At a loss what to do with DS not settling at preschool

[AlenaMacc]

Any advice about this is welcome as I am at a complete loss at what to do about DS who is just not settling at preschool. I've asked all my friends, the preschool staff, family members but no one can advise me on this so was hoping that somebody on mumsnet will have experience with this.

A bit of context - DS who is 2yo is a very independent child (not just our view on it - it has been said numerous times by other mum friends and everyone around us). When we go to playdates and classes, he dashes off and doesn't even look back for me. He has never been clingy and has never been one of those kids who like to keep close to their mums. Mum friends have always commented on how independent he is when we go to a softplay etc and he runs off and starts playing without looking back.

DS has been looked after by a nanny for a couple of mornings a week when he was small (6months until 1y), after this I have mostly looked after him myself with the occasional help of my parents and mother-in-law. He is completely content being looked after by them and staying with them overnight.

However, I have slowly been getting back into work (I run my own business so took a longer mat leave essentially) and I need to up my hours soon-ish. A few of his little friends go to this very nice preschool in our town for a couple of mornings a week and decided that this would be a nice option for our DS.

We did a stay and play session at the preschool and he loved it - he immediately ran off and started playing on his own as usual. However, the settling in after that has been disastrous to say the least. He has been going for 5 weeks now, he started off going for 1h. We did this for 3 days and every day, they called me after 20mins saying that he's screaming and they can't settle him.

They proposed I take him for 1 hour every day and we did that for a few weeks. He only had 1 day when he has stopped crying for 30mins, the rest of the days he has apparently been constantly crying. They say there are no tears, just angry crying, he doesn't want to be cuddled or distracted. He would sometimes stop crying for 1-2mins and start playing with a toy, only to start screaming a few seconds later as if he has remembered that he has to be angry.

The last few weeks felt like he's getting worse and he has been inconsolable every day. We decided to try reducing the days and did only 1 day this week, but again they called after 20mins saying he's inconsolable. This time around, they were suggesting it's not working, that he's too attached to me, he's upsetting the other children (they said that they have 3 screaming children now as a result of my DS coming). They said that I need to have a think about what to do as they have never had a child who couldn't be consoled at all.

I really really don't know what to do - he's the exact opposite of that when he's at home. He plays independently for very long, he's a content and happy child, he talks in sentences and says what his needs are. We have tried talking to him calmly about preschool, how much fun he's going to have, how he's going to play with his little friends, trucks etc. At home he will occasionally ask to go to preschool so it seems as if he wants to go. I feel like what they are describing at preschool is a different child which is why I don't even know how to begin to solve it. Any advice would be very appreciated as I feel so deflated!

It's a preschool but they accept children from 18mo.

The difference with the nurseries is that they do half days (the nurseries in our area are booked out and they don't do half days, they only do a minimum of 2 full days)

We have been discussing trying a different one but wasn't sure if the issue is with the preschool itself if that makes sense?

I've been literally sitting in my car, catching up on emails. The idea was to start with 1h a day and the increase to 4h, but he can't even do the full 1h without them calling me to pick him up (usually after 20-30mins).

The full 1 hour has been the maximum he has stayed, but he was only happy for about 30mins of that time, the rest he's been crying.

If he's usually fine and easygoing, I'd suggest that for some reason this isn't the right place for him. It sounds upsetting for all of you, I'd try to find somewhere else.

I agree with you (and friends have suggested this too), but the preschool said they're not keen to keep him longer than 1h since he's crying constantly and distressing the other children...

This is so hard and I really feel for you.

One of mine wasn't keen on nursery at 8mths but eventually settled (never keen on it though) then moved to preschool at 3 and after a few weeks of making sure I was waving to him through the window when I left, had never looked back. (He's now 10yrs and is quite independent/mature with new situations.)

The other one was very different but I think COVID played a big part. He used to cry and cry (awful, heartbreaking sobbing) at drop-offs for the first few months of Reception, Y1 and Y2. In Y3 he just snapped out of it - I was amazed, but I think he just needed to mature a bit. He also sometimes had the fury that you talk about in your OP - he'd switch from HR heart reading sobbing to (briefly) violent anger and lashing out, but would always be horribly remorseful after. It was a difficult time!!

My point is that this is a development phase and not "him", IYSWIM, and it won't last forever. In the meantime, is it worth taking him out completely and trying again somewhere else in a few months?

We had that experience with our ds at that age. He lasted 2 days.
We took him out and tried again at 3. He was fine then.

When our DC was 3 we relocated to the US for a while. The nursery was brilliant eventually but he too a while to settle.

Regarding the tears and the pre school mentioning that it’s a problem and they feel it’s upsetting other children. That’s very unprofessional approach on their part. It would be a red flag for me and I’d find somewhere else.

Try a childminder? A smaller setting might be less overwhelming for him

I agree that 1 hour is not enough. It's just short enough that he can keep thinking about it and screaming the whole time, and since you do appear at the end of the hour it reinforces the notion that him screaming is what brought you back.

The more they're in, the faster they settle. Everyone I know who works with little children says this. Am surprised the nursery disagree as it's so different to the usual advice I hear.

Thank you, this is very reassuring!

I was thinking about taking him out completely, however I'm afraid this might send the message to him that there's indeed an issue and this is why we've stopped taking him. Humans are complicated!

This makes perfect sense to me and I brought that up with the preschool as well - him probably thinking that crying produces mum. They considered it, but at the end of the day this is their approach so I presume I will have to try a new place.

Honestly, at 2yrs old I wouldn't worry too much about sending him a message, as it were - I think you have to adapt and survive to some extent, so personally I'd adapt to what you have to work with at the moment and try again as and when you think appropriate! Very best of luck, it can be utterly miserable and it's no reflection on you and what you've done so far x

What time of day is he going? Is it different every time? Is it an optimum time for him, ie eaten, slept not tired etc. is it one key worker he can get to know each time or do they change the adult?

What did you do in terms of childcare in your situation? This is what I'm wondering as I do need to have some sort of childcare at least 1/2 mornings a week.

If there's another preschool available, I'd try that, or perhaps a childminder. It sounds like this preschool have decided it isn't working, and really, you need them on board. I would also generally agree that 1 hour isn't long enough (after the first settling in visit or two) for him to find his feet.

Perhaps also have a look round the nurseries and put him on the waiting list if you'd be open to 2 full days instead of more mornings. If you can be flexible on which days you need, you might get a place sooner.

What kind of settling in did you do? My DC went to a Montessori nursery and they encouraged parents to go for multiple sessions where I would sit in the corner, so DC could see me/come to me if they needed reassurance, but could also be independent. After a while I left for an hour and then a bit longer etc. The staff then asked when I was happy to leave for longer and they would follow my preference. It was a very gentle approach and we had no issues.

I would be concerned they're not comforting him and trying to get him interested in what's going on in the preschool. I've worked in nurseries and have done supply in settings where toddlers have come in distraught and staff members have said 'there's no calming them, just leave them to cry.' Of course I didn't do that and I did manage to calm them eventually. It can be hard work but I'd be surprised if no one could get your child to settle within the hour. I would be a bit worried that they're just not bothering to try, leaving him to cry for 20 minutes then ringing you to say 'he just won't settle!'

Personally I'd look into a childminder at his age. If you can find a good one I think they're a much nicer environment for 2 year olds.

Would they allow you to stay there with him for a few sessions?

I had a similar experience with my son he started nursery when he turned 2, he did amazing with the settling sessions went in without a second glance. But then when it came to him starting properly 3 mornings a week he was pretty unconsolable but the nursery never got me to come and collect him they just reassured me that it was normal and that he would settle soon enough, they just worked on distracting him with toys and slowly we got there. He loves it now but it did take time and consistency.