I feel terrible- mean comments

[Lolxe]

I was getting my 4 year old ready for school this morning, it was the usual messing about trying to help him while comforting crying baby. I'd asked him 3 times to get out of his PJ's and get his school top on, he completely ignores this and starts complaining about going to after-schools club and getting books off his bookcase. I snapped and said "the reason you go to after schools club is I need a break from you" I then told him to dress himself and took the baby downstairs. He came down dressed a while later and seemed quite quiet. I've hugged him and reassured him the club is for him to have fun with friend's and I'd love to have him home with me but I don't want him missing out but still feel terrible. He definitely seemed more quiet on the walk to school.
Will this be something that will affect his confidence or easily forgotten once he's in school?

Not to make you feel bad, but I think what you said will play on his mind.
Does he need to go to after school club if he doesn't want to? Maybe he's feeling a bit pushed out by the baby?

You’ve apologised in a way, so I wouldn’t bring it up again. He will forget it in time.
Does he need to go to after school club ?

Maybe it will play on his mind but guess what? You’re a human being, not a robot and sometimes you’ll say things you regret. Personally I’m sick and tired of this constant pressure to be the perfect parent and never f*ck up regardless of what else is going on in our lives.

You have a newborn, you’re doing your best, and there’s nothing wrong with needing a break. I think repair is more important than rupture, so explain that you are sorry and we all say things we don’t mean sometimes. Tell him you were wrong to say that and then let it go. It sounds like this is pretty much what you have already done anyway.

The fact that you are so upset shows you are a good parent. Sadly none of us will get through parenthood without messing them up somehow, no matter how hard we try. Be kind to yourself.

You seem to expect rather a lot of a four-year-old with a baby sibling.

Were you being honest with him about him going to after school club to “have fun” or was your original comment true? If you really need a break from him even after school hours, you may need more support as a parent.

I think you're expecting a bit much from him OP. It's easy to see the older child as older and more competent than they are when you have a baby, but 4 is just a baby themselves. I think you're stressed and took it out on him which you recognise was wrong. But what you said was very personal - when you feel yourself getting super stressed best to leave the room rather than lash out. Could you try and put some time aside for just you and your 4 year old to do something nice together?

If it’s the truth then yes, it will probably effect his confidence. If he doesn’t enjoy after school club and knows you’re at home and could pick him up straight after school he’s going to think you’re only sending him so you don’t have to spend time with him. To a four year old time with mum is usually more precious than time with friends so of course he would rather be picked up from school than have to go to after school club.

However, if you’re at work and have no choice but to send him and he knows that you couldn’t pick him up any earlier then he will realise what you said isn’t true and it’s unlikely to effect him, just reiterate you would love to have him home but you have to work and that it’s lucky he gets some extra time with his friends.

I guess the question then is, what is the true reason you send him? If it’s honestly to get a break from him then yes, he will pick up on this and now you E told him for sure he will likely remember it and it will effect his confidence. He already does all day at school and obviously wants more time at home and perhaps feels pushed out by the baby and wonders why you only need a break from him and not the baby.

I think if I were you I would come back to this when the baby is asleep/with your partner or another caregiver, have some one on one time with him and explain that you were very tired when you said that and you didn’t mean it. That sometimes adults make mistakes too and are sorry afterwards. Reiterate how much you love him and enjoy spending time with him etc.

I think he needs a ‘why’ - to understand why you said it, other than ‘mummy doesn’t want to see me because she wants a break from me’. So explain you were tired and it can be very busy being a mum, and that adults get things wrong sometimes.

He will forget about it but it will be something that might come up now and again so you will have to be prepared that mummy was being silly/joking or whatever. He's 4 I think you are settling him up to fail by getting him to dress himself you need to help him especially as you have a new baby .he might start acting out for any attention, bad mornings happen to everyone though.

What @Me20176 said.

Thanks for the responses,
The after schools club he attends is very difficult to get into so we've had his name down since nursery, he attends to keep his place for when I go back to work but also for him to have fun. At home we can be tied to the house for the baby's naps and he will say he's bored and wants out to play etc so I felt having him go only 3 days a week was a good balance.

I'll have my DH mind the baby and collect him early today and take him to the park and have another chat to reassure him. I don't know if he'll have forgotten to don't want to keep bringing it up either and remind him of what I said

I wouldn't bring it up unless he does is his club today ? I wouldn't pick him up early you are defeating the purpose if you need/want him to go then leave it as is, consistency is key imo.