/hormone come down/shock to the system that you now have a child to care for 24 hours a day is all over you by the first 2 weeks, and you've started to adjust to your new sleeping pattern. Even with a section, you don't need to spend weeks in the house at all.

Depends what kind of baby you get. If you get a chilled out one then they'll sleep all day but you might get one that screams for most of the day for the first year of their life. You don't know what type you'll get until they're born.

DD1 absolutely lost her shit if she was ever put down, like instant hysterical screaming. But that didn't mean I never showered or ate properly. Because she just had to be put down (I couldn't go all day without a wee or some lunch!), and DH isn't a dick so I always had time to shower/have a long relaxing bath, and cook (I wanted to cook, as I'd been with a baby all day so when he got home I basically threw her at him and went to the kitchen with some music on).

Depending on what you do, I do think that getting any significant work done isn't really that realistic in the first few months though.

It totally depends on how your baby is.

One of mine slept in 30 minute blocks until 2 years old. Could not be put down - 5 minutes in the shower involved high pitched death screams from the poor baby. I was badly sleep deprived and struggled to coordinate socks, trying to put a decent meal together or take a shower was impossible. We did get out daily. I needed to get out for my own mental health. I could not have worked. Pets would have been traumatised by the constant screaming.

My other baby was a breeze. Slept through from early on. Easily pacified. I could have gone back to work, productively, from around 3 months.

It is luck of the draw. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

It'll be somewhere in the middle. Some days you won't achieve anything, other days will be almost normal.

With twins, I still had a shower every day - just put them in their cots. I accepted any help from family and friends - they gave bottles, loaded the washing machine, hoovered the house, cleaned the bathrooms. Regardless of help I was dressed every day, either DH or I took the dog for her walks and we ate three meals a day (check out places like COOk yo make things easier)

Either they are exaggerating massively or they had particularly tricky babies.

My baby is 7 months. Right now we are having a hard time because she's decided not to sleep. Last night was the worst of her little life, and I still got 3 hours sleep. I've still showered, made us both breakfast, and when she wakes from her nap we'll have lunch and a dog walk.

I've showered every day of her life (apart from the lazy ones when I didn't feel like it), I go to the gym regularly, I walk my dogs every day, I go to baby groups several times a week and coffee/walks with mum friends on the other days, I cook dinner most days, I do about half the laundry. The vast majority of my mum friends do similar.

There are days when it's hard, especially at first, but you will cope. Getting out of the house is far easier than staying at home, so make sure you do that. And don't underestimate how much better getting showered and dressed makes you feel.

We also bought a Sage coffee machine which has been a godsend!

I'm a few months in. It is hard at times but also easily the best thing I've ever done and you'll be surprised at how quickly you get used to the new things you have to do. Having a supportive, understanding partner helps. DH does more than 50% in his non-working hours as he knows that being home with the baby in the day can be pretty tiring and monotonous. We both shower, still cook and eat nice food, see friends etc. In the early days she slept a lot and I cuddled up and watched a load of netflix and read lots of books. Now she sleeps less in the day but is asleep in the evenings, so we enjoy dinner and a glass of wine together. I had a section and obviously it's different for everyone but I was out and about walking from the day we got home and was consistently walking 4 miles a day after 3 weeks. Baby and I get out loads - cafes, libraries, baby groups, shops, galleries etc. We went to a wedding when she was 4 weeks. We see lots of friends (old and new) and family. Life is lovely really! A lot does depend on the baby and there are plenty of ways life does change (that is unavoidable) but it is not all bad. We can't just pop out for dinner when we like but a family member babysat the other day and we treasured our lunch out far more than we would have done. It's hard OP but it's also really wonderful.

I think we got an easy baby as he slept anywhere and everywhere and loved being in the carrier!! We started baby classes at 3 weeks old and we went to ASDA on day 5 on the way home from the hospital after my c-section!!
I think it is definitely worth doing some batch cooking in advance as I definitely appreciated the months worth of freezer meals that I made in advance!! Takeaways are good too 😂 I remember when I was asking for ideas on food to cook and freeze in here when I was pregnant and so many people were saying I would never be able to eat a hot meal or only be able to eat with one hand though… 🙈🙄
As for work, I wouldn’t be able to do it but I think it probably depends on your personality/health ect.
I’ve talked to a few other mums at toddler classes and we all agree that people who say the baby stage is the hardest are definitely wrong though as babies just lay there and be still whilst toddlers run wild 😂

You might have a week where you barely sleep
You might have a week where you don't leave the house
You might have a week of not being able to Cook

I had a child that at her peak cried for 16-20 hours a day. She certainly wasn't easy. She woke 5-10 times a night. I had severe depression so didn't want to leave the house. They are giving a very extreme example and I can relate to what they say but and it's a big BUT if you looked at my first 3 months from the big picture it didn't look like that. I had awful days sometimes weeks but there were lovely days and many fairly normal and unremarkable weeks.

Thank you to everyone for your replies, this is exactly the type of constructive advice I needed to hear so thank you for taking the time to reply and share your experiences 😊

Thank you for the tips from pre batch cooking, getting out in the fresh air with baby, utilising baby bouncers and prioritising / organisation, utilising baby nap times etc I feel much less anxious now and more prepared on what to expect even though all babies are different 😊

First baby, horrible vaginal birth, could hardly move for a week, but then got out most days, just for little small walks initially, within 3 weeks out for few hour hikes with her in carrier. This was over Xmas too. I went on a walk every single day in January. Explored many parks/countryside within 1hr drive. Started baby groups once a week at around 8 weeks. Lots of holidays abroad in the first year.

Showered 3 or 4 times a week probably. I couldn't shower in the week unless it was in the evening when partner got home & I often chose sleep over shower.

Second baby, now 6 months. C section. She had horrific Colic from 6 weekd until 4 months. So thar meant infrequent Showers, even now I get about 4 a week (2 under 2!), but certainly out. Out walking around the block day 2. Long slow walks when toddler was nursery, with pub lunches one week in. At toddler groups at 5 weeks

I run my own business, but subcontracted 99% . So basically only paying one invoice, occasionally checking email/work phone and I've done a half day of work here and there from 3 months.

They are hugely scaremongering!!

Se babies are HARD. But I have rarely heard of any that approach that level of impossibility.... I did really struggle with having a shower with my first. That was because there was nowhere I could stick her in the room with me so id have had to leave her on her own.... she only contact napped in the early weeks. Basically could only shower when DH was home, and he was away quite a few evenings.

However my boys were both much better sleepers. They insisted on a contact nap in the evening, but were ok to have a morning snooze in the pram in the sitting room. I used to get tidied up, do some meal prep and have a shower.

Even the toughest newborns don't tend to stay that tough for long. Most love a motion nap when tiny - my eldest used to have a snooze on the way to/from baby groups (not for her benefit - I wanted to chat to other mums!) Or in the pram after she was about 5 weeks old, I'd take her in the pram and then park up and reada on a bench once she was asleep.

Housework is hard when you have a clingy newborn. But sod it, you survive and nobody ever died from the level of dust that accumulated in a couple of months!

By all means prep things in advance to make yourself feel more relaxed. It'll help you in the early weeks. But a few months in you'll be coping just fine even if your baby is the "never put me down" variety. You can vacuum with a baby on your shoulder. Simple meals can be prepped with baby in a bouncer/on a mat when they are 6+ weeks. Yes, it is hard to imagine just how much freedom/flexibility you lose when you first become a mother. But they are seriously scare mongering.

I have DC4 due next week. I have NO intention of suddenly failing to take my eldest to school, or of helping my toddlers with the potty or taking them to groups. And although my cooking is never high cuisine, I won't be letting my children starve for the same of my newborn. If the situation was as your family described, nobody would ever manage to have a second child survive!

They're being a bit dramatic but it does very much depend on the baby you have. I would try to drop any expectation of working for at least the first few months, your head really won't be in the game. Even with your partner at home, if the baby is in the house you won't be able to concentrate or get much done. If you're not BF I suppose you might be able to go out for a few hours to work but if you are that probably won't be possible until at least a few months in as their feeding patterns are often quite erratic.

I went out on our first dog walk 2 hours after getting home from hospital despite a fairly shitty birth and subsequent surgery. There wasn't a single day post birth that I didn't go out at least once so that aspect of things is definitely being exaggerated. I always had time to cook/make food/shower/have a drink/do housework etc with support from my husband. Our daughter wasn't a really high needs baby but equally wasn't an easy one - very much middle ground I would say. You just have to be more efficient and make the most of doing things when you can rather than having particular routines.

In terms of sleep, you will get some obviously but adjusting to the disturbed nights takes a while and they go on for a LONG time for most people. I got my first full nights sleep around 8 months (10-6 ish) and have consistently had them (excluding illness) since around 19/20 months. We had a hideous 4 month regression that went on for 3 months but aside from that she's been a fairly good sleeper (all credit to the dummy). Naps are hit and miss timings wise for most until they drop to one nap somewhere between 12 and 18 months. You can't necessarily bank on getting set amount of time on any given day so again, you have to be flexible with what you do when.

It's a tough ride but you'll get through it and find what works for you. Good luck.