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Parenting

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Original poster

Have you felt this too?

20 replies

Snowdrop89 · 27/10/2023 18:32

I don’t even know why I’m posting this. I think I just need other people to tell me this is ok and they’ve felt this too. I have 3 young children and a husband who takes no initiative. I have all the mental loads and a lot of the physical load. I have a full time responsible, stressful job. I’m exhausted & I’m desperate for a break. The 1 year old still breastfeeds at bed time and early morning. My in-laws are shite and don’t seem to understand (or care) that I’m on my knees & need a break. Don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to who gets it. Freedom from what feels like a nightmare feels years away… just needed a safe space to break down 😢 Feel like I want to run away xxx

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Cloudburstings · 27/10/2023 18:38

Occasionally. But I’ve been very firm with DH from the arrival of DC1 that he had to step up and do his bit.

we split things up according to skill set so I do most of the emotional side of parenting and the planning. I’m the lead parent despite a full Ona ms demanding job.

he’s great at admin though and long term planning. And keeping the house annd our stuff in order. Insurance uo to date etc.

And he’s a high earner so we through money at support we need (no extended family help here either) we have a nanny and cleaner for example.

you have a DH problem

the only question is, how have you got in as deep as three DC before you realise this?

time to sit him down and say enough is enough.

tomorrow is the first day of a new way of life for him, or it will be if he wants to keep his marriage.

he needs to man up and do his bit.

if I were you I’d booka. Weekend away alone first and have that discussion when I got back.

Original poster

Snowdrop89 · 27/10/2023 18:50

@Cloudburstings Oh I have tried so many times to sit him down and explain and he just doesn’t get it…

OP posts:

Noicant · 27/10/2023 18:57

Not really but tbh we only have one child. We also don’t have family near us so on our own. DH also is a hand on father who actively organises his work life around DD as much as he can and the spare time he has is devoted to her.

Was he always like this? Because I think if this has always just been the way it is it’s going to be pretty hard to change things.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1 year olds Families General parenting

jedwardscissorhands27 · 27/10/2023 18:57

Yes I hear you. It's really hard when you have no support and never get a break. My dh does help but needs instructions. Sometimes it's just easier to do it myself. And his idea of childcare is sat with dd while she watches tv or plays on her own. He doesn't take the initiative to take her out or actively play with her.

I have older dc too so it's a real juggling act and we haven't had a night off since dd was born two years ago as we have no family support. It feels never ending, everyday is a slog with very little opportunity for anything adult/enjoyable.

But I think this is the reality of life with young dc. Yes some people have it a hell of a lot easier if they have family who help out, allowing them to recharge and have a break. I think that would genuinely make a big difference to us. But it's just not an option sadly. You're not alone.

Cloudburstings · 27/10/2023 18:57

So leave him to it for a while then.

Seriously.

book as nice a place as you can afford for tomorrow night (hell, maybe tonight too?)

go and text him from there saying you are exhausted and need a break and you’ll see him Monday evening.

have you ever left him to parent them himself?

if he really isn’t going to change you may as well shift right along to LTB

at least that way you’d get two weekends off a month

Original poster

Snowdrop89 · 27/10/2023 19:06

@Noicant he’s got worse. But it’s also got harder as we’ve gone from 1 to 2 to 3 children. The hardest thing is him sighing at me like I’m making a fuss when I say I’m struggling and I just can’t keep doing this

OP posts:

Original poster

Snowdrop89 · 27/10/2023 19:10

@jedwardscissorhands27 Yes, he will help but grudgingly and only really if I ask, and he needs instructions & he sighs at me like a teenager when I ask for help. It infuriates me - why doesn’t he see me non-stop & just feel like he should help? Why does he feel it’s ok to sit on his arse on the sofa on his phone while I don’t stop all day and all evening? I’m sorry you struggle too. It’s so tough. I see you mama and I know just how hard you work for your little ones. It’s relentless x

OP posts:

calimc83 · 27/10/2023 19:46

@Snowdrop89 I feel just like you at the moment. I have a 6 year old, 4yr old and a 6 month old. I'm still on Mat leave and I dread to think how I'm going to cope when I get back to work. I get that I should be doing more than my fair share when I'm off work but still, some input fromDH would be helpful, he just sits on his phone all evening. Can see me running about, making tea, trying to feed the older 2 plus baby, and also enjoying the dishwasher/washing machine, then running the baths, when that's all done I'll then make our tea. It's the mental load as well, the school admin. Sorting parties/play dates. Getting homework done, doing the reading. Annnoys me as he knows they need to read every night but I'm like 'DH please do the reading with our DS'..feel like I'm nagging him on top of nagging DS. I just want him to take the initiative...
We had yet another argument last night as he feels his 'days off' are completely his to see, how he sees fits ( so he might go out all day walking for example) which tbh I don't mind every now and then but he seems to think he can have a day off from parenting when he's off work. As he's a shift worker he's very lucky in that his days off often fall mid week, eldest 2 at school so he's gets soo much free time. He always comes out with 'well I work full time' whenever I complain/ask him to do more..
My free time is a trip to Aldi without any kids 😫..takes the piss..

muddlingthrou · 27/10/2023 21:56

I'm genuinely curious how you ended up with three children? If he's always been like this, weren't you afraid to get pregnant after the first child?

Ibravedaflood · 27/10/2023 21:59

My exh never lifted a finger. His dps sat there holding our brand new ds while I made a full roast dinner.. Twats all of them.
When I say brand new as in on that day old..

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/10/2023 22:10

Why are you expecting more of your in laws than your husband? Presumably you both decided to have 3 children and all the work that comes with them. It’s his job to step up and be useful, to care - physically, mentally, emotionally - for the lives he’s created. If he won’t I imagine life will be easier without him as at least you won’t expect him to pitch in with the constant disappointment when he won’t. And you won’t have another adult to clear up after.

If my husband couldn’t be arsed parenting our kids I wouldn’t respect, like, fancy, or want to be with him. So many women find life easier without the millstone of a selfish, useless, lazy prick of a man around letting them down and sucking the joy out of life.

How damaging for the children to know dad doesn't care enough about them to play a meaningful part in their lives. That’s done now as you presumably kept hoping he’d improve with each new baby. But you can get him out from under your feet. I’d do that.

IsleofDen · 28/10/2023 11:43

I have 3, I have a DP that does help, although he works a lot and DS has ASD and is a lot of mental work to keep calm, he’s also on a very limited timetable at school, so I have literally 6 hours a week without him.

It's hard, but I leave DP with the kids for a day once or twice a month so that I can chill out, reset and come back capable of carrying on.

Downtime is vital, it makes me a better parent and it’s often my DP who says “time for you to go out” when he notices my patience is running thin.

You need to be honest with DH, tell him you need a break and just go.

MrsSkylerWhite · 28/10/2023 11:45

You mention only your ILs. Do you have parents/siblings?

Original poster

Snowdrop89 · 28/10/2023 12:19

@MrsSkylerWhite Unfortunately not…

OP posts:

Devilsmommy · 28/10/2023 12:22

Ibravedaflood · 27/10/2023 21:59

My exh never lifted a finger. His dps sat there holding our brand new ds while I made a full roast dinner.. Twats all of them.
When I say brand new as in on that day old..

😱😱😱 completely understand why he's an ex

MrsSkylerWhite · 28/10/2023 12:22

In which case, serious talk needed.

NuffSaidSam · 28/10/2023 12:24

It's sounds like you need to go on strike OP. Sit down on the sofa next to him and look at your phone.

Devilsmommy · 28/10/2023 12:26

@Snowdrop89 as your little one is bf, can you just take him somewhere overnight and leave the other 2 with their dad. I know it's not a complete break but better than nothing surely. Your dh needs to see how it is for you. If my DH sighed at me for asking for help I'd kill him (literally, not figuratively)

NuffSaidSam · 28/10/2023 12:26

Ibravedaflood · 27/10/2023 21:59

My exh never lifted a finger. His dps sat there holding our brand new ds while I made a full roast dinner.. Twats all of them.
When I say brand new as in on that day old..

He sounds awful, but I hope you've addressed whatever it was in your character that made you do this. You need to have more respect for yourself too. You can't rely on other people to have that respect for you.

Walkacrossthesand · 28/10/2023 12:38

At the very least, stop doing his laundry/ironing/errands - do absolutely nothing that benefits him only, maybe start eating with the DC & not making dinner for him - hammer the point home that you are not a domestic appliance.

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