Name change for this.
I'm currently 12 weeks pregnant with a very much wanted second child after a lot of losses and heartbreak but (and it shames me to admit this) I've genuinely had thoughts about termination because I just can't bear the idea of having a second child like my son.
My son has always been a bit "difficult" and combined with the total absence of any parenting or early support due to being born in March 2020 I'd say I've found parenting tricky. I had counseling but found it pretty useless as the woman just kept telling me I was amazing and being too hard on myself and didn't really listen to my issues, one of them being the number of times I have totally lost it and screamed at my son.
He is extremely strong willed and just not responsive to any sort of positive reinforcement if he doesn't want to do something and is more and more defiant/oppositional. He used to be exceptionally physical, this has improved now he can communicate but he still regularly hits/throws things at me or around the room if I enforce a boundary. He starts every day rattling off a list of things about "being kind" "it's not kind to hit/punch/throw cars at mummy's head" etc and being very loving and gentle and then an hour in does all of these things often unprovoked. I try so hard to stay calm but firm/distract etc but he will push and push and escalate his behavior (I mean he will literally try and hit me about 20 times) until I eventually do lose it and scream at him. Sometimes he cries and stops the behavior and sometimes he just laughs and repeats "mummy screamed". This happens about multiple times a day but is much much worse at home, out of the house he is often quite angelic but it is an absolute mission to get him out of the house in the first place because he won't do any of the things he needs to do to leave the house or outright refuses.
Nursery never report any issues. It feels like his behavior is entirely directed at me behind closed doors.
I know a lot of the issue is my reaction and I need to work on this but my DH is often out at work and I can't "just leave the room" to cool off because he will literally trash the place. Tried asking health visitor for advice but they laughed down the phone and basically said that unless there's a safeguarding they don't have staff to get involved - our council is bankrupt and we've had no support from HV at all.
I'd be happy to pay privately for an online behaviour support consultant or similar if anyone has any recommendations as I'm so miserable about my relationship with my child. My husband thinks it's because we're both incredibly stubborn but that doesn't help in the moment and he can be equally difficult with my husband.
Long message - apologies. Has anyone else had a child like this and it turned out okay?