Blended family breakdown - Did I make the right choice?

[Bekiboom]

I need some opinions pretty please. I've included a long ish text message chain below. Arlo is my son from a previous relationship and Cora is my HG (intense sickness through pregnancy usually requiring hospitalisation) baby with this person. Am I the ass hole here? As far as I can see I've just done what any parent would in my situation. Especially struggling so much to have a HG baby and have his reaction to her, and my poor boy in all this too. Surely they deserve better. He has just been through a 2 year court case to fight for his kids from a previous relationship for context. In terms of HG, he didn't believe how sick I was and thought I was milking it to not look after my son (completely untrue - I missed him terribly while he was out at his dads because I was too sick to care for him) or do house work. Now 4 months post partum and up until leaving I was still deep cleaning through the mess alone that was left because he refused to pick up the slack and doesn't think he needs to now that I'm healthy (4 months post partum and still can't eat - but course I will look after all the kids and pets (2 dogs, reptiles, guinea pigs) and maintain a 3 storey house alone while also being a literal maid because him and his kids refuse to clean up after themselves because it's my job as mum of the house - talking putting rubbish in the bin, putting their own toys away that kind of thing, super age appropriate if a little babyish for most of them). We have already left the house and are currently sofa surfing with a family member until we find somewhere more permanent with about 4 carrier bags worth of clothes for me and the kids and a bassinet for the baby. I've had to buy everything else as he wouldn't initially let us back to the house for anything.

PS: with hindsight I realise that if I'm not the asshole, we should have left long ago and that is solely based on my decisions in the moment, but we've done it now so silver linings, onwards and upwards

PPS: sorry about the length, but if you can be bothered to take a look, I could really use either some criticism on what I did wrong or reassurance that I made the right choice x

Screenshots are illegible.

You can't see the text messages as they are fuzzy.

Why did you leave?

I can't read the messages either. The photo is too small and when you zoom in they're blurry.

Message thread typed out

Yesterday . 14:34
NOW-EX —Stop messaging my parent you cunt.
Keep it up and I'll start messaging yours

he tries to call

ME - I would like everything written down please

Ex - Message her again and you'll find everything
you own on the back street

Ex-Anything you want to discuss you can call
after 9 once my kids are in bed

Me-I will not be calling. Everything can be
written down please.

Ex-Then we have nothing to discuss

ME Your daughter perhaps?

Ex-I'll do it through the legal route

Me-I sent through what I was willing to give
immediately to your mum earlier.I will
happily forward the message if you didn't
know about it. But if you want to drag
another child through court rather than
behave like a grown up then no problem.
I wilawait the letter. And I will be 100%
honest about everything in court. All of it! Or
we can keep it civil. Up to you!I do need to sort out a time to collect all of my things though And Tuesday is unreasonable and you know
it. I want my stuff. I will involve the police to
recover my property if required

Ex-At no point have I threatened to withhold
your stuff. Kids are still up, you can call after
9

Me-As I said I will not be doing anything
undocumented. Especially now you are
bringing up legal stuff. If you want to see
her, it's not difficult for you to text instead.
I have no issues with it. I just want proof of
everything to protect us both. Fighting his ex
over the last 2 years should've taught us
both that. And no you haven't threatened to withhold it. You've ignored my requests for stuff the kids need and you've given me a tiny
window to pack up a house and get it moved
without somewhere else to put the stuff
available. Fine don't give a fuck about me
and arlo but you should care she doesn't
have what she needs. I have been nothing but reasonable since l've left. I haven't called you names or demanded anything crazy. I haven't
threatened to keep your daughter from
you. I even offered you a reasonable offer
to start with as she is so young and not
used to being away from me and also
your attitude towards her just tells me
she will be neglected if exs kids decide
they want you more. I've seen it happen
time and time again and I will not send my
daughter for mass amounts of time where
you have repeatedly reminded me she isn't
wanted or loved. I have even offered you
the same deal as with my ex. Just go away
we don't want your money or anything. I
will be like we never existed. It's your call.
But just to reiterate, at no point have I
been unreasonable or nasty. I just want to
detangle me and the kids from your ife and
move on with ours

Ex-Not reading your essay. THE KIDS ARE STILL
AWKAE

Me-Then don't. That's your decision. Not mine.
You can bear whatever consequences that
follow

Ex-Right. Haven't seen what your willing to offer
Reasonable? Your the one who lost their shit
out of nowhere, your the one who decided
to leave and then went crying to my parents
(leave them out of it from now on or I will be
in contact with yours with plenty of proof
and have now decided you're not coming back without so much as a discussion about it.
You have until the 15th (any day the girls
aren't here)to remove your things from my
house as that is when you've paid up until,
provided you don't remove anymore money
from the joint account which is for bills only.
Anything still in the house that doesn't
belong to Cora will be put out on the
backstreet on the 16th as I will need the
room to replace the things you take with. If
you remember I threw out ALL of my things
so you could keep yours at your request.
This isn't happening completely on your
terms, I will not be making any split second
decisions when it comes to the future of
my daughter. I will not be bullied into doing
everything your way when it comes to
communication.
Also I have never once said that I don't love
Cora, I have admitted that I struggle with
her at times which is something l've also
seen you do. You have a habit of twisting
everything that comes out of my mouth to
suit your narrative lately. As far as I could see EVERYTHING was getting better and this came out of the blue. Before you turn around and say I kicked you out I asked you to leave Temporarily because you couldn't control your attitude
around the kids. I made the changes you
asked me to after the last argument about
5/6 weeks ago, I put the effort in to be more
affectionate, I paid more attention to you, I
was miles easier on Arlo I helped more with
the house and Cora and I cooked all the
meals, so yea this has fucking blindsided
me. I will not be getting into a texting war
with you and I won't be replying to anything
further tonight.
I will not be extending any olive branches so
if you want to fix this then you can make the
effort.
We were fine before you walked in and had
this family (unintentionally) ripped apart and
we will be fine now You've gone
My phone will be on incase of an emergency
but as l've said I won't be replying to any
further messages tonight

Me-I have offered Wednesday evenings and a
day every other weekend which we can up
as she gets more comfortable and we settle
into the new normal. I am not okay with
overnights yet.
I didn't lose my shit out of nowhere. We
have discussed before yesterday that arlo
and Cora was being treated differently than your kids and I wasn't okay with it. When I broached
it yesterday you said that wasn't going to
change, that you couldn't give a fuck about
him and that she is just your burden that you
didn't want anyway and if I didn't like it then I
should leave.
The only reason I went to your mum is
because I needed things for your daughter
and surprise surprise, she wasn't your
priority again. You haven't even bothered to
ask how she is, if this has bothered her or
upset her routines. You couldn't care less,
you've told me that multiple times. My kids
will not suffer because you've decided not
to check your phone and I am not going to
struggle anymore than we already would.
I have only taken the money saved for my
children and have left the money we saved
for yours alone along with all the money
for the bills and I've no interest in changing
that. Not sure what exactly you can tell my
parents that they don't already now know
from me coming clean about everything, so
go nuts. They don't want to know. Also I have
to message your mum as we have agreed
that I will still send her photos and videos of
Cora and she has even invited me and Cora
for brews whenever. She has done nothing
wrong to me at all so l'm not about to be
shitty with her in any way.
I have already, believe it or not with how
l've been treated through all of this, been
trying to leave as much as I possibly can
and take only what we need so you don't
have to do that. I don't want anyone to suffer
because we couldn't make this work. I have
already sorted that I can leave the fridge for
example, so you don't have to find one and
I don't have to move it. Even now, I'm trying
to be as nice as I can in the transition. Ilf you
remember you gave me your word that you
wouldn't turf us out like this again.

Me-I have not asked for split second decisions
about Cora. I have given you your options
Deliberate all you'd like. The only thing I have
put a rush on is getting our things. That's
been clarified in your previous message. We
have around 10 ish days to find somewhere
to love, pack up, move out and move in. Very
chivalrous of you.
I will not speak to you without proof of it. As
I said before, this is to protect both of us,
not just me. If there's a paper trail, neither
one of us can lie and accuse the other
like has just happened with his ex and all
her accusations. It's all in black and white.
Even your solicitor recommended to keep a
message chain and to speak on the phone
as little as possible.
Yes everything may have been getting better
for you. But I will not sit and be told my child
is hated there and you don't care about him
and his happiness is not your concern. You
also said that you didn't care if he stopped
wanting to live with me. I don't know many
parents that would willingly subject their
child to that indefinitely. You made the goal
posts that everything would get better after
court and then you went back on your word
through fear of upsetting your girls by acting
like a patent. You told me if i didn't like it to
leave. You never said temporarily and why
would I come back and expose my children
to that anyway.
Your care for your daughter is questionable
you haven't been happy with me
when
buying things that she needs to stop her
being in pain, to stop her getting sick and
to stop her freezing this winter. As I recall,
I told you i it was far too cold for her to be
in the attic and you said 1 had to deal with
it because you didn't want your girls being
woken up. But suddenly you are concerned
for her welfare.. sounds like a show of face
to me after hearing how she is just a burden
that you didn't want and you dont care
about her. You can't just go around saying
what you want and expecting the ability to
unsay it, it doesn't work that way.
Almost every time the girls have been thereI
have mentioned their behaviour or said arlo
wouldn't get away with that or straight up
told you I'm not okay with him being treat
different. Just because you didn't listen
or care, it doesn't mean it has not been
mentioned for weeks now. But once again
we were never going to be your priority, even
though you agreed to take on arlo when
you took me and she is yours, so still super
unsure as to why she doesn't make the cut.
I dont want your olive branches. I don't want
to fix this. I want to get me and the kids
set up somewhere with stability, I want to
organise a coparenting schedule and then I
want to speak to you as little as possible.
And twisting narratives, really? Let me ask
you if arimu-fauu and you came to live
in my house, I treat them like shit and told
you to leave with them when you brought
up that you weren't happy and then let
arlo yell at one of them while you
were
packing up, would you be coming back for
more with them? Or would you take them
where they can be loved and appreciated
unconditionally? I can tell you the answer
most sane parents would give. They would
do exactly what I just did.
You don't have to reply but can if you want.
It's just my response. I have no interest in
fighting with you. I have good reasons to
have left and protect especially arlo from
this mess as he quickly turned into almost
everyone's emotional punch bag. I don't
need to justify myself to anyone.

ME - I also deserved to be loved and appreciated
unconditionally. It seems you are unable to
provide that. Fine. But don't expect me or
them to stay for anything less

I have typed them up in a comment reply ☺ my apologies x

It’s impossible to comment just from these messages but what is clear is that it was a bad situation for everyone. So yes you have done the right thing by getting your children out of an environment where there is so much hostility between the adults. The reasons don’t really matter.

It only gets like this when he overparents my son and let's his daughters get away with literal feral behaviour to the point even his family have complaints.

Have I said anything in my last message that is unreasonable from the information you have? I will gladly answer any questions if it will help

Sorry from where it says I have offered Wednesday evenings

Well done for leaving.

Poor Arlo in all this after your HG pregnancy and all these rows.

What would be best for your children?

Can you try to give them a steady life without drama? It sounds toxic.. and in the nicest way possible I think you need to look inwards a bit and try to unravel why you are in this situation. You sound very angry and hurt.. understandably but maybe it's time to take a step back...

Don't reply anymore.. don't seek his responses or drama.. you are hooked on it. Try to think about your happiness and creating a happy childhood for your children xx

Move a bloody long way away from this utter tumour of a man and make seeing his baby as difficult as possible. He couldn’t parent a baby alone. He won’t bother if he has to put in effort. Make sure SUPERVISED access is offered in a centre that he has to pay for.

Well done on finding the strength to leave, but now you really need to go very formal and not react, don’t swear, don’t rehash, you have to learn to grey rock. Have feelings by all means but don’t let them be ammunition for him.
You know you’ve done the right thing, your children deserve to be in a relaxing, respectful home life. Good luck. I’m

It is clear your relationship has become unbelievably toxic. Leaving is unlikely to be a mistake.

being so verbose in your communication absolutely is a mistake. You don’t need to waste time and energy arguing with him. You are correct that keeping a text record is best for court, but the record you are creating right now does not make you look good.

only contact him if necessary. Don’t keep arguing about the reasons you left. If you aren’t going back, there is no point.

Your child - Arlo is not being ‘over parented’ he is being abused.

You did the right thing. Focus entirely on the children now, no more messages, and finding a safe place to live. I would collect everything with your parents helping, and tell him to only communicate through solicitors from now on.

Be mindful of trusting his mother op, her loyalty will be to him ultimately, but she may pretend otherwise to keep in contact with Cora.

Get your stuff as soon as you can. Keep communication to that. Wait and see whether he even asks to see the baby. If he does follow formal procedures.

But as others said stop any discussion now.

He sounds revolting OP. Well done for your strength and courage. Especially 4 months postpartum! You've done amazing and have made the best decision for you and your children.. no matter how tricky it might be moving and settling somewhere else you are a million miles better off without this awful awful man.

This sounds awful based on the messages, OP!
I hope you, Arlo and Cora are ok.
I too would have left, there's no way you could have parented and had a healthy relationship with this Man.
Gently, stopped writing long lengthy messages - he won't reply properly too them and I doubt will read them at all. You can not communicate with someone like this. I honestly wouldn't contact him again for now, unless to confirm moving your things out. Keep absolutely silent on anything else, yes you're right to keep everything written down but start that officially through solicitors - not lengthy text messages.
I really hope things work out for you, it will take time and likely be incredibly difficult but you and the kids will be so much happier

P.S) Answer to your question in the opening title. YES you 100% made the right decision.

Get your stuff out asap, even if it means using a self storage facility for a while.

Thankyou to you all for your advice and opinions. He almost had me convinced that I was over reacting even though it did feel wrong still. I appreciate your kind words more than you know.

I am riddled with anxiety about starting the legal process knowing he's dealt with the courts the last 2 years and knows loopholes and all sorts. I am currently still unable to get my things until he says it's convenient. His daughter doesn't even have her bath that is her favourite place to play right now. We are having to do her in the big bath with no toys. He isn't allowing me to go back for the big pram (I left with the doona) and he hasn't let me go back for school uniforms for arlo. Thankfully I've spoken to school and they had some spare lying around so we have just gotten away with it.

I understand the not replying and I understand I shouldn't. It's just so hard when I know he will use all these messages in court and he is twisting things. He's put all the onus on me when he was screaming in my face to 'fucking leave', like I could even stay there with the kids after that. I just don't want them to believe what he says is gospel and that is how it happened because it makes me look like the bad guy and I was just trying to protect the kids from the toxic!

You are completely right. It's been a while since I've been able to say the truth without sugar coating it or just not being allowed to say it at all. I feel like we were just kept around to paint the happy family picture to the courts to get his kids back and then the minute he won he turned into everything she had accused him of.

I feel so guilty standing by him against her seeing what I've now seen.

To the bin with him.