Terrified of dying as a new mother

Anxiousnewmum2 · 2023-10-19T00:19:24+00:00

Hi everyone. I have a beautiful four month old daughter and a wonderful husband. I consider myself very lucky. However, since finding out I was pregnant, this special period of my life has been spoilt by this terrible fear of something happening to her. Recently, this has extended to a fear of me dying. The thought of not seeing her grow up or her wishing her mum was around to ask for advice about something one day brings me to tears. I know many grow up without any parents and, with this in mind, I have told myself to get a grip. I also know that this pales into insignificance compared to what parents and children are experiencing in Israel and Gaza at this moment in time. I apologise to anyone affected by my post in some way. I suppose I am sharing my fears as a new mother which keep me awake at night and wondering if and hoping that I’m not alone in experiencing these feelings. If you did feel this way, what helped? I really want to enjoy this time I know I will never get back. Thank you for reading.

Justletpeopleenjoythings · 19/10/2023 02:09

Go to the doctor. This is post partum anxiety

ALittleTeawithmilk · 19/10/2023 02:09

No you aren’t alone. it’s anxiety in my experience:

Plus we realize at some point early on, that with the baby comes vulnerability like we’ve never known before. Of course, when anxious we are going to fear stuff. You will stop feeling this so strongly, and may think of it now and then, but it won’t dominate your life. If you continue to feel this way though I’d suggest you seek medical advice because it could be post natal depression.

The news from Palastine and Israel is horrific. I think we are all looking at our own children/grandchildren/nephews/nieces and understanding the terror of parents in those countries. While you have a young one and are anxious, I find it’s best to switch off the news. There’s nothing you can do atm anyway. As horrible as that is.

Music that soothes or lifts your spirits helps. Let it play in the background. Babies love music (weirdly my kids all loved the beach boys or Vivaldi 4 seasons, the most, - depending on time of day). Don’t watch the tv, the news breaks are awful when we are anxious. Stream stuff like movies or series that aren’t too dramatic. I used to get out and about as much as I could. Get exercise - it burns off adrenaline leaving less room for anxiety. Walks with baby in pram, go to the park, meet up with friends, treat yourself to coffee and a snack in a cafe just to be around other adults in the day. That, and having to do all the stuff having a baby demands will fill up your time. If you find yourself continuing to stare at the ceiling and not sleeping, definitely tell your health care person.

Best wishes OP. And congrats on your baby. I’m in Australia and it’s midday so about 3am in the UK now, hope you are sleeping: hugs to you.

OnceMoreFromTheTop · 19/10/2023 02:20

Have you read a book called "what mothers do, especially when it looks like nothing"? It really helped me to understand that massive changes that take place in a woman's mind when she starts into motherhood. There is a lot of rewiring that goes on, to turn the person into a really dedicated protector for the baby. Some of that is that the person can become hyper-aware of risk.

That can also turn into an anxiety disorder, so it would be worth talking to a clinical psychologist to get it all off your chest if it is bothering you. Just talking about it to a sympathetic listener will really help a lot.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/What-Mothers-Do-especially-nothing/dp/0749926201

Breakingpoint1961 · 19/10/2023 02:29

Bless you OP, it's that overwhelming sense of responsibility you now have, and the protection for your child, it's very common indeed.

I am a grandmother now, but I can still remember looking at my 2 day old daughter and sobbing, because I loved her so much I was so afraid of something happening to her, or to me that rendered me unable to protect her.

I also developed a fear of flying, again because of my new responsibilities!

It will lessen OP, enjoy your baby, precious times🥰

ParadiseLaundry · 19/10/2023 02:36

ALittleTeawithmilk · 19/10/2023 02:09

No you aren’t alone. it’s anxiety in my experience:

Plus we realize at some point early on, that with the baby comes vulnerability like we’ve never known before. Of course, when anxious we are going to fear stuff. You will stop feeling this so strongly, and may think of it now and then, but it won’t dominate your life. If you continue to feel this way though I’d suggest you seek medical advice because it could be post natal depression.

The news from Palastine and Israel is horrific. I think we are all looking at our own children/grandchildren/nephews/nieces and understanding the terror of parents in those countries. While you have a young one and are anxious, I find it’s best to switch off the news. There’s nothing you can do atm anyway. As horrible as that is.

Music that soothes or lifts your spirits helps. Let it play in the background. Babies love music (weirdly my kids all loved the beach boys or Vivaldi 4 seasons, the most, - depending on time of day). Don’t watch the tv, the news breaks are awful when we are anxious. Stream stuff like movies or series that aren’t too dramatic. I used to get out and about as much as I could. Get exercise - it burns off adrenaline leaving less room for anxiety. Walks with baby in pram, go to the park, meet up with friends, treat yourself to coffee and a snack in a cafe just to be around other adults in the day. That, and having to do all the stuff having a baby demands will fill up your time. If you find yourself continuing to stare at the ceiling and not sleeping, definitely tell your health care person.

Best wishes OP. And congrats on your baby. I’m in Australia and it’s midday so about 3am in the UK now, hope you are sleeping: hugs to you.

Totally agree with this excellent and thoughtful post.

Op, my children are 4 and 7 and certainly have the same thoughts you have and did since my oldest was born, as @ALittleTeawithmilk says, it's anxiety, and recognising it as such but not allowing the thoughts to take over is important.

Also, when I was at a baby group a few years ago, the venue had brought in a woman who specialised in wills, to give the mums the opportunity to ask questions about wills and guardianship of children should anything happen.

Without exception, every woman, when given the opportunity, was very adamant that they didn't want to ask any questions and was visibly upset at thinking about the scenarios and all of them said that they often had thoughts such as the ones you and I were having (and were probably getting out of the house and going to baby groups and meeting other mums to avoid having these sorts of thoughts!) so you certainly aren't alone in getting these thoughts

Netaporter · 19/10/2023 02:59

I hear you @Anxiousnewmum2 and I think as a parent we’ve all had those thoughts, they honestly don’t go away but you can choose how to respond to them. Personally, I took practical action which brought calmness to me whenever I had those sort of thoughts; Who would I want to ensure my child was looked after by in the event both parents died? I then made a Will to reflect those wishes. I then ensured future financial security/university savings plans were in place including who would manage the money until they turned 18/21/25 etc. DD is off to university next year (🤞) and I’ve put together a little practical advice book for her which amongst many things passes down little bits of knowledge that I hope will be of use/comfort etc. As a new mum, maybe spend time writing down things you’d want your baby to know about you and your hopes/dreams for her as a method of controlling potentially intrusive thoughts? You don’t have to do anything with it, but it might bring a stillness to you whenever you feel anxious.

As a new Mum you will have all sorts of unfamiliar feelings - feelings of wanting to protect your child from any sort of harm (including her being bereaved or you being bereaved ) is I think quite normal. You’ll also spend a lot of time wondering if you are doing parenting ‘right’ or thinking other mums are better/more sussed etc. The fact is, we are all making it up as we go along. Just do your best, do the stuff that makes you and your new baby girl happy at the time and everything will be fine in the end. Keep posting if it helps, there is plenty of advice on here.

decionsdecisions62 · 19/10/2023 04:03

It's post natal depression you are describing. I had it. It's scary.

Zapx · 19/10/2023 04:29

I had this with my eldest and had it again for my subsequent children, just not as badly. I think for me it just reflected the massive sense of responsibility I now felt, and also I’d never loved anything so vulnerable so deeply, so I think that’s a factor too. For me it gradually subsided over time. I wouldn’t say the intrusive thoughts are totally gone, but I’m more able to identify them as intrusive and unwanted now, which helps. Hope you find something that works for you, it’s horrible.

Original poster

Anxiousnewmum2 · 19/10/2023 08:33

@Justletpeopleenjoythings I will mention this in an upcoming appointment as it did cross my mind, despite feeling very happy and not too overwhelmed by being a new mum otherwise.

@decionsdecisions62 I hope you feel much better now.

Thank you both and to all who replied. I am working my way though them when I steal some spare moments throughout the day.

OP posts:

PinkRoses1245 · 19/10/2023 08:42

Please mention this to your GP or midwife, that is not a normal way to think, sounds like intrusive thoughts and they'll be able to support you.

Chocolatelover888 · 19/10/2023 12:07

OP, I feel the same. Sometimes it’s overwhelming and sometimes just in background. I get panicked if me and my husband go away together something will happen to both of us and we will leave the kids alone . I do think it’s normal to have some feelings like you’ve described but if they become overwhelming definitely talk to someone. I second another poster - it’s ok not to watch/ read the news during this time. Sending hugs and you aren’t alone!

Original poster

Anxiousnewmum2 · 19/10/2023 16:10

ALittleTeawithmilk · 19/10/2023 02:09

No you aren’t alone. it’s anxiety in my experience:

Plus we realize at some point early on, that with the baby comes vulnerability like we’ve never known before. Of course, when anxious we are going to fear stuff. You will stop feeling this so strongly, and may think of it now and then, but it won’t dominate your life. If you continue to feel this way though I’d suggest you seek medical advice because it could be post natal depression.

The news from Palastine and Israel is horrific. I think we are all looking at our own children/grandchildren/nephews/nieces and understanding the terror of parents in those countries. While you have a young one and are anxious, I find it’s best to switch off the news. There’s nothing you can do atm anyway. As horrible as that is.

Music that soothes or lifts your spirits helps. Let it play in the background. Babies love music (weirdly my kids all loved the beach boys or Vivaldi 4 seasons, the most, - depending on time of day). Don’t watch the tv, the news breaks are awful when we are anxious. Stream stuff like movies or series that aren’t too dramatic. I used to get out and about as much as I could. Get exercise - it burns off adrenaline leaving less room for anxiety. Walks with baby in pram, go to the park, meet up with friends, treat yourself to coffee and a snack in a cafe just to be around other adults in the day. That, and having to do all the stuff having a baby demands will fill up your time. If you find yourself continuing to stare at the ceiling and not sleeping, definitely tell your health care person.

Best wishes OP. And congrats on your baby. I’m in Australia and it’s midday so about 3am in the UK now, hope you are sleeping: hugs to you.

Thank you so much for this detailed and helpful reply with loads of advice I can immediately implement. Your advice about the conflict in the Middle East is so true: I think it strikes a primal chord almost for mothers (and fathers) particularly. Your kids have eclectic musical tastes! That made me smile. Music is such a tonic for me so I’m really not sure why I haven’t listened to much since having my baby.

OP posts:

Original poster

Anxiousnewmum2 · 19/10/2023 16:15

OnceMoreFromTheTop · 19/10/2023 02:20

Have you read a book called "what mothers do, especially when it looks like nothing"? It really helped me to understand that massive changes that take place in a woman's mind when she starts into motherhood. There is a lot of rewiring that goes on, to turn the person into a really dedicated protector for the baby. Some of that is that the person can become hyper-aware of risk.

That can also turn into an anxiety disorder, so it would be worth talking to a clinical psychologist to get it all off your chest if it is bothering you. Just talking about it to a sympathetic listener will really help a lot.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/What-Mothers-Do-especially-nothing/dp/0749926201

It’s in my Amazon basket to order - thank you for the recommendation. It sounds fascinating and makes total sense. I’m sure I’ll also find it interesting as well as useful; I was definitely intrigued by the evolutionary responses I saw in my daughter when she was born with feeding and things. Just reading this thread already feels like therapy so thank you again, OnceMore and everyone else.

OP posts:

Original poster

Anxiousnewmum2 · 19/10/2023 16:20

Breakingpoint1961 · 19/10/2023 02:29

Bless you OP, it's that overwhelming sense of responsibility you now have, and the protection for your child, it's very common indeed.

I am a grandmother now, but I can still remember looking at my 2 day old daughter and sobbing, because I loved her so much I was so afraid of something happening to her, or to me that rendered me unable to protect her.

I also developed a fear of flying, again because of my new responsibilities!

It will lessen OP, enjoy your baby, precious times🥰

Thank you for your well wishes and words of solidarity. It’s very reassuring. Ah yes, I remember a similar feeling and the sobbing on Day 3 when my milk was coming in! I hope you’re not afraid of flying (or perhaps not as much) anymore and can enjoy grandparenthood without any worries.

OP posts:

Breakingpoint1961 · 19/10/2023 17:20

Hi OP..yes I'm still afraid of flying but it doesn't stop me, so that's progress!

I hope the responses on this thread bring you some comfort, try not to let the anxiety detract from this wonderful time with your precious baby🥰

WomanHereHear · 19/10/2023 17:25

Yep this started when I had my second and even worse when I found out I was pregnant with my third, it was a planned pregnancy but I started regretting it as I not only started worrying about me dying but then also my Dh. I rem asking him wtf we were thinking when we both could leave the children orphaned. It has dampened a lot since then but it’s still there in the background. I don’t want antidepressants or cbt as that’s all that’s been offered. But I am enjoying my children and living for now as best as I can. Sorry not much help but you’re not alone.