Teen daughter, no friends

[Juni11]

My 15 year old daughter (Y10) has no friends. She is a shy girl - over the years she has always tended to have one or two friends at school who she hangs out with. This school year - her two friends have joined new groups and she is alone. She says she chats with people and is friendly with people in lessons but at breaks she’s alone. It’s making me so sad for her. She is a sweet girl - quiet but will chat away once she’s comfortable with a person. I just can’t understand why she struggles to connect with peers.
she attends a couple of clubs out of school and it’s the same picture - on the surface she seems fine, talking and giggling with the group but nothing translates into a proper friendship. There are no sleepovers or meet ups in town. It’s like she’s invisible.
i have spoken to her about being more assertive and taking the lead but she just doesn’t have it in her at the minute. I see my friends daughters having such fun, teenage years, and my daughter just hangs out with her family.
what can I do to help? I’ve spoken to pastoral at school but nothing has come from that.
she’s missing out on so much. Any advice welcome.

Mine is 18 and the same. Let me know if you find the answer.

When I was in school I had a best friend and I hated school days when she wasn’t there or when we had fallen out as I was on my own. There were a couple of other people who I would talk to but I found this harder when she wasn’t there. In reality though, it wasn’t a good friendship but I clung onto it because it was all I had and she definitely benefited from it a lot more than I did looking back 🤷‍♀️
I’m in my late 20’s now and I’m pretty sure I had selective mutism and I got diagnosed with autism a couple of years ago. I had a couple of other intense friendships in high school but they didn’t last as long and also ended up benefiting the other girls a lot more than me (holidays with my family, covering so they could see a boyfriend ect.)
I’m not sure what advice to give you really other than to just listen to her if she wants to open up to you and to maybe get some tests if you suspect anything like autism as it can help to know sooner (support is pretty much nonexistent at my age).
I had no friends in my classes at college but I did find a couple outside of my classes that were more like me, a couple of friends at university and I have a couple now but it has to be people that I instantly feel comfortable with and who don’t judge me 🤷‍♀️

I must admit that I have considered ASD with my DD, as I know girls present very differently. Unfortunately she won’t be assessed.

I would show her the lack of support you can get as an adult and how it can effect you being able to get/keep a job :/ Is there a reason she doesn’t want the assessment? The waiting lists are so long that it may be worth you putting in a form now as by the time it comes to it she may have changed he mind 🤔

I was a bit like this and still am. Learning to accept the way I am helped me to make friends that I'm compatible with.

My ds 15 has been the same since primary school. Perfectly happy to get on with his class mates but no social life at the weekend. One close friend at most

Suddenly, the last six weeks he seems to have turned a corner. He is keen to go on a German exchange trip, is suddenly engaging more enthusiastically with class mates.

Still no weekend social life but I have more confidence that it will develop.

As long as she isn't unhappy, just keep having faith in her, providing her with opportunities to meet new people, make it clear her friends are always welcome, and see if she sorts it out by herself.

thank you for your replies. I have been wondering about ASD or ADD. She struggles academically, particularly with attention and focus. She isn’t disruptive - just dreamy!
She has always been a little on the peripheries with groups of children but I just thought she was shy. Up until this year, she has always had at least one friend. They do seem to drift away though and I wonder if her peers find it too much being her only mate. It sort of makes it tricky for them to then mix with others.
To me, she seems like a typical teenage girl. She likes fashion, hair, makeup, music, shopping etc. she loves her pets and is lovely with her siblings. She can talk with adults and be funny. She is very self conscious though. Finds it difficult to initiate conversations and panics that if she does approach someone, she will then run out of conversation and it will be awkward.

I'm going through something similar with my DS 16 at the moment and it's breaking my heart. He's such a lovely, intelligent, thoughtful person, but he doesn't really fit in with any groups at school and is really low about it.

This is really hard. I was really shy at school and I think it is difficult for teenage girls as you just feel so self conscious.

I agree with what you said about encouraging assertiveness/putting herself out there and inviting other girls from her clubs over.

Is there a residential or anything you could sign her up for? I've always found in those intense environments it's much easier to make friends and its how I made some of my best friends at school.

My daughter 20 - very similar. Covid years really didn’t help her form any friendships. She had friends at school but very rarely invited out etc

I was hoping she would come out at uni, but even in her 3rd year has 2/3 friends she speaks to. And gets on ok with uni housemates.

She does have a boyfriend, and he has a wide group of friends. I do feel for her as he often has plans and she left at home. As she doesn’t have her own friends to be with. We very open and have a close relationship- but at times I wish she had a friend to go to.

She would love to be invited on a girls holiday or be included but it never happened.

She now accepts, isn’t closed down to meet any new friends - it will be what it will be. But quietly I feel for her :(

I know this is heartbreaking but I would just lay off her about it. Encourage activities and stuff for sure but she knows she doesn't have friends, she doesn't need telling every five minutes, which is what she hears every time you make a suggestion about how to behave to get friends, I bet. Focus instead on making home really really relaxed and cosy. Bolster her confidence as much as you can by putting her in situations she is successful at being relaxed and chatty in, like with family or whatever else works. Just let her know not only to be herself but that herself is a great person to be.

I remember reading something Scarlett Curtis wrote. That she found it easier to make friends through work than through typical social scenarios. There is something about the framework and shared interests that are really helpful if you struggle a bit. Perhaps why your daughter finds it easier within the classroom? I definitely find friendships easier in a hobby or more structured environment.

Our elder daughter is similar. Sweet, kind, funny. A great kid but all her friendships feel slightly forced with none of the ease I see with other girls. I try not to make a big issue of it now. I facilitate social opportunities for her and outside hobbies and try to be a good friend to her at home. I do understand though. It’s heartbreaking to watch them on the peripheries.

I would’ve found going on a school residential crippling as a kid if I wasn’t with a friendship group but I loved outside of school residential where no one knew one another. Something like an outward bound or sailing holiday?

That’s great advice spinet.

My DD was very similar at school (girls grammar school) hardly had any real friends at all or social life. Maybe a bit worse because of Covid and being cut off and some health issues not helping things.

Changed to a new school for sixth form and she has so many friends. Hard to believe really and so nice seeing her happy and doing things.

Sorry that’s not the answer you want but just worth saying sometimes it might be all the group dynamics causing issues.

Great advice and some what reassuring to know she’s not the only one. Thank you for your replies.

I was going to say the same thing.

This i have spoken to her about being more assertive and taking the lead but she just doesn’t have it in her at the minute could feel undermining and unsupportive to your DD.

Maybe she is the way she is?

I know someone who has never been at all sociable. She has a lovely family, a good job and does a lot of other things that are valuable but not 'sociable'.

I'd focus on building her up as much as possible.

I wouldn’t push it too much. Look into a new school for 6th form and she can have a fresh start then. Preferably somewhere where most people are new or there is a big new intake.

DS1 was not really bothered about meeting up out of school with friends until very recently - he’s upper sixth. DS2 will still only do it if I arrange it (he’s yr11)
DD would see a friend every night if she could, but she’s less keen on spending time with us than the boys are.

shes been really open with me and talked a lot about how she wishes she could have a group of friends and go to parties etc. I am very conscious that when I’m trying to give advice, it’s a fine line between offering tips which may facilitate friendships and changing the essence of who she is.

its so hard at this age as they still need some guidance with how to behave or act but equally, they are their own person and by offering suggestions am I making it a bigger deal and making her feel worse.

I definitely need to build her confidence though as she’s increasingly sad about her situation.

This post breaks my heart a little bit. I didn’t have many friends when I was young.
However in later life, although I believe that others often are more popular than me, I have actually had my fair share of good friends during all my adult life. I am grateful for this and I have tried to be a loyal friend in return.
Please take the advice of other PPs to be more positive about this. The last thing you want to do is convey to your DC that they really do not have friends (and thereby suggest they won’t in future either). Not everyone can be or wants to be miss popular. Please be strong now for your child. They are lovable, they will be a friend, they will have friends. Let your DC relax, look for opportunities to make friends, look for opportunities to enjoy their own company, enjoy their family. Hobbies can be fun if there is something they are interested in. Take the pressure off, reject the fear of failure.

I wish your child could feel she has friends at 15. But you know what, things change a lot and quickly during those teenage years and early adulthood. The best is still to come! Hug your child and relax and enjoy life. Social life will improve in time!

I was a bit like this at school and what helped me was going to a new school.
Somewhere new where I wasn't old news and fading into the background.
Kids that are open to new friendships open themselves and their friends up to the new kid.
Sometimes you need a fresh start.
It's not easy though, especially if you are shy.
She needs to feel the awkwardness to overcome it.
Otherwise I'd encourage hobbies and interests to build up her confidence and tell her she'll find her tribe at uni.

Try not to worry and, as others have said, just make her home life with you a relaxed safe haven with no pressure.

We have two lovely late teens - 16DD and 19DS. DD has just started 6th form college and knows a lot of people there from school and was added to a big WhatsApp group in the first week. But she went to a couple of weekend meet-ups and just didn't enjoy it. She said she longs to reach the age where she can go to the pub with a small group and just have a good conversation, but these meet-ups involve about 25 people all getting drunk within 30 minutes, and it's just not her thing. My DS is very similar but currently has a very sociable job in a great local restaurant.

I think these years favour extroverts - if you are one it's so easy to connect as they're everywhere all at once. Introverts have to work harder to find likeminded people as they all tend to keep themselves to themselves.

I think it gets much easier when you get past the social hot-housing of school and college.

This is so common. Some of its luck; being at the right place at the right time, to meet someone you click with and vice versa. It’s a shame the school can’t create an opportunity for her to meet other like minded girls. There will most definitely be others struggling.
Even the kids that seem to have it all, have their ups and downs. I think it’s important to let her know, that the parties and meet ups that look so perfect online won’t be and she is only seeing the filtered version.
Lots of activities with family, any clubs she will try, joining a gym, meeting friends online, volunteering, job etc.. encourage them all and tell her things will get easier as she gets older. Be careful not to put your own anxiety or upset on to her. We are all guilty of asking too many questions!
There are lots of us in the same situation.

How are your sons/ daughters now? I’m in a v similar situation with my 13 year old son. Hope things have improved for them ❤️

Mine is 17 I’m really sad for her x