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3 year old will not listen to me

8 replies

LozS87 · 24/10/2023 16:55

I have a 3.5yo boy, we never had ‘terrible twos’, or any issues really, behaviour wise he has almost always been great.

Over the last few months he is pushing boundaries more and more. One of our main issues is some days he completely ignores everything I say, I’ll ask (/tell) him to not climb on furniture that’s not safe to climb on, he carries on. I ask him to not wind the dog up, he carries on. I ask him to walk with me or in front of me, and he’ll run in the other direction.

I’ve read all the books people recommend, I’m all about associated consequences and he does have consequences after his first ‘chance’ and I always see them through, but nothing really seems to have an impact enough to stop him from doing it again.

The running away when we’re out has gotten so bad I’ve started having to take his old trolley out and he gets one chance to walk, and then goes in there. But it feels ridiculous and a little sad to have a 3.5yo in a pram.

My days off work with him which I used to love have become quite stressful which sounds awful, but I really struggle as everything from the minute we wake up seems to be a battle. Simple things like getting dressed, getting in the car, going to the shops. We do a lot of nice activities together both in and outside of home, but I feel there are things I ‘should’ be able to do on my days off/when he’s home from nursery like spend 10 minutes prepping tea, or a few simple short chores whilst he plays by himself but I can rarely do this as he will just find a way to make even the most toddler safe room dangerous (or he’ll for example tip toys out and throw them/draw on walls etc).

I know that developmentally pushing boundaries can be normal, but it’s so hard. In himself he is very happy, met all milestones at expected ages, has excellent vocabulary and nursery have no concerns whatsoever (they have no issues at all with him). He can be absolutely amazing and very polite and kind, but the above behaviours seem to be happening more and more and I’m not sure where to go from here.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Phineyj · 24/10/2023 17:20

My daughter (later diagnosed with ADHD) was like this at this age.

Not saying that's the case with your son, but what helped us was letting go of "should" (you need to parent the child you have, not the one you'd like) so:

Setting up rooms to avoid anything dangerous or that will get messed up (we put everything like that on shelves and the shelves behind the sofas)
Avoid places that overstimulated her so no supermarkets etc - used delivery or one of us shopped on way home from work
Little Life backpack or reins when out
Tag teamed a lot with DH
We don't have a dog so not sure about that, but if he can't be sensible around the dog, use a dog walker or walk dog early or late, assuming you have a partner?

Nearly all children get more sensible as time goes on.

10 year old DD is quite sensible but my God she was a nightmare at this age.

Solidarity.

Phineyj · 24/10/2023 17:24

The book 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child has a lot of really good practical tips. One is "catch them being good". It's easy to think we'll he didn't do that, or that or that - you can re-frame as "well, he did put his coat on..." When I do this with DD I often notice she did comply with a fair bit of what I asked

Also you may be overestimating his comprehension.

Phineyj · 24/10/2023 17:25

Well not we'll - can't edit on the app, sorry.

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DrFosterWentToGloucester23 · 24/10/2023 17:28

No advice just solidarity. I have one the same. He’s just turned 4. It’s incredibly stressful.

I just keep repeating ‘This too shall pass. This too shall pass …’ whilst glugging wine and rocking!

Phineyj · 24/10/2023 17:29

Sorry one more thing -- it has taken until quite a bit older than that for DD to understand how to act around animals. Is your son well separated from the dog when they're both in the house? We have cats and it's much easier for them to get away from kids they don't want to be around...under the bed or on top of the wardrobe!

Phineyj · 24/10/2023 17:31

It will pass! DD is responsible enough at 10 to get the 5 year old next door to bathe and get into bed (he's a bit extra too...)

VivaVivaa · 24/10/2023 20:06

A bucketful of solidarity. DS1 was a difficult, headstrong baby, but then a delight from age 1 - 3ish. He’s been so so difficult form turning 3, but just for us. Also still generally a delight at preschool. He’s very similar to yours. Completely unpredictable and if he’s in one of those moods, he doesn’t listen, runs off, understands things being ‘naughty’ now and does them for attention, screams when things don’t go his way, must start every other sentence with ‘I WANT’. I adore him but I hate age 3. I’m going to have a look at the book mentioned above and hope it passes with consistent boundaries Confused

Helpneedednw · 24/10/2023 20:11

Nearly 2 yo DS is like that. Doesn't listens, so solidarity. No experience of how they should be but I think he is stubborn and head strong. Trying to find mid way

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