Tired of motherhood

[luw7797]

I am so tired of motherhood. My baby is 9 months old, she was such a difficult newborn, cmpa, colic, silent reflux - it was hell. I would look at my bedroom window and think if I just jump it’ll all be over. DP was useless, refused to help me at all with the nights, he took 5 unpaid months off work which he spent sleeping until the afternoon and playing video games. He watched me sobbing, tired to the point of hallucinations, barely able to walk after my c section and he still barely helped me. He has apologised many times for this and has improved somewhat but things are still often a battle with him. If he does look after the baby he is so quick to try and give her back to me, he treats him having her whilst I cook her dinner in the evening almost as a favour to me, it’s like he sees that as him giving me a break. If I just want some time to myself within 5 minutes it’s “let’s go find mummy” or he comes to me and says “look she needs her mummy”. I’m so tired of it. I haven’t had more than a couple of hours break since she was born. My parents are not in the picture and DPs parents, although lovely, have not been as willing to babysit as they made out whilst I was pregnant. Baby still doesn’t sleep, her best ever night has been three wake ups, she has never ever slept through. She is so clingy, I can’t put the washing out or cook dinner unless I’m holding her. She will manage 10 mins in her jumperoo on a good day and then scream the place down. I struggle so much to get the basic housework done, I know I could baby wear but she is heavy for her age and it makes a job take so much longer, I know longer is better than not at all but I’m so burnt out and tired I feel like I just dont have it in me! DP is constantly making little comments about how I never do the washing (not true but yes I could get more done) or about how I haven’t hoovered/dusted in X amount of time.
I just feel like I’m failing. I go to sleep dreading the next day. I love my little girl so so so much and I am so grateful to have her but I am finding motherhood so hard at the minute, sometimes I just want to run away.

I'm sorry you married a man-child. He sounds utterly useless. 9 months is still very early and is the peak age for separation anxiety. It does get better even though it might not feel like it right now

Can I suggest that if she's not sleeping, you put her in bed with you? It's what I did and being able to sleep makes a big difference.

Your shitty husband is the problem here, not motherhood or the baby. What an absolute useless prick! What exactly does he bring to your life?

Your baby sounds very like DS was and it was hell. Fortunately DH was brilliant and did his fair share but I still found it so hard so I can only imagine what it is like for you. I can’t believe he took 5 months off work and didn’t do 50% of the baby care!

If it helps the moment my frustrated, angry, clingy baby started walking at 10.5 months he transformed into the loveliest, happiest, most well behaved child you could imagine and parenting has been a breeze since really. Sleep took longer to conquer but he got there in the end and those days are a distant memory now.

It is so so tiring but the good news is you’ve done the first 9 months and it’ll soon get a bit easier. I remember crying at this stage with my first. It’s unbelievable how demanding it is. You are doing an amazing job. Your DH sounds quite useless. But ignoring that, you sound incredible.

Are you returning to work? This can give you a break. And you could also find a babysitter to give you a professional break here and they. A 9 month old can enjoy another caregiver, it doesn’t have to be all you.

I returned to work when my first was 10 months and he slept through at 12 months. So this kind of break could be just around the corner for you!

The baby isn't the problem. That pathetic man is.

Get back to work and share the childcare cost.
I lasted four months.

Your husband is the problem. He sounds useless. Why is he bothering you about housework? Doesn't he do any himself? If so, why not?

Your husband is the problem here OP. He should be looking after his child so you can go do something for yourself. It would make a huge difference to you.

My baby boy had d erything your girl did, and after having ivf to have him and a horrendous traumatic birth ending in emergency c sec, it felt like some cosmic joke that we'd also get a difficult baby! I could not have done it all without my husband, he only had 2 weeks off but I didn't have to worry about any housework whatsoever, or cooking. I started cooking again out of choice as it was for me a break from a crying bubs, but with the hormones let down and inevitable baby blues I'd have been feeling like you if it was all on me. Your husband has massively met you down, you're a saint to forgive him and move on tbh. You've done amazing caring for a refluxy cmpa baby on your own, it is relentless and thankless, and the mind fuck of loving them so much but also feeling cheated out of what you pictured when pregnant is so so hard.

I'm so sorry you're finding it so hard. My DD1 also didn't sleep and it was brutal, she also had various gastric issues and was a velcro baby. I would definitely recommend getting a sling/carrier so that you can put her in it while you do other things. Although what really jumps out is how unhelpful and unsupportive your DP is, if he's not helping with the baby then he should be doing the housework. It might be worth talking to your GP or HV if you think you might have PND, though it might just be sleep deprivation and being overwhelmed because you don't have much support. Are you able to get out to any local baby groups, or even just to meet up with friends for a coffee? I found it so reassuring talking to other mum's who were going through or had been through it. Hang in there, it will pass.

I remember feeling what you are feeling. I went back to work part time when my DS was 5 months old just to get a break and he went to a childminder. I would also book the childminder for a day when I wasn't working for a 'me' day and to recharge my batteries. Luckily I had an amazing childminder. Don't feel guilty. Many mums will be feeling like this especially with a husband like yours who doesn't help much. Book a day off and tell him he has to have the baby for the day! 💐💐

DS1 was like this. Unsettled velcro babies are so hard. I only survived by having the most incredible DH who did 90% + of household chores as well as regularly taking DS1 outside of work hours.

Your baby will settle down, probably with more independence. It will get easier on that front. 9-12 months was probably the peak of awfulness outside of the newborn period. But don’t have any more kids with this useless man.

Useless man child. Have a frank conversation in which you outline your expectations again and if they are not met have a serious think about whether you would be better off without him - what does he even bring to the table? Also: When are you going back to work? Would you look into gentle sleep training or co sleeping? Could you join a gym with a creche? Prioritise rest over housework and get the basics done but nap when baby naps if you can. Is there a close friend or another family member that could watch baby for an hour or 2 whilst you have some time to yourself? It’s bloody hard and you’re doing incredibly.

Hi all, thank you for your lovely replies you have all been so kind and given me hope that it does get better!

I’ve decided not to go back to work and instead I started a degree in September, before mat leave I only worked a minimum wage retail job and it’s turned out that student finance has ended up being about the same per month as I was earning there. DD comes to lectures with me (which is a whole other stress, I mostly don’t attend and catch up at home once she’s in bed) as she’s still EBFing on demand and refuses a bottle. We’re persevering with a sippy cup and as soon as I feel confident enough that she’ll actually take her milk she will be with a childminder on the days I have uni. As much as I’ll miss her I am looking forward to it.

As sad as it sounds I only really have one mum friend, who I met at a group for struggling mums that my health visitor referred me for when DD was still a newborn. She is lovely and I’m very glad to have her, we meet up every few weeks. I moved an hour away from my home town to live with DP, which also meant leaving my friends behind so I don’t really see anyone else. I will try to get out more and attend more mum groups, it feels hard to get out of the house but I’ve always enjoyed groups once I’m actually there.

Regarding DP, it is a huge shame because he was an amazing, loving, kind partner before baby was born. He really is my best friend and there are redeeming qualities that make me stay. He admitted to me not long ago that when DD was born he found it really hard to bond with her and that he was very overwhelmed with fatherhood and how this was his life now. I can understand this but I still feel a huge amount of bitterness and resentment, no matter how I felt I would never have done to him what he did to me. He does some housework, he will do the washing if I’ve not had chance for a good few days and he will do general tidy ups but nothing more really. I can tell he thinks I should just get the jobs done (as he’s always making his little comments, which if I call him out on they’re just “jokes”). I will have (another!) chat with him about this and I think I will see about having some relationship counselling. I don’t think he actually understands the load I take on and hopefully a third party influence will make him understand a bit more.

Your husband is the problem. Do his parents see you/the baby often? I'd be interested to know their thoughts on their son's behaviour. If you're able to, might be worth having a chat with them to see if they can talk some sense into him OR step up where he won't. You shouldn't have to deal with all this alone. If none of them are willing to help, you should consider if it will be easier alone (spoiler alert: it will be, except for maybe financially).

Your partner actually names my blood boil. I would have a very frank conversation with him where you say what you have told us here. Tell him he needs to change his attitude and start parenting with you and share housework. ask him is he able and willing to do that as you wont be running the show by yourself any longer.

My youngest is 9 months old and EBF on demand he isn’t pushed about a bottle or cup. You can leave her at this age for a few hours even if she won’t take milk from bottle or cup. My youngest is 9 months old and will be happy and content with some solid’s until I get back to him.

Tbh I highly doubt your partner was great before baby- did he do half the housework? I suspect he was crap before and it didn’t matter that much to you then.
I’d leave and let him have the baby half the time

Tbh I highly doubt your partner was great before baby- did he do half the housework? I suspect he was crap before and it didn’t matter that much to you then.
I’d leave and let him have the baby half the time

@Magicfairycake His parents see us every week or two for a few hours. His dad is the type to not get involved in anything, refuses to take sides etc. His mum has had chats with him here and there about helping more, saying his dad helped with nights etc when he was a baby. It’s not really made any difference though. They don’t baby sit much at all, maybe three times for a couple of hours since she was born. Whenever we ask they always conveniently have something else on so they can’t do it. The few times they have agreed have been for big “events”, eg they had her for a couple of hours on Valentine’s Day so we could go to a restaurant. I don’t see them ever babysitting just so I can chill out for a bit unfortunately.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers To be honest you’re probably right. I only had one serious relationship prior to DP which was extremely controlling and emotionally abusive. I guess after that a man doing the bare minimum would seem like an amazing loving partner. House work definitely used to be more equal, probably not 50/50 but I think in his mind mat leave is staying at home all day so I should be the one to do it. I don’t plan on leaving him unless it really really gets to breaking point, if it comes to that I want to be able to say to DD I really tried everything to make it work. All on this thread though have really given me a lot of food for thought and I’m not going to just let him get away with it anymore.

@Crunchingleaf I’d have to leave her from 8am to 5pm three days a week as uni is 9-4 and 45 minutes drive from me. Has your little one been okay for that long? If I only did half days I wouldn’t be so worried but with it being the majority of her waking hours I don’t want her to be without milk for that long.

I mean technically he had 5 months paternity leave yet he didn't pull his weight with the housework. I'm sorry you've ended up with such a pathetic, lazy man. You deserve so much better and so does your child.

Would you perhaps consider moving back to where your friends and support network are? You seem to have given up a lot for someone who isn't really willing to make any sacrifices for you.

OP, your comment about wanting to jump out of the window is concerning. Have you had a chat with your GP about baby blues? From a practical perspective, have you considered deferring your studies for a year to take the pressure off? Would your DP help fund P/t nursery hours so that you could get out for a bit of P/t work? At 9 months your Dd is presumably weaned, can she top up with formula so that you don’t need to worry about milk? I can see your DP is the problem of course, he sounds rubbish, sorry.

i just think that having a baby can be really very hard. And it’s worse without support systems and local friends / family. But you don’t want to make any rash decisions at this point re relationship. I’d just focus on getting through it and to a point where you have a bit more balance yourself in your life.

Sometimes I think having a lot of people pointing out that your partner is crap just makes it all feel a lot worse because this is the situation you are in and you want things to get better but not by wrecking your life to do that.

I think you should find a babysitter that you can use regularly for a bit of a breather. Could you and your partner afford this?