How to keep your cool

[SadAsHell]

Looking for advise on how you all keep your cool when baby / toddler is roaring crying at night, overtired but won't sleep, flapping arms about. DD is 15 months.

I do a bedtime routine but lately when I try to put her down she is going mad which is causing me to lose my cool. She may wake during the night and has the same reaction.

Admittedly I am having a tough time at work lately so am arriving home with limited patience unfortunately!

Deep breath, it all ends! In 5 or 10 years time you’ll look back on this and laugh. Not sure that helps right now though 🙈

Is she still having a nap? There’s probably a solution to the way she’s feeling/behaving that would help the whole situation. In my house I’m the calm one and my husband has no patience but he tends to just make the situation worse and baby will wake back up etc because he can’t just take a deep breath and see the situation for what it is

@Itsalongstoryy thanks for the reply. She is still having a nap and I am going to try work on this over the weekend, the timing of it, making sure she's up early enough, doesn't oversleep etc. My OH is incredibly helpful but DD just wants me when she wakes in the night which is adding to both of our frustration.

Hey as someone with an awful temper I totally feel you. I had no idea parenting would be so triggering and am constantly trying to be better for my kids!! Taking deep breaths genuinely helps. As does tapping your head or shoulders (Google it).

A phrase which has helped me is: "I'm having some big feelings (or name the exact feeling) right now, I'm going to leave the room for a moment to calm down". As long as the little one is safe it's felt better for me to exit the situation and calm down than to stay and potentially lose my cool with someone who is still learning how to be a person. What was incredible was when my now 4 year old turned to me and said the same phrase back, then took himself into the lounge for about 15 minutes and came back when he'd calmed down. That was such a validating moment that I'm showing them a better path than exploding at people. Though also some days you are just triggered, and those are also opportunities to show how we make amends/show remorse etc.

It's a relentlessly tough gig, and so much worse when you're tired. I found "the book you wish your parents had read" really helpful too. As adults we're often living in the future (ie if I can get through bedtime then I get to do x) whereas children live very much in the present (if I go to bed then no more mummy time, for example). Being more aware of things from their point of view and trying to deal with the immediate feelings rather than focusing on my goals for 10 minutes from now has also often been very helpful.

@Beansandneedles really really helpful response thanks a million. I used to do the tapping technique, raging I hadn't thought of it before now. Will defo give they book a read too. Thanks

I will sing when things are really stressful. Either a known song, like rocking or holding them or stroking in bed and singing something familiar or just singing about what’s happening. You can’t shout if you’re singing and you can focus on getting to the end of the chorus or verse or the words or whatever rather than the shitshow that’s unfolding in your toddler’s bedtime. I know that might be a bit weird but it’s helped me. Lots of hymns and a few pop songs for my first child, folk songs for my second and my third is brand new and still soothed by milk mostly so not sure what he’ll get! Also, if it’s relevant, I am a rubbish singer! It also seems to work when they’re screaming in the back of the car and I feel so stressed I might crash, I just start singing and eventually they do calm.