How to deal with tantrums at 15 months

[BabaganooToo]

DS has just turned 15 months. He is no stranger to a big ol' tantrum - they've been going on for months and I'm starting to wonder if I'm handling them correctly... or if there's another way. I do feel like it's super early for these kind of behaviours, and I do worry about them... this week he's started not just crying and throwing himself but grabbing me quite angrily too 😕

He usually tantrums because he can't do something he wants e.g play with the dog, use the vacuum, open the fridge etc. Don't get me wrong we absolutely do these things with him, but there's times when we can't.

Anyway, I'm basically just picking him up and comforting him when he's crying (if that's what he wants, he often tries to come to me then runs away). I don't know if this is the right thing to do - should I be ignoring him a bit more? I'm historically very soft with him (massive PFB) and I know I can't control this behaviour but I would like to minimise them. It's absolutely exhausting. They're happening a LOT. He doesn't do it at nursery or with anyone else. Just me and his dad. Is this cause for concern?

Any and all advice welcome!

You should absolutely be 'soft' with a 15 month old- he's basically still a baby, and figuring things out! Developmentally he won't be able to understand why e.g. he can't open the fridge if he's been allowed to another time, etc. Comforting him is absolutely the right call. I recommend Philippa Perry's 'The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read'.

@BurbageBrook thank you. It feels like the right thing to do! I just question myself sometimes... I will give that book a go 😊

Agree with this. Around that age I said things like “do you need a cuddle?” And held my arms out and explained why they couldn’t open the fridge/make a mess/lick the dog or whatever it was. Toddlers can’t regulate their emotions so I find the soft approach to be the best way. We will all absolutely lose our shit at times which is normal too. But a good old cuddle goes a long way 💜

Also try a distraction.

Appear to be very excited about it yourself and run off while asking him to see it too!

IMO every time he gets lots of cuddles during a tantrum you're teaching him that a tantrum is a good thing and a way to get lots of positive attention. If he's grabbing you angrily then that is not ok even if he is little. You wouldn't want him doing that with children at nursery for example.

I don't think it's too early to be teaching that this isn't ok, but as soon as it stops we can move on and do something fun. So I'd first try - we can't open the fridge (and simple explanation why) but we can do x, y or z. If a tantrum follows then remain upbeat, 'as soon as you're ready we can do x, y or z'. Then wait for him to be ready. I would also say clearly 'ouch, don't grab me like that please as it hurts' if he does grab you. This is what I did with ds and it worked brilliantly, but of course remaining calm and consistency is key - and being prepared to be like a broken record until it clicks!

@itsmyp4rty oh yeah I do that too! Sorry that wasn't clear. The anger is new and I do find it concerning, but luckily it's only happened with me so far. I normally say "please don't hit mummy" or something similar and set him down. It doesn't go on for long at all thankfully just a quick moment of anger. Still not great though 😕

I've found keeping upbeat sometimes helps, but it is hard sometimes when it's the 500th tantrum of the day!

Distraction rarely works anymore. Going outside or upstairs does sometimes but it's not always possible if I'm in the middle of something.

Just hoping it's all a phase...

stay calm, hold space for him and boundaries.

My second baby is the same at 1 year old, and I think it's normal. I just try to be gentle and kind, but hold onto the boundary. I have learned its important to let them have their feelings (but that doesn't mean giving into them, rather having empathy with them). I am doing the same with my 3 year old to be honest because he still has plenty of tantrums. But I'm often pleased to see when he comes out the other side, he articulates his feelings really well, and I'm hoping that's a result of this strategy. The word that sums it up for me is to be "unflappable".

It sounds like you are handling it just fine. Remember things are totally black and white at that age. If he can’t get into the fridge when he wants to then it really is the end of the world and you are the worse person in the world for stopping him.

Or you cut his sandwiches in the wrong shape or give him the wrong colour of mug.

They get overwhelmed by the intensity of their own feelings.

@Gremlins101 thank you, this is how I feel too. As weird as it sounds, in the really hard times I try to picture myself as like an old oak tree with thick heavy roots buried deep in the ground and I cannot be moved and I am just there for him, always reliable and calm... In reality I have definitely lost my shit plenty of times lol but I'm trying. Obviously I don't lose me shit at him, but there have been times I've had to leave him in a safe place for a few minutes 😕 more so when he was waking hourly all night long (still wakes 3 times a night 😴), but the tantrums are nearly as testing some days

@TUCKINGFYP0 thank you. Oh yes this boy has a LOT of feelings, and I love him for that. I just hope I can help him navigate them as he grows. Great name btw 😊

And as a parent you have to lay down boundaries. This is your job.

'Please don't hit Mummy' doesn't have the same meaning to a young one as 'No! You don't hit Mummy'

Think about it ! - the first statement gives all the control to the child. .... it's asking the child to 'please don't do it' ....... i.e. I'd rather you didn't, but it's your choice if you still want to hit me

The second statement shows a child what is acceptable to live life and to get on with others

This is a parent's job

There's no one right way tbh, toddlers are individuals just like adults and you will work out the extent of distress or testing boundaries or being cheeky for the hell of it of your own child...

The main thing I found that helped was trying to remember child and I were on the same team, so don't fall into saying 'no you can't' and then having a set to about it. Instead say 'oh you want to look in the fridge, it's interesting isn't it, the thing is the food needs to stay cold and it will get warm if we open it, let's find other things that are cold' etc.

Voice what you think DC would say if they would (you want this) then explain why they can't right now and if poss avoid making it a never, eg 'we will open the fridge when we need to get the veg for dinner, do you want to help me then?'

And stay calm if you can. You need to have Buddhist monk levels of self awareness to notice when you begin to lose your cool and pull back from that.

It always helps me to remember that if you end up being snappy or less than patient, often they get upset and that takes longer to sort out than dealing with the original tantrum causing situation, if you see what I mean.

This is great advice.

I like your oak tree vision aswell OP.

My eldest cannot be soothed and will not accept a cuddle or help until his tantrum has ran its course. I had to use space/remove him from the situ with him - he would just gain traction if I tried to intervene and help.

My second is textbook - he responds to being given a cuddle - he gets frustrated and wants to be soothed. It’s so easy to stay calm with my second. My first really, really knows how to get a reaction.

@UmbrellaEllaEh exactly - your eldest responds to the boundaries you've set and just needs time to realise what the boundaries are. Your youngest needs a different approach to accepting boundaries.
You've put it so much better than I did! :)