Child’s extreme anxiety since seperation. HELP!!!

[Blastfromthepast101]

So me and my children’s dad split up about 18 months ago after 6 years of being in a financial and emotionally abusive relationship. To preface He has never been abusive to the kids only to me and I have only spoken highly of my childrens dad to them. When we first split up, he insisted on seeing the children 3 weekends a month and one week day overnight which he did to control me basically. It was an awful situation but he quickly got a new girlfriend who insisted 4 or 5 months ago that I was being nasty by their dad by making him see see them so much so it reduced to two nights a fortnight. Still fine.

my son (6) and daughter (5) adapted fine to the separation and seemed to be happy until the hours reduced. My youngest is still okay but my son has developed a real anxiety. He has always been A thoughtful little boy and hesitant at times but he has developed a real anxiety with a lot of things. He’s been feeling sick most mornings going to school, he even fainted at the end of the school year during a test because he was so worried, he is in floods of tears when his dad leaves and I mean you cannot console him to the point where I have to give him a hug and kiss and leave because otherwise it will be 2 hours of him crying if I stay around, he’s been having emotional outbursts. Being rude, sassy, emotional etc and I’m at my wits end. I want to help but I don’t know what to do.

the things I have done so far is I’ve convinced his dad to have him once a fortnight on a Wednesday as well as weekends, reduced my working week from full time to 3 days (cannot afford it in the slightest), I’ve ordered books on different families and how they look different and seperation, I’ve been having half termly meetings with the school where a counsellor will discuss his feelings and then relay what he’s said back to me, have implemented a new stricter punishment system which also rewards good behaviour. I don’t know what else to do. I’m at my wits end and I feel emotionally exhausted. I worry that it’s going to effect him in the long run but I’m running out of ideas. Please help?!!

I think it's going to take time. I'm not sure he needs punishments but empathy, compassion and patience. Does he want you to leave him inconsolably crying, when he's crying about big feelings of loss already? I think I'd do the opposite and try to help him regulate. Are you being taught any approaches to help him feel safe? I had terrible anxiety when my parents split. I couldn't put it into words for years but ended up being educated outside the system as I couldn't cope with leaving my mum. I remember desperately wanting to be cuddled and told it would all be OK, that no one was going to leave me etc.

@Isthisexpected sorry I just meant punishment for general behaviour not that of anxiety. I’ve had a lot more rudeness and in acceptable behaviour since which I assume is linked but it’s directly targeting that. Also when he’s inconsolable, I’ll have a chat with him, explain what’s happened, give him a cuddle etc so I will give him a cuddle after and a kiss and have to leave otherwise he will be crying for hours if I’m trying to stop him. If I leave he will calm down within minutes. It’s not nice but unfortunately he shares a bedroom with his sister so I don’t feel it’s fair for him to cry for hours. He keeps saying I just want everybody to live together and it breaks my heart

For some children, it actually gives them security if you tone down all the talk about feelings/talk about their anxiety etc. It’s as if it actually feeds the anxiety and makes it worse, if they think it’s serious enough to get you concerned. I was told to be very matter of fact with one of my children, because of this. It’s the only thing that has ever helped and even as a young adult I need to do it still. School also realised they needed to do it. She was diagnosed with ASD, and I was told this is relatively common.

Stop punishing, use only positive reinforcement for a time (except if there is hitting).

How can crying ever not be 'fair'? He can't help his feelings. The more you listen to him the more his feelings will reduce.

His father has been extremely cruel and the impact on your son is understandable.

@MidnightOnceMore we talk about it for up to maybe 20 minutes when his dad leaves. I give him a chance to talk about his feelings and I explain about what’s happened, after that I’m just repeating myself and he keeps getting himself worked up. I’ve tried a few ways and unfortunately it’s the only way. I tried pandering to it up until the point he goes to sleep but by that point it nears 10pm sometimes and we all have school/work.

the worst thing about his dad is that he’s a Disney dad and I’ve never said a bad word so he’s confused why we don’t live together/ why his dad sees him so infrequently. He says stuff like ‘why do we spend all of our time with you but not dad’ and it’s difficult to explain

@221BBakerSt i was wondering this. This is the approach I have taken in the last week or so as I feel like I’ve ran out of options but was wondering if it was counterproductive. It makes sense though