Struggling with toddler hurting baby

[Sleepysaurus2]

I have 3yo DD and 9mo DS. Since DS was born, DD has understandably gone through her ups and downs emotionally. However, she always loved DS. She was very caring and gentle towards him, bringing him toys and wanting to cuddle him. Me and DH always said that although we’ve had hard times with DD getting used to having DS around, we were very lucky that she was so gentle with him.

Anyway, that’s all changed. DD still shows lots of affection towards DS but she has started hurting him. She will hit him, push him, poke him etc. partly it seems to be just for entertainment. He’ll be sitting up and she’ll just wander past and push him over. Sometimes it’s done with anger. This morning I said it was time to brush our teeth. DD was cross about this so she snatched a toy from DS and really forcefully pushed him over.

My usual way of reacting would be to keep calm and avoid a big reaction but show her natural consequences. I would say ‘you’ve just hit DS so I am going to pick him up and move away from you to keep him safe.’ The aim was to show her that hitting stops the game and means I have to keep DS safe. It doesn’t seem to have made a difference. I have therefore since given bigger reactions. This is more down to the fact that I feel at the end of my tether with it and I’m struggling seeing DS being hurt in his own home. I am hyper vigilant around them both but I can’t stop everything because it happens in a flash without any warning. So because I am so fed up with it I’ve started saying ‘NO!’ In quite a stern tone (never shouting). I did that this morning and DD smiled back. I don’t want to give big reactions and therefore reinforce her behaviour but I am struggling to know what else to do.

I’m also really worried about the impact of this on DS. I’m trying my best to protect him but it feels like since he’s been born he’s had to deal with extreme levels of screaming from DD and now the physical stuff.

Any suggestions?

This is classic jealousy. On the one hand, it is good that DD feels she can express it because if it is suppressed it will warp her personality as she grows up. That said, I had this problem (and the above advice really helped me) and it is very difficult to manage. I found I had to explain to my DD that if she pulled her brother’s arms and legs he wouldn’t be able to play ball with her when he was older. Could you use a play pen to protect him? (Maybe put DD in sometimes too). I can only tell you that is will pass and that my DD and DS are adults who are, and have always been, very close.

Do you do anything special with DD when the baby is napping? I found with my oldest any animosity towards the baby was a cry for attention. Feeling like the baby is having all the limelight so things get ugly. We realised one day my oldest was really sad that the baby was always on my chest/in my arms/sleeping in my room, and the older/more interactive she got the worse he was feeling. But we created a basket of things which were for just us and when the baby was sleeping we'd have special time. It's great because the activities in the basket can grow with the children. Now the baby is 2.5 the activities my oldest child chooses are rather different to when he was 2, but the purpose still stands.