Why is she like this with me?

[Skylaar]

DD (17m) is fantastic with everyone but me. I get it, non-communicative toddlers are frustrated, trying to be autonomous, pushing boundaries, etc. I don't expect a perfectly well behaved under 2 year old or anything close to. But with literally anyone but me, she will be a "normal toddler" as described above, with tantrums easily redirected and otherwise fairly contented. Take this morning with me though. We've been to a toddler group followed by the supermarket, around 2.5 hours worth of time. In that time we had 6 "throw myself to the floor, scream and thrash around" meltdowns. One because I picked her up at the toddler group, one because we had to put the toys away, one for no apparent reason, one in the supermarket trolley again for no apparent reason, and two getting out of the car both at the supermarket and back home. DP has only recently begun to witness the extent of the behaviour I get, and he is legitimately shocked because he doesn't even get a quarter of what I get. Same goes for his mum. I know children supposedly play up more for their mums but she loses her shit over, and I really mean, absolutely nothing when with me. She'll be happily playing (not struggling with anything) and look to me, I'll smile at her and bang, she's thrown herself back, kicking and screaming. It's like my presence is simultaneously fundamentally necessary to her but also winds her up no end. I'm getting to the end of my tether with it now which is unfortunate because I'm her primary caregiver probably 80% of the time due to DP working long shifts. Nothing I do works to mitigate it.

Oh OP that must be so tough.

I’d say try your best not to take it personally, especially as a girl I think she is really testing you and pushing boundaries. They do tend to be better with their dads/others and act out for mums. I know lots of friends and family who had the same with theirs.

How do you respond when she has these tantrums? Is there any different technique you could try that might discourage her from doing it? Failing that it might just be a case of sticking through it until she gets older. I know that’s not a great thing to hear though.

I guess it depends what it's over, for the most part I'll stay calm, stay 'chirpy' and just try to do what DP does (that works) and redirect her towards something else. Or if she's gone way past that point I'll pick her up (amid all the thrashing) and kind of cuddle her while I walk around/sway/rock with her to try and calm her down with movement. I'm not going to lie in that sometimes I am evidently, undeniably frustrated and have on a handful of occasions raised my voice (not shouted, but in a loud enough tone for her to hear me over the screaming), that inevitably makes it worse so I really try to keep a lid on it but honestly my overall patience and tolerability has been ground down so much by the relentless mood swings I deal with 5-6 days a week.

Of course you raise your voice, don’t beat yourself up about that. Kids can be relentless as you said yourself and even the most calm people struggle at times 🫶🏻

Does the cuddling work to calm her down? Is there any chance she’s doing it to get attention/cuddles? Not saying you don’t give her any but I wonder what she’s trying to get out of this.

I think staying chirpy and distracting her is a great technique. You could try ignoring her if that doesn’t work. Of course still keep an eye and make sure she’s safe but maybe let her scream it out and she might stop if she’s not getting the attention she wants? Just a thought, I know you might have tried that already and sometimes it just doesn’t work

It takes a while but cuddles will often help. I had worried she was doing it for attention but I do try to stay engaged with her when she's playing, I'll offer to sit and read with her or offer her cuddles (which she doesn't usually want but she will still comfort feed instead which feels like it's about 4 million times a day at the moment). It's like she's going through something, maybe like you'd expect if there was a new baby in the picture or she'd started nursery or whatever, but none of that is applicable so I don't know what's going on. The only change is I've gone back to work usually 1 day a week and it means I'm out of the house literally all day (12 hours) but I'm otherwise the one to be with her the vast, vast majority of the rest of the time so I'm wondering whether that 1 day could really be having such a profound impact. I've also tried ignoring her, again when I'm having a moment of needing a second to muster a slither of patience again, but she basically becomes hysterical by that point. Again I know toddlers don't but she literally has zero self regulation ability still.

Bless you this must be so draining. If you think it seems like a reaction to you going back to work then I think you could be onto something. You know her best after all. As she was used to being with you basically 24/7 before I’m guessing? So that definitely could be it. If it is that then good news is it should pass fairly soon. Make sure you look after yourself too (although I know that’s hard). You’re the best mama for her and one day this will be a distant memory and no doubt you two will be super close 💕