How to set boundaries? And what are they?

[JustCosy]

After reading a thread on the homepage (children being allowed to run feral - RE gentle parenting) I have realised that I have a slight issue that I would like to work on resolving.

I have a lovely 3 year old, very well behaved 90% of the time.
But I have become aware of my issue around discipline. I did not have a very nice childhood, and this seems to reflect in my behaviour whilst parenting. I feel an abnormal amount of guilt if I discipline my child, especially if it results in him crying and asking for a cuddle. I don't shout but try to get on his level and explain why it's wrong etc. I am very patient and will avoid telling him off whenever possible.

But I think he is learning to manipulate me 😅 I am making the mistake of interjecting whenever his Dad is trying to discipline him, even though I know his Dad is doing the right thing. I start worrying that our son will be 'damaged' in some way by being told off so I jump in and try to downplay any bad behaviour by making excuses for his behaviour.

I am very aware that this is a me issue, my son is fab, but I do not want to shape his behaviour by not having any boundaries or authority.

My question is, how do I set boundaries? What kind of discipline is appropriate, and how do I overcome the worry of 'damaging' him just because I've told him no.

As stated he is very well behaved most of the time, I've got no concerns with his behaviour, it is my behaviour that is the problem 😔

It’s not unreasonable to sometimes disagree with your partner’s style of discipline. But it’s important to have a united front and speak to your partner about it after the event so your ds doesn’t learn to play you guys off one another. I know this is easier said that done.

Give your ds a consequence for his bad behaviours and always carry out what you say. So e.g. don’t say if you don’t tidy up your toys we’re not going to the cinema tomorrow when the tickets are already paid for and you are still probably going to the cinemas if he doesn’t tidy up the toys. Set a consequence that you can stick to.

Tbh most parents have their hang ups and the fact you are aware of potential mistakes and are making an effort to work on it is a good thing.

Agree you need to be on the same page as your partner, but try not to interject once they've started.

I would add, I'm quite conscious of not saying 'no' 'dont do that' etc all the time as it can dilute what's really important from what's not. So for things around the house I try and flip the consequence to a benefit that you were going to do anyway e.g. 'when you've tidied your toys, then we can watch one episode of Bluey' 'after you've put your shoes on, then we can go outside to play' - maybe this will help you worrying about telling him 'no' ?

Then there are absolute non negotiables, like holding my hand by the road or in the car park. If she doesn't want to she gets carried or put in the buggy end of story.